Thanks guys. I think I just have to accept there are some things I can't change. IE: I must be autistic. This isn't the first time that I've misread social cues.
I'm torturing myself trying to work so hard at recovery that I now wonder if any of it is worth it. My dad was developmentally retarded. And I've got a LOT of his characteristics.
My goal since I was 11 has always been to learn how to have relationships with people. 30 years later, I'm no closer. This has been one long torturous journey. It's been a long and windy path, and apparently, looking back at the path, I'm still standing in the same place I was when I was 11. Friendless and clueless.
I can't get 'there' if I can't trust my own senses. My senses have let me down 100% of the time. I've NEVER gotten anything right when it comes to matters of intimacy and closeness to others. **NEVER**
I hate myself, I hate my retarded pathetic stupid little life, and I hate what a sick cruel joke this planet is.
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.
-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).