i am a male survivor - have recently made some progress - but with it comes intense fear of failure.

i wrote the following poem to describe the insecurity i am feeling. after i posted it, another survivor said it should be required reading for supporters & partners. several others also said it spoke for them.

i haven't even had the nerve to show it to my wife yet. somehow it seems safer here. i don't want it to come off as being self-justification or self-pity. and i don't want to trigger any bad feelings for her.

so - what do you think? i am open to criticism - i hope...


Don’t

Don’t look at me too closely
or watch what I am doing.
I might slip;
I might stumble;
I might fall.

Don’t hold high expectations
or think I’ve got it made;
I am weak,
I’m still fragile,
I’m not whole.

Don’t cherish preconceptions
of how I ought to act:
what I should think,
how I should feel,
what I should say.

Don’t assume that now it’s over,
that I am back to normal;
though I am better –
I’m not ALL better,
not yet well.

But if you want to walk with me
and pace your healthy stride
against my stumbling steps,
supporting one another,
to lend each other strength...

Then
we can travel
together.


Lee
14 10 12

Lee, I like it! I especially like the last verse, about supporting one another. But I can relate to fear of failure, too. Hard to take risks after you have been assaulted, something that has changed your life. I'm getting better at trying stuff, but it's a slow process. I hope you get better at it, too, bud.

Bobcat

Beautiful, Lee.

traveler, would you mind if I posted this on my blog? Credited to you, of course...

go ahead. i'm happy you like it - and would be honored to have you use it.

Lee

Traveler- very well written! If my H wrote something like that- I would hope he would feel safe enough with me to share it. I would want to know this intimate stuff because I love him and all I want is to connect with him and feel close with him.
It's pretty scary to share the stuff that makes us feel vulnerable. I'm not sure of the "state" of your marriage, but if she loves you- she should want to see you express yourself. Also, writing something so intimate like this is a healthy way of expressing yourself and I would think very welcomed!

Thank you for sharing. I hope that my H can express himself like this at some point. I just want to be there for him.

This made me tear up because that is what I want my husband to know. I want him to know that I know things won't be normal for him, that there will be some bumps in the road, but if we're open and honest and communicate, then I am more than happy to share my life with him.

Personally if my husband showed me something like this I would be filled with hope...

Traveler, that's pretty cool.

D.

Thank you. I have posted it. I hope it helps more people understand...

thanks to all. i'm going to show it to her today. wish me luck.
Lee