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#413296 - 10/16/12 01:56 PM emotions
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
The reason I don't understand why God ever wanted much to do with me is I just don't have emotions except fear and anger (and bipolar highs--happy but not happy just high). I can't feel love, whatever that is. I can't respond to him or anyone else if all I feel is fear and anger and have no clue what the other emotions are. When I was raped at 3.5 years old, the former died and an adult took his place at about 5 or 6 when she figured out that hell called rape was just the beginning and another hell called emotional and physical child abuse awaited. I have no clue how to fix those problems and the last of the self-hate issues. I'm just blah or angry. Blah, or numb, is better for me, trust me. He has a lot to fix. I have no clue since I missed my child development. In fact, people showing me all kinds of affection drives me crazy and will push me away since affection just means someone wants something and could care less about me and then I'll get angry at being used--even if that's not the goal. I have no way of telling the difference at all. Why God wants an unemotional, cold train wreck like me I have no idea.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#413301 - 10/16/12 02:12 PM Re: emotions [Re: phoenix321]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2577
I'm confident it's all there. There are always other emotions and feelings that drive anger, they're just usually hiding underneath. God can fix it all.

The one good thing is... responding to God doesn't take emotions or feelings. You've already responded.

I missed so many developmental things as well. Abuse began around 4 or 5. I've realized how broken and a mess I am. But God knows what I need. Does it fix it all at once? He hasn't for me, but I've seen lots of progress, so I hold onto hope!

As for why God would choose you or me or any of us?
1 Corinthians 1: 26-29 - 26 Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. 27 Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. 28 God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. 29 As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.


If my quoting passages etc bothers you, please let me know. I don't mean them to be a pat short or fix it all answer. I grew up with that my whole life and nothing burns me more these days than people putting me off or minimizing my struggles by just throwing Bible Band-Aids at me!

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#413304 - 10/16/12 02:31 PM Re: emotions [Re: phoenix321]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
We have all been given certain gifts.

Romans 12: v6 thru the chapter

If you get a chance to read it then please do.
I hope you find the answer you are looking for. Best wishes
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#413314 - 10/16/12 06:02 PM Re: emotions [Re: phoenix321]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Just, obviously you have some emotions. You have a wife. You had to respond to her somehow. I respond to no one emotionally (except fear or anger) and have no clue what they are.

Thanks for responding, guys. If I can't receive love and give love, I don't see much point in anything anymore. I really do despise life since this deep anger broke. It doesn't mean a thing to me deep down. I can't go another 20-30 years of nothingness.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#413353 - 10/16/12 09:02 PM Re: emotions [Re: phoenix321]
thedudeabides Offline


Registered: 10/09/12
Posts: 27
Loc: Augusta, Georgia
What a can of worms this thread opens up. This is something I've just realized about myself and I'm not sure what I want to say on the subject so this may be a long, rambling post. Phoenix, I understand having no emotions, or at least very few in my case. I've learned to fake it pretty well after 40+ years. I say all the right things and commiserate when others experience difficulties or tragedies but inside I don't really have any feelings about their particular situation. I just say what is expected so as not to appear a heartless jerk. Like Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang I adhere to the social conventions and then hope whomever is having a problem will just leave me alone. Maybe I am heartless--literally. I think we all have had our hearts severely damaged or nearly excised in some cases. We have buried our feelings so deep for so long that it becomes almost impossible to have a "normal" human reaction to any given situation. I stopped being "normal" when I was seven and was introduced to sexuality that was beyond my comprehension. Like it or not this is my--our normal. Our normal could suck a tennis ball through a garden hose. Phoenix, I joined this site just a few days ago and have read several of your posts. Knowing that you and many others here at MS have had the same experiences as I have has given me the courage to talk about my abuse for the first time in my life. Phoenix you have helped me. THAT is something to feel good about. And you do have a sense of humor--nobody else EVER gets the snail joke.
JustScott and Country--I had an entire soliloquy in mind relating to lack of emotions and spirituality. However, it has taken me quite a while to craft my response to Phoenix and I have consumed several Franziskaners in the process. My diction, vocabulary and fingers are beginning to fail me. I blame the Germans completely. The Bavarians in particular.
_________________________
I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
and you know it don't come easy.
Ringo Starr

They flutter behind you, your possible pasts;
Some bright-eyed and crazy, some frightened and lost...
And strung out behind us the banners and flags
of our possible pasts lie in tatters and rags.
Roger Waters


