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#413027 - 10/13/12 08:43 PM Rock Bottom
RachelMac Offline


Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
Is it true that a Survivor has to hit rock bottom before they decide to get better? I feel like I spend so much time trying to prevent rock bottom for my H, but I've read alot that they have to hit rock bottom before they can begin to move forward. Thoughts?

And I went to therapy last week for the first time. I left feeling disappointed. I told the doc my story and we chatted, but I felt like everything he told me was stuff I already knew (like why my H acts the way he does, etc.). I also thought he would give me some exercises or tools I can use to better myself in this process. He didn't. I'm going to go back next week, but I was wondering if it was normal for the first session to be sort of an information gathering appointment? It did feel good to talk to an impartial third party.

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#413028 - 10/13/12 09:13 PM Re: Rock Bottom [Re: RachelMac]
RunningOnEmpty Offline


Registered: 10/07/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
--


Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/01/13 07:31 PM)

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#413069 - 10/14/12 09:06 AM Re: Rock Bottom [Re: RachelMac]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 707
Loc: NJ
ROE is right about the therapist. I have been in therapy on and off since my father died when I was 12. When you connect, you can feel it. You know it. And it does take some shopping. My current T is like the perfect match for me - but I know this is true because I knew what I wanted and I went out looking for it. Therapists sometimes can focus on our husbands or our relationships with our husbands - but my opinion is that this almost reinforces the probably of co-dependence. (The relationship work should be done together with a marriage T)

My therapist knows my husband's story, knows the timb bomb that went off in my life - but we focus on me, my family of orgin issues, my way of viewing the world, my triggers, my responses, my brain...

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#413078 - 10/14/12 11:15 AM Re: Rock Bottom [Re: RachelMac]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
I know the male survivors I know had to hit rock bottom (have that horrible time bomb go off) before any of us sought outside help, myself included.

Asking for help, or so society programs us, is a sign of weakness, stupidity, very un-masculine. I is admitting we are lost, unable to do something on our own. We're suppose to be the strong ones, we aren't supposed to break, and if we do, we are supposed to fix ourselves post haste, all on our own.

It takes a lot to get us to swallow our male pride and ego, and get help. Age and maturity help with that, sooner or later we realize it's okay to be wrong, to not know and, to need help with a few things but, when it comes to the fact that we were victims, that is a hard one to swallow.

I know the results are hard on families and loved ones, and I wish I knew the answer to get your H to the help he needs but, aside form telling him about this post and, this site and, getting him to at least look the site over, I don't have any suggestions.

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#413097 - 10/14/12 04:24 PM Re: Rock Bottom [Re: RachelMac]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Rachel

Rock bottom is different for everyone, but true we need to hit a point in our lives where we decide that this cannot continue. For me it was the final embaresment that got me to stop drinking, and once I was sober I could begin to deal with the effect that my abuse had on my life.

As for you Rachel, It is going to be a tough time for you. Avoid therapy with a normal therapist, you probably know more about CSA and its effects than most therapists do. Rather join a group like CODA or Al-Anon or if you can a group for the wives of survivors. A group like this will be able to give you practical advice and coping measures.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#413216 - 10/15/12 07:48 PM Re: Rock Bottom [Re: RachelMac]
RachelMac Offline


Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
Where can I find information about groups for wives of supporters?

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#413240 - 10/16/12 01:46 AM Re: Rock Bottom [Re: RachelMac]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
There are not any specific groups for the wives, I think, but CODA and Al- Anon are great. Try and find a CODA group, this will be of great help to you in your healing journey, it will help you to focus on yur self and your happiness and be empathetic towards his needs. It will help you to stop being absorbed by his problems and his healing. You will be of better help to him if you are well and confident in your own head.
I hope that this helps you

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#413332 - 10/16/12 07:47 PM Re: Rock Bottom [Re: RachelMac]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I had to hit rock bottom. It took me almost losing everything I cared about. Even when I decided to get help I didn't know if I would get my family back. Thankfully we are still together and my wife has been so very helpful. I am so lucky.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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