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#413448 - 10/17/12 11:21 PM Fake
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Copied from Edward2:
Originally Posted By: Edward2
...the facade of a successful guy who manages a successful program for families and children with disabilities and seems to be liked by staff and clients. But I never really believe that I have anything to offer and accolades mean nothing because anything that I accomplish I assume that any asshole can accomplish......


This was in the "In the Company of Men" thread, but I moved it to this new thread. I can truly relate to the feeling of being a total fake and failure. Most people don't know the mess thats hidden inside me, and I can't take the stress of keeping the facade up anymore. Who would want to be my friend if they knew me for real? A damaged, crippled, angry, insecure fake. I've always been alone and the future will be alone, no matter what I do.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#413455 - 10/17/12 11:45 PM Re: Fake [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3585
Loc: somewhere in Africa
EVERYONE is a fake, Jude.

it's just that some of us have more to hide - or more reasons to hide than others. it is totally justified from the way we have been treated in the past.

most people - survivors or not - are secretly terrified of being found out, discovered or exposed. that is why there is so little true intimacy and so much loneliness in the world.

i have found more honesty, integrity and authenticity here among other survivors than anywhere else in my life in the "real" world. we know each other better - warts and all - than any of the "normal" people i see face to face on a daily basis. and we respect and value one another anyway - and i include YOU in that.


Lee
_________________________
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho


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#413457 - 10/18/12 12:10 AM Re: Fake [Re: traveler]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: traveler
i have found more honesty, integrity and authenticity here among other survivors than anywhere else in my life in the "real" world. we know each other better - warts and all - than any of the "normal" people i see face to face on a daily basis. Lee


Thats true Lee, but we have the internet to create a safe distance between us. Would we be so honest if we had to see eachother face to face? And we can't really live in this virtual world. We have to live in the real world, and its just so damn lonely.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#413459 - 10/18/12 12:40 AM Re: Fake [Re: Jude]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1439
Loc: California
I've seen this kind of honesty in the rooms of Alanon. Not as brutally honest and naked and raw, but I've seen similar issues talked about in Alanon.

It's helped me tremendously, and is actually the reason why I came here.

D

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#413461 - 10/18/12 01:07 AM Re: Fake [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3585
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Jude - it may not be as good as physical togetherness, but i'll take what i can get.

before coming here i felt utterly and absolutely and inevitably and irrevocably and unalterably ALONE.

NOW - i am falling-all-over-myself, gushingly, slobberingly, can't-find-the-words-to-express-it-well-enough - THANKFUL - for the connections i have found here. not just help, advice, resources, information - though all of that has been great! - but the companionship, the friendship, the sense of being understood and the - ironically - TOGETHERNESS - of this community. maybe i'm easy to please - but it has been more than i could have imagined or hoped for.

sure, i'd love to get together for coffee - or something - but i'm not about to downplay the importance of what i've got.

Lee
_________________________
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho


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#413466 - 10/18/12 02:37 AM Re: Fake [Re: Jude]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 511
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
I wish I had a "like" button for some of the replies to this thread.

Jude, maybe you can use the friendships you make here to help you make friendships out in the "real world"? Just a thought.

In any event, you are not fake here, buddy. You are very real to us, and we love you for it. smile

Bobcat
_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#413471 - 10/18/12 03:30 AM Re: Fake [Re: Jude]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
If, Jude, you're trying to convince me you're a fake, you're gonna have to do better than that. A mess? You're in good company with me. You, of all people, know what a mess I've been at times the past few months. Thankgawd I have a place where I CAN be a mess, even at o-dark-hundred when my mind has obsessed over my problems, real or imagined.

No, it's not the same as face-to-face. But it sure has its uses. I'll second what D said about Al-Alon and add a bit. This is a place where I can dump - you know damn well I have - check out my feeling and perceptions. That helps me ITRW when/if I choose to share with others. I'm not so desperate that I vomit my issues all over them. Ewwwwwwwww. It makes it easier to take my time, especially with my two best friends - one of 28 years, another dealing with recent trauma of his own - to see how they respond.