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#413370 - 10/17/12 02:14 AM Re: emotions [Re: thedudeabides]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: thedudeabides
What a can of worms this thread opens up. This is something I've just realized about myself and I'm not sure what I want to say on the subject so this may be a long, rambling post. Phoenix, I understand having no emotions, or at least very few in my case. I've learned to fake it pretty well after 40+ years. I say all the right things and commiserate when others experience difficulties or tragedies but inside I don't really have any feelings about their particular situation. I just say what is expected so as not to appear a heartless jerk. Like Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang I adhere to the social conventions and then hope whomever is having a problem will just leave me alone. Maybe I am heartless--literally. I think we all have had our hearts severely damaged or nearly excised in some cases. We have buried our feelings so deep for so long that it becomes almost impossible to have a "normal" human reaction to any given situation. I stopped being "normal" when I was seven and was introduced to sexuality that was beyond my comprehension. Like it or not this is my--our normal. Our normal could suck a tennis ball through a garden hose. Phoenix, I joined this site just a few days ago and have read several of your posts. Knowing that you and many others here at MS have had the same experiences as I have has given me the courage to talk about my abuse for the first time in my life. Phoenix you have helped me. THAT is something to feel good about. And you do have a sense of humor--nobody else EVER gets the snail joke.
JustScott and Country--I had an entire soliloquy in mind relating to lack of emotions and spirituality. However, it has taken me quite a while to craft my response to Phoenix and I have consumed several Franziskaners in the process. My diction, vocabulary and fingers are beginning to fail me. I blame the Germans completely. The Bavarians in particular.


Hey thedudeabides,

Thank you for responding. I'm glad I've helped you. Do I feel anything when people say it? Honestly? Anger. I'm no angry at you, but this hellish situation. I'l say to myself, here we go again. It's nice people are helped by me, but where's my help? I keep coming back to that thing. Having all this anger, and having nothing but it, isn't helping me. When people have been suicidal or all alone and they say, God was there to get them through it, I have absolutely no clue what they felt thus mean. I got through my suicides on drugs (scripts). Maybe God was right there in the room with me. Sorry, I didn't feel comforted. What did I feel? Suicide is gonna hurt so I can't do it. Hand over the pills to zonk me out. A few days later, the despair would resolve itself.

The snail joke is me. It's why I get it. I identify with the little sob. I arrived and the two perps and my sperm donor threw my ass in someone else's lawn. Since there is a hell, I really hope these three assholes come to reside in it.

Being smart is no bed or roses. I don't enjoy it except the rush (like Bipolar highs or living in survival mode). I also have NO peace unless I feel totally numbed out and all is quiet, or, more often than not, I'm having orgasm or two or six. So, basically, because that's all I've had, I'm a drug addict on the rush, the Bipolar high or the survival mode (got sick of the last one), or I'm a sex addict.

Sex is the big thing now. Pretty soon, I'm gonna go looking for sex partners, which are easy to find since I've got a great rep (no boasting here, I get little from it). I've been starting to look for them. I'm sure I could speak intelligently (and from experience) on almost any sex topic people can ask. So, I got to thinking, there has got to be a market for religious people and sex information that they don't find objectionable and can read it without sinning. I started designing the idea (blog and book I'm thinking now) last night. lol I was gonna write one anyway. Lots out there but none religious-friendly that isn't as boring as an insurance seminar. I used to have a huge sex blog on Yahoo. I got bored and took it down (cause it wasn't making cash). My way out of this financial nightmare I'm in I hope. Hope for the 66% of religious people addicted to porn, too, I think.

I know I lack Oxytocin (bonding chemical) production and survival mode, Bipolar highs or an adrenaline rush or an orgasm (not sex but the actual orgasm itself causes a similar chemical reaction to Oxytocin) are it's substitute. I'm sure God can fix that, but, in doing so with the flip of a switch, would it do more harm than good? Yep, not sure how, but it would. Of course, without human contact, it really isn't going to make much difference. Once I get tired of not having a mate at all again, I'll probably go a-whoring. Not because I want to, but because I'm lonely, and even though it'll be empty eventually, it's the human condition then loneliness that craves human touch.

Truth is, for 40 years since I became an adult and someone other than whomever was raped at 3.5 years old, I've just been lonely in crowd, or alone or with God or not with God. The need I have is my equal, my other and my anger ain't going anywhere till that need, basic need is filled. Other than alcohol (which I despise) and hard drugs (hate those), I've tried to fill it with everything else.


