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#413266 - 10/16/12 09:38 AM anger
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
In the last year I've found out how bad my "father" treated me growing up and I've hated myself all this years because of him and because of childhood sex abuse at a very young age (i didn't know about that for 26.5 years), I wish I knew how to heal from it. How do you heal from having 40 years stolen from you? The only emotions I've had over the last 40 years (I'm 44) have been fear and anger (inward--hating myself mostly-99%). I've stuffed everything for 40 years and finally just blew up last Saturday & Sunday and asked God, where was my help? This after people had no problem letting me help them with things then deciding to either stab me in the back or just not be there for me and tell me they had something better to do. Imagine never letting anyone in (not like anyone wanted much from me except what I could do for them) and being alone for 40 years. That's me. I rededicated my life last weekend. I just hope he answers this time.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#413269 - 10/16/12 09:58 AM Re: anger [Re: phoenix321]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
Appears you've taken a big step.

I'm no stranger to Anger either. Horrible temper and when we moved out of the place we rented before buying a house.... I had to apologize and offer to pay for some holes I'd put in the walls due to anger issues....

Some people would chafe under such "railing" against God, but the reality is, a careful study (Bible based) will show many passages of just the same type of question. Even one well known prophet railed against God's judgement because He showed said prophet that He was going to use a nation far more evil and wicked than the Jews to bring said judgement!

Anyway, I have confidence that God will answer.

Can I ask to which particular belief you've rededicated yourself? If it's one that I'm learned and educated in, I'd be glad to offer any input and insight that I can.

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#413270 - 10/16/12 11:14 AM Re: anger [Re: JustScott]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Hey,

I'm sorta Catholic. I'll go there once a week max. Church gives me lots of bad memories so can't sit in 99% of those. Too many people sat and watched and never did anything despite what I know they saw. Well, yeah, I'm mad at God cause he didn't send help my way before. He could everyone else but me it seems. I get my help and I do nothing till then. I'm not worried about sin either. I told him I'm not beating myself up again over things. He said he's okay with that. I think 40 years is quite a long time to wait. God came to me. I didn't go to him the first time or this time. He sought me out in my bedroom both times. He even waited till I, um, started and finished something the other night. Not saying what but I appreciated that more than almost anything anyone's ever done for me. It was like, okay, you are busy, go ahead. I thought he left and he came back after. In fact, it's kinda hilarious how it happened. lol He knows I'm angry and just ain't listening to the usual bullshit to get me off it. I've stuffed it all for 40 years, tried to make the best of it and that ain't working. Not sure what happened, but there's not stuffing it anymore. He's gotta do something like send help I'm sure I've asked for decades. He knows how I think--I'll do some work and as long as I'm doing some work--he'll do something for me. If I quit doing work, he'll dump me just like everyone else has. I'm trusting God right now. I don't know how long that will last. I just don't know. But, I ain't hearing--there's someone worse off or sorry, no one will listen to me so no one is coming or some other fucking excuse saying, well, I don't count. I'm sick of not counting, sick of being told, tomorrow maybe. I've given God, humanity, life, etc. all I'm gonna give. I'm empty, that's it. His move. I said my peace, asked for help. I'm not living on my own self-inflicted pain anymore for anyone including God.

Thanks for offering to help.

-Phoenix


Edited by phoenix321 (10/16/12 11:21 AM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#413271 - 10/16/12 11:14 AM Re: anger [Re: phoenix321]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
Hi Pheonix, I totally understand anger and all that you describe. I pushed it all into a box inside and some of that leaked out in my life, made me either lash out or get depressed. Sometimes at school or places, people turned away from me. My family says "you sure were an angry little boy a lot" yet no one ever asked why? I was angry hearing that too, because someone should have asked, some adult who was supposed to look out for me.

I talked to a T and she helped me tap into that. I learned to get angry at my perps (never had been before but my T showed me I had a right to be angry) and I also found that I was angry at God, as I could not understand why any of it happened, and I found anger at myself and my family for letting it happen.

Once I learned how to release anger by working with my T, I started to learn how to forgive. Both of those steps took some work but I was able to do it, as my T and God helped me. Then I had to ask God's forgiveness for all of it including being angry at Him. He forgave me for everything, and I no longer feel anger at my perps, myself, my family or God. As for the perps, my T taught me that forgiveness does not let them off the hook, it only frees me from anger and I know God will deal with them.