In the realm of honesty/being real, hell, you guys know I'm doing sh*tty this week. And that's just where I am. I'm doing what I can to take care of it w/meds, etc. But I still feel like crap having to deal with this again. Who ITRW is gonna put up with that...at 3am? Or, am I really gonna try to drag myself out to a meeting where I feel I'll have to put on my "brave" face? Hell, it's just enuf to CONTEMPLATE groceries or the lawn.

Ummm, since I'm rather in the midst of it myself, too, it sounds more like depression talking, Jude. Yes? Dump away!

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#413474 - 10/18/12 03:55 AM Re: Fake [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3585
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i'm up - though being half a world away is sometimes a drag, it occasionally has a bright spot - like now. i hear you - loud and clear! dump more if you want. i have deep ears!
Lee
_________________________
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho


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#413476 - 10/18/12 04:04 AM Re: Fake [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
My whole life has been about keeping secrets. I kept the abuse secret, my bipolar & OCD symptoms secret, my drinking secret. The world saw me as this together, successful man who had it all. Education, career, family, etc. But it was all fake.

I still feel like a fake, even when I'm at an AA meeting with all the other drunks. Even here, with all the other CSA survivors. Even at the shrink's office where the waiting room's full of nutcases. Its like no part of me is REALLY real. Does anybody know what I mean?
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

Top
#413477 - 10/18/12 04:30 AM Re: Fake [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3585
Loc: somewhere in Africa
sure.
i'm a fake, too.
everybody is in the same boat.
even the people that seem to have it most together have their own dark secrets and insecurities.
don't discount your successes.
they are real.
they are just not the whole story.
nobody shows all of themselves.
some of us just have more secrets than others.
_________________________
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho


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#413479 - 10/18/12 05:01 AM Re: Fake [Re: Jude]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Since we're all up at this awful GMT-5 hour...boy, talk about companionship!

See if this registers at all, Jude:

I did inpatient codep treatment years ago. I was ready for it and jumped in with both feet...curling up in the corner the first day, in front of a group of strangers, crying, screaming, etc. That was raw and real (vis-a-vis my pain).

My personal trap - given all my issues - is sometimes I've felt that unless I'm in agonizing emotional pain, it's not real. What about all the other feelings?

I still struggle sometimes with my knack for being gregarious, conversational and genuinely interested in what (some) people have to say. Okay, it started as a survival tool. But it developed into a part of my personality because I found it encouraged people to open up to me.

I have an outstanding sense of humor. Again, a survival tool. If I'm entertaining, I won't get hurt. Or an avoidance tool (as any of us in therapy knows). But it requires mental agility and the ability to appreciate irony, for instance. How often has that helped me cheer someone up? Nor, without it, would I have my two closest friends who tell me I'm the only one who can keep up with their IQs (who? ME? wtf?). A consequence of that is it keeps me on my toes, engaged and I'm always learning something from them.

As I reread the thread, it occurred to me this subject is perfect for a mini Fourth Step, if you're inclined.


(Somehow, traveler, I can't visualize you slobbering)

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#413481 - 10/18/12 05:12 AM Re: Fake [Re: Jude]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: Jude
My whole life has been about keeping secrets. I kept the abuse secret, my bipolar & OCD symptoms secret, my drinking secret. The world saw me as this together, successful man who had it all. Education, career, family, etc. But it was all fake.

I still feel like a fake, even when I'm at an AA meeting with all the other drunks. Even here, with all the other CSA survivors. Even at the shrink's office where the waiting room's full of nutcases. Its like no part of me is REALLY real. Does anybody know what I mean?

I hear you.

Perhaps this is why I always hated AA. It felt like everyone else there were honest, but I couldn't be. I can never show the real me. Sometimes it almost feels like the real me doesn't exist any more... Like, who the fuck am I anyway? I've been wearing masks for so long I've started believing in them myself. So I keep up the act instead. Its so much easier.

Even here - I can promise you I wouldn't have been able to tell you that face to face.

It would've been fine if I wasn't so damn lonely behind this mask, and so scared that someone will find out...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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