Edited by phoenix321 (10/17/12 02:17 AM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#413385 - 10/17/12 06:46 AM Re: emotions [Re: phoenix321]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2577
I'll say it again, I am confident your feelings are in there!

When I went to a WoR back in 2008, we had a fellow there who shared exactly what you have shared. That he is either always numb or angry, nothing else. While there, something in him finally broke free and he began weeping bitterly.

He excused himself from the group and I believe Howard went with him and they had a chance to talk alone. It was an amazing thing for him. He'd never been able to feel anything but that anger or nothing, and then suddenly it all changed.

God hears your prayers. I'll be praying as well that He would bring you His love, so you have some to give, and some to feel!

I'm with you in despising life though. For me at least in the sense of all the injustice and apathy I see around me. THAT I get insanely angry at. People would rather watch football than protect children, that causes a burning rage to build up in a hurry.

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#413420 - 10/17/12 03:10 PM Re: emotions [Re: JustScott]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: JustScott
I'll say it again, I am confident your feelings are in there!

When I went to a WoR back in 2008, we had a fellow there who shared exactly what you have shared. That he is either always numb or angry, nothing else. While there, something in him finally broke free and he began weeping bitterly.

He excused himself from the group and I believe Howard went with him and they had a chance to talk alone. It was an amazing thing for him. He'd never been able to feel anything but that anger or nothing, and then suddenly it all changed.

God hears your prayers. I'll be praying as well that He would bring you His love, so you have some to give, and some to feel!

I'm with you in despising life though. For me at least in the sense of all the injustice and apathy I see around me. THAT I get insanely angry at. People would rather watch football than protect children, that causes a burning rage to build up in a hurry.


Hey,

***Triggers****


Thanks for chatting. I almost cried I think it was Saturday night, and quit quickly when I thought, why am I crying? And, I thought, if I start crying uncontrollably, there is no one to comfort me anyway. And, honestly, now that I think back, the tears were because I was exhausted (not much sleep in a week) and the anger just flowed through me too much. I controlled my anger too much in the past and it went inward. Now, fuck it, let it out in a controlled burn.

The reason I don't like crying or feel it is necessary is the night of the rape, there was no one there. I was all alone, naked (literally and figuratively) and she (the one who took over--she's passed now--I'm a she, too) figured, "well, I'm an adult now." She didn't come after the rape either; she came into being during the rape (due to the trauma then had to have sex with the male perp). He (I guess a he) left that night and left her alone to suffer.

Truth is, since I never knew him and only knew her, just figured this out, she was pissed at him for leaving her alone. Guess that's why I have no feeling for him either. Now that I know the truth, hell, fuck him. He left us with all this shit. lol She didn't know him either. Maybe that's why she hated men and had no use for them whatsoever? I think so. I just have little in common with men. Present company excluded, of course. Thanks.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#414001 - 10/22/12 09:53 PM Re: emotions [Re: phoenix321]
LAV25 Offline


Registered: 09/27/12
Posts: 18
I read through this and I'm having some anxiety attacks anything I can do htat is medication free? until I can meet my doctor?
_________________________
you can't take my strength

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#414003 - 10/22/12 10:34 PM Re: emotions [Re: phoenix321]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3393
Loc: somewhere in Africa
try deep, slow, controlled breathing. you can draw a square in your imagination or for real - counting "1 - 2" as you draw one side, "3 - 4" another side, - and so on until you complete the square. repeat as long as it takes.

if you have a "safe place" that you can go to in your mind - that is a good practice. a real memory or an imagined place will work. i have an imaginary tropic island with a peaceful beach. i time my breathing to the gentle waves lapping on the shore - in and out - slowly and softly...

another tactic is to talk yourself through - touch objects around you and describe them -out loud if possible. my chrome chair frame is hard and cool. the velour cushion is soft and velvety. the top of my desk looks like rough woodgrain but is smooth and matte finish, etc. the idea is to ground yourself in the present.

self talk can also help: i am safe, there is no one who can harm me now. i am grown up and stronger than i feel... there are those who wish me well... other positive affirmations...

try some of that.

if you are able - an energetic walk or excercise may help - or playing music. i find writing is therapeutic.

hope something helps...
Lee


Edited by traveler (10/22/12 10:44 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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