I am still working on getting through the T process, and sometimes anger and fear still surface, but each time I face it now it gets easier. I don't push it down inside anymore. I am learning to quit mourning about what was lost, and am looking now at what will come through God. Weaping may endure for a night, but joy is coming in the morning!

Also, abuse is not who you are, that is what you went through. We are children of the most high God! I know that what's in my future is greater then what's in my past. All the forces of darkness can not defeat what God has ordained.

It will take me time to heal, and to build up, but I know that I am forgiven and redeemed, and I am free.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#413272 - 10/16/12 11:29 AM Re: anger [Re: BuffaloCO]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Hey,

Thank you for responding. God knows my problems with Ts in the past and he knows I'm broke and there's no money for them. :0
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#413273 - 10/16/12 11:34 AM Re: anger [Re: phoenix321]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
Same here about being broke, unemployed and trying to get back to school. God led someone to donate to my T to pay for my sessions again and I have no idea who they are. I'm also a member of two churches, one large and one small, and people there support me by talking too and with free counseling on the spiritual side. They don't look at me as bad or being an angry dude, they look at me as a believer who needs help. That's also helping me to build up on my new relationship with Christ. I'll pray for you and you can pm me at any time.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#413279 - 10/16/12 12:13 PM Re: anger [Re: phoenix321]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Anger, I know him all too well. I am hoping the EMDR will resolve the rest of my anger. I wish you the best brother.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#413286 - 10/16/12 12:56 PM Re: anger [Re: BuffaloCO]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: BuffaloCO
Same here about being broke, unemployed and trying to get back to school. God led someone to donate to my T to pay for my sessions again and I have no idea who they are. I'm also a member of two churches, one large and one small, and people there support me by talking too and with free counseling on the spiritual side. They don't look at me as bad or being an angry dude, they look at me as a believer who needs help. That's also helping me to build up on my new relationship with Christ. I'll pray for you and you can pm me at any time.


Wow! Praise God! Stuff like that never happens to me. frown It would be nice. I'm jealous. I wish you well with the T. My church experience has always been what I could do for anyone and everyone. When it comes to me, pfttt! They ain't got the time of day.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#413287 - 10/16/12 01:03 PM Re: anger [Re: Country]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Country
Anger, I know him all too well. I am hoping the EMDR will resolve the rest of my anger. I wish you the best brother.


Country,

Glad it worked for you.

I had a T who thought EMDR cured all including cancer, PMS, the common cold, yada, yada. You're not cured? Did you look at the lights? Okay, I don't know what to do for you then. LOL! Glad it works for you. That psychologist (big-shot by the way) had no clue as to what she was doing. I canned her and never went back after the light show and the, it didn't work, no idea what to do then. lol 5 visits totally wasted.

Thank you for responding.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#413299 - 10/16/12 02:03 PM Re: anger [Re: phoenix321]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
Quote:
When it comes to me, pfttt! They ain't got the time of day.


Same here with me. I struggle with that a lot. I've are fallible and most only care about themselves, no matter what church or non-church they claim to belong to. Sad but true.

I totally love your post God going away while you did your business and then came. It's so totally God though. God isn't out there trying to force Himself on us. Ever. He is patient and waits on us a lot I think.

And as for not being worried about sin, He's not either. He took care of that. Bible makes it clear in 1st John 2:2 - He himself is the sacrifice that atones for our sins--and not only our sins but the sins of all the world.

You know who cares about sin? We do. More so than He does. He made a way, it's wide open, He's just waiting for us. He tells us He's standing at the door knocking.... waiting for us to open up and let Him in.

He's got all the time in the world for you. You are eternally precious to Him. I have no answers in terms of "why" the abuse we experienced happened, or why He doesn't jump in each and every time, and the whole free-will thing bothers me, because we can see there are times He does step in... why not in our cases? Sadly I don't have that answer.

BUT He's big enough to be there no matter what else is going on. And on that idea that "God helps those who help themselves.". That there is a load of malarkey. If that was true, we'd all be hopeless and Christ would never have come.

Keep talking! I'll surely be here as I can. Also, if anything I say causes a struggle or issue, bring it up, lets talk about it, I'm certainly not the end all/ be all and have had to stop and reevaluate my thoughts and beliefs many times.

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