Forcing myself to post.

I keep coming back all day although I have lots of work to do because of being triggered this morning and I just can't think of anything else and keep my mind on task. I keep intending to post, but I get here and nothing happens and I try to go back to what I need to work on, but then end up back here and it's like a bad game of ping pong.

The anger and frustration I felt this morning has passed.

Left in it's wake is a nice heavy weight. Not quite numb, but enough that I have no clue what feelings are really in there. They're definitely strong ones because it's to the point that I can actually physically feel it, but emotionally it's just manifesting as heavy.

Definitely a sense of feeling like I don't matter. I mean honestly, aside from male survivors (CSA or ASA) who honestly gives a crap that men/boys are hurt and wounded?

One maybe good thing came out of it so far though. It at least (after reading Obi's post about us being the front line and trailblazers on this mess) motivated me to attempt to email the local crisis center to push for a status on their supposed "desire" to get something going. Although I'll be honest, I'm pretty good at reading people and am quite confident when I get a reply it'll just be another excuse.

I know I have to be a trailblazer because I have no choice, but damn it I don't want to be. I want healing. I'm stuck and stalled at this point and I want to move forward again so badly. I'm in the trenches but my trench is empty.

I envy people who actually have people they can go and talk to and get a hug or anything when they're really struggling. I not only want that but I need it so bad, and have realized that it's one of the big things I need in order to keep healing.

I need a nap. Sadly when I wake up it'll be back where I am. Sure I've got the modern day equivalent to the ham radio. I can reach out and communicate around the world. But none of it can possible come close to genuine human contact and interaction.

And in these moments, I go back to feeling like a little boy... alone.... just wishing someone would come along and just use him again because then at least for those few moments it feels like someone cares.

Well, not quite the real thing but ((((safe hugs)))) anyway.

I know it isn't as good as face to face but, I care. Yeah another survivor but, you know, I think we are really the only ones that get it.

Hang in there, you'll sort those emotions out when you're ready, and then you can deal with them one by one.

Hey ((((Scott)))), you moved me really!
I wish that I'm closer to you
I'm sorry man that you are feeling so lonely and that you felt triggered.
I've read your post about reply from rape center that triggered you, it is no wonder that you were felt bad.
Ignorance hurts a lot, it is like shattering and intentionally hurting.
I know that feeling so well. When I was kid I felt like that when I couldn't talk with my parents about some issues. Talking about sex or intimacy was taboo and when I needed it the most I was rejected.
It is true that we all need nap, I wish that you have it around
Please don't be hard on yourself, you are awesome guy, so sensitive and full of empathy. When I see your some post I've got feeling like I know you forever
I love you man
Here is my warmest hug for you

((((Scott))))

Pero (Igor)