Newest Members
RodrigoBR, MJ545, Marant, BeingFound, journey4two
12332 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
blueelectron9 (48), Grunty1967b (2014), highflight (42), jocks44 (54), kitm1 (47), Porrick (44)
Who's Online
2 registered (VASurvivor, 1 invisible), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12332 Members
74 Forums
63417 Topics
443370 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#413214 - 10/15/12 07:17 PM Haunted by partial memories, afraid of the rest
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Things have gotten very bad for me to be at the point of talking about this, even anonymously.

For nearly 20 years I've had a vivid and creepy image in my head, frequently flaring up for no reason at all. Sometimes it would be gone a long time.... but recently it has become very intrusive and us interfering with my mental state. And I feel trapped, because while I've had therapists before I've never ever discussed this with them and feel increasingly scared - now more like terrified - of validating it. I feel trapped by fear with no avenues that aren't bad or terrible.

The vision might be a memory. I guess it is but it's very disjointed, brief, in two parts. For most of my life it didn't feel like my other memories but it was always there.

TRIGGERS

In it I am 8 years old, in the bathroom of my school. It is pouring rain out which is why my clothes are very wet, why I went to the bathroom.
SCENE 1: I am in a bathroom stall with one of the substitute teachers. I still know his name. He is 65-70 with a thick eastern European accent. His pants are down and he is pushing his large p*nis at my face, holding my head as he rubs it on my lips. This scene lasts about 3 seconds.
SCENE 2: It is later. My pants and underpants are down and he is groping me. His hands are rough and calloused. Lasts one second.

I have no recall of anything in the middle or immediately before or after. It felt unlike any memory I know, like it was just something I was watching that wasn't really me. For most of my life I could kind of ignore it. As I grew up I was treated several times for depression and anxiety. I also have a very overdone startle response, which my asshole "friends" in jr high would torture me with - it always bugged me that I couldn't control it and would freak out over any unexpected touch. Over the years it has gotten much worse. I'm going to resume therapy for that much at least.

In the last few months all my old symptoms are back worse than ever - depression, anxiety, messed up sleep cycles, night terrors. I've been over it with therapists and in some ways it is part of my life. I "get it."

But the sub, in the bathroom? I dont get that - but it has gotten stronger and mire frequent and intrusive than ever, as all the other bad stuff rises too. Have never told anyone and even now as I type this I continue telling myself it might not be real. Maybe as a kid I heard a stranger-danger story or a real CSA story and my brain cooked this up. The sub was always very kind to us. He would do magic tricks - put chalk up his nose and it came out his ear - and bring tapes of songs from his home country and any kid who could guess what it was about got a sticker.

I know what the above looks like - hope I don't look too stupidly in denial. But here is why I've never told any shrink about this:

If I tell a therapist and we start discussing this, maybe exploring it, then not only will it be much more Real and part of my life, but - worst part - I am afraid the whole thing could "wake up." Like there will be some question or trigger word, hypnosis, etc, and suddenly not only will it be really true but also it will be all there. Not just 3-5 seconds but all of it. If it really happened it obviously wouldn't have been those little clips. It could have been 10 minutes of s*xual ab*se. And then I'd have it all. Maybe it would even all re-"happen" in the therapists office - I'd be trapped reliving a long ab*se or r*pe, like it was actually happening - I'd feel it happening to me and then I'd have the whole thing haunting me for years, not just two pictures. Am I supposed to seriously choose a guy to sit in a room with me and watch as I hit all the rest of that (if there is a rest) for the first time?

I feel like there is a time bomb in my head and if I trip it I'll suffer terribly. But I'm worse off now than I've ever been and the shrink awaits.

Is there anyone here who has "awakened" a memory and had it take control of your mind? Does your brain feel it all right away? As much as I don't want to have been ab*sed I sure as hell don't want to have a "Total Recall" of something even worse.

Please - if that is what I'm headed for please let me know. Or if I'm wrong and you can just talk the truth out without it all attacking you beyond your control too, please let me know that too.

Thank you for any help and I hope each of you recovers from what was done to you as well.


Edited by SoccerStar (10/22/12 12:42 AM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

Top
#413215 - 10/15/12 07:45 PM Re: Haunted by partial memories, afraid of the rest [Re: SoccerStar]
jb1973 Offline


Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 9
I have had the same memory play out over and over for almost 30 years. A lonely car ride with a man who had his pants down. That's just the beginning . Ive been in therapy for almost a year now and a lot of memories have "woken up" it is confusing and scary as hell. The best thing I can say to you is accept it and tell your therapist ..get to the bottom of it all....if you only tell them part of the experience ...then you will only get part of the healing. I should probably follow my own advice. I still am not comfortable telling my story. I just tell myself it will get better .

