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#413336 - 10/16/12 08:00 PM Dissociation increase at events **strong emotions
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
This is a difficult post to know just where to nest it. Dissociation was my primary disorder at spiritual events. I could not keep focused for minutes after the opening prayer, I just wander off in my thoughts and fell asleep.

I think it was because my father was SO strict about being at worship and living our lives according to his(no, not God's but Dad's) interpretation of the scripture. It was impossible! We would go worship and I would just go away, so overwhelmed with guilt and shame, this was supposed to be the safest place, the harbor in the storm, the haven under God's protection. Instead it was too difficult to even imagine that I would be blessed. I could not even summon the strength to empower imagine myself as good as any of those I was with worshiping.

AARRGGH! I AM as good as them, I AM proclaimed righteous by my Heavenly Father, I AM included. I was my controlled father(really parents) who scalded the ass of an innocent child and broke him, thinking they could "make" the perfect worshiper. Stupid people, idiots! I WAS WILLING! I love God. I love His word and His way, I LOVE to read, study, sing and worship with fellow believers!

Why would you damage such an willing boy!?!! SHAME on YOU! I WILL go worship! I will revel in the joyful noise of heartfelt praise to Almighty God!

I will give back the weight of those abusive "lessons", I will give them back to those with whom owes it. I DO NOT carry the debts of those who would willing carry the debt of their parents!!!! I am unburdened! I am FREE!

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#413340 - 10/16/12 08:08 PM Re: Dissociation increase at events [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
The ANSWERS keep flooding IN! BREAKTHROUGH!

I sat in the seats like a wolf among sheep. My coping mechanisms were off the CHART! I wanted to bed the women, I wanted to steal from the donations, I wanted to answer that these around me were HYPOCRITES and FRAUDS!

My Dad and Mom around me, so prim and posed. "Oh look how good and proper." Your children are so well behaved." " Oh he is going to lead the group, he will be the youngest" F*CK YOU and F*CK OFF!! AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGH!

I am BEING ABUSED! I wonder how that little old lady would have responded to that! That's right. My sister sexually abused me! I am in a place of worship RIGHT!!! I confess!!! My parents have bruised and bloodied me more times than I can count!!!

I am not controlled by the fear of that place of worship anymore, they were and are innocent. I AM PISSED THE F*CK OFF!

AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGH! AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGH!


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#413341 - 10/16/12 08:11 PM Re: Dissociation increase at events [Re: SamV]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
That's right my brother. You are set free in Jesus name. It is that simple. You can claim the victory because the battle was won by Him. We are not who we was, we have been remade, we are new(As the song says). Good for you in this victory. Proud and happy for you. You just karate kicked the devil right in the nuts.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#413342 - 10/16/12 08:14 PM Re: Dissociation increase at events [Re: SamV]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Worship is the most pleasing thing that we can give The Lord. I love to worship right before prayer. It gets me in the right mind. It is terrible what happened to you brother. But you can be free from these feelings. Lay them at he cross and give Him your burdens.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#413344 - 10/16/12 08:19 PM Re: Dissociation increase at events [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
(((Country))) Huge tears! Sobs and much crying right now. I kept it together until your affirming post. Dear fellow survivor, THANK YOU!

I am so proud and happy, but I look a sight! smile

I feel FREE!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#413349 - 10/16/12 08:27 PM Re: Dissociation increase at events [Re: SamV]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3518
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Sam -

right now i am "rejoicing with those that rejoice and weeping with those that weep" !!! - both at the same time!!!

Good work, bro!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#413350 - 10/16/12 08:32 PM Re: Dissociation increase at events [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
(((Lee))) Ok then, right now you have a huge headache, packed sinuses and your upper back is locked up tight, meaning a migraine is coming very soon. You are pacing between reading and posting. You are an emotional wreck!

Oh did I mention? YOU ARE DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY! ((Oops, more tears) THAT'S OK!

Thank you Lee, thank you!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#413352 - 10/16/12 08:47 PM Re: Dissociation increase at events [Re: SamV]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Every Sunday at worship service I cry like a baby and yet I am so rejoicing. It is amazing the transformation that comes over when when I feel that Holy Spirit. I NEVER cried. Not I weep when I think of the price He paid and laid down for me. I fasted the other day and man did I feel God moving. It is amazing. I pray that everyone can feel the way we do.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#413386 - 10/17/12 06:55 AM Re: Dissociation increase at events [Re: SamV]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
One of the best things to realize is that God's love IS unconditional. It's not even just a little love either, it's not like, love for a step child or an adopted son, it's a passionate, "I can't believe this beautiful boy is my son!" kind of love, and it's even beyond that!

It's what I feel when my youngest runs up to me when I get home and just can't wait for me to get my boots off to pick him up. It's the feelings I have at seeing that huge grin of happiness on his face!

It's the feeling inside when I got home yesterday and my daughter pushed the door open and invited me home!

Yet it's not even that, it's greater than that! It's so great that He gave up His ONLY BEGOTTEN Son for me and you!

It's Crazy Love!

God loves you. Nothing can separate you from His love.

You already know these things, but sometimes we just need to hear them again or hear them from someone else.

He will never leave you nor forsake you!

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#413460 - 10/18/12 12:45 AM Re: Dissociation increase at events [Re: JustScott]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Sam you are a wonderful person. I'm sorry you had those experiences.

I play music regularly in church. I have several problems there. One of them is a kind of a dyslexia. I hear the music but the words land on a totally different place in my brain and I have trouble bringing them together.

I also have trouble with such music as:
He Touched Me eek
And some more.

Puffer

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