Top
#413229 - 10/15/12 11:11 PM Re: Haunted by partial memories, afraid of the rest [Re: SoccerStar]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Your mind will unlock it when it thinks you are ready. I am still locked up.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

Top
#413230 - 10/15/12 11:13 PM Re: Haunted by partial memories, afraid of the rest [Re: SoccerStar]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
If I tell a therapist and we start discussing this, maybe exploring it, then not only will it be much more Real and part of my life, but - worst part - I am afraid the whole thing could "wake up." Like there will be some question or trigger word, hypnosis, etc, and suddenly not only will it be really true but also it will be all there. Not just 3-5 seconds but all of it. If it really happened it obviously wouldn't have been those little clips. It could have been 10 minutes of s*xual ab*se. And then I'd have it all. Maybe it would even all re-"happen" in the therapists office - I'd be trapped reliving a long ab*se or r*pe, like it was actually happening - I'd feel it happening to me and then I'd have the whole thing haunting me for years, not just two pictures. Am I supposed to seriously choose a guy to sit in a room with me and watch as I hit all the rest of that (if there is a rest) for the first time?
...
Is there anyone here who has "awakened" a memory and had it take control of your mind? Does your brain feel it all right away? As much as I don't want to have been ab*sed I sure as hell don't want to have a "Total Recall" of something even worse.

Please - if that is what I'm headed for please let me know. Or if I'm wrong and you can just talk the truth out without it all attacking you beyond your control too, please let me know that too.


i can't tell you for sure, but it sounds to me like what i have experienced and others have described as partial memories of actual events. for some, more details emerge to complete the narrative. others never get more than what they started with. i am one who got the blanks filled in as time went on - at least most of them, as far as i know. most of it happened in two phases. one was years ago when the outline of what happened came back, but wityhout much depth or detail. thenabout a year and a half ago, the dam broke and lots more details and additional episodes came flooding back.

i'd be lying if i told you that the additional images and memories that returned were not scary and painful. it was some of the worst stuff i've ever gone through. BUT i did go THROUGH it. AND NOW IT'S BETTER! a year ago i was a screwed-up useless mess. now i am no longer useless. so that is progress. i still have triggers and once in a while a "new" detail or memory will pop up. but i am getting better at dealing with it. it no longer makes me a zombie for days at a time. i can function again.

i can understand and relate to your fears and hesitancy to pursue this enquiry. most of us have at some point asked if the tough times we go through were worth it. wouldn't we be better off to remain in blissful ignorance? well - for me the ignorance was not total enough to let me have any peace - and it certainly was far from blissful. it is hard work repressing stuff for years on end.

let me encourage you to go ahead with therapy and see what happens. don't push it - but don't fight it either. if you do "re-live" your history, it is good to have someone knowledgable there who can help - i really needed my therapist - couldn't have faced those demons alone - or even with the best-intentioned but inexperienced of supporters.

i'm guessing that the reason you are asking this now is that there are memories knocking on the door, demanding to be let out. they don't do that until it is time - and you are ready for it. and while the memories do, for a while, "take control of your head" - they do retreat into the background after a while. the good news is - once they are out in the light, they lose some of the power. knowing and facing up to what happened to me has been very liberating - the first step in moving beyond it. you can't fight an enemy that you can't see and don't know.

i could go on, but - ask more questions if you want to - either on the forum or in a PM.
this is a journey that many of us have taken before you. you are not alone. we are here for you.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#413889 - 10/22/12 12:37 AM Re: Haunted by partial memories, afraid of the rest [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Thank you to everyone who responded. I think I was clinging stupidly to the hope that someone else might validate my lifelong denial of these memories -"Oh it didn't have feature so-and-so, that means it isn't a real memory even though you've had it 20+ years, don't worry about it!"

I must admit I am mire frightened than ever by the acknowledged possibility that yes, therapy could bring more memoriesback and the awful feelings and effects of them. I am so scared but am spiraling downward badly, I think rationally speaking I have no choice.

I have made my appt with the therapist for end of this week, as a precaution I took the whole day off.

Tried to rehearse what I would say by talking to myself (less ritualized and judging than talking to a mirror) and even that was alarmingly uncomfortable. I am also going to have to find a way to explain to my therapist that I have been withholding this from him for 5 years (and all the others who came before him). So I feel that I will have to confront myself as a liar to someone whose whole job was to help me based on what I had been saying.

I will not turn back but I am afraid of humiliating myself or being curbstomped by "new" old bad memories.

I am so afraid. Nobody has a clue, I have been lying my whole life. I am glad I made the appt because if I hadn't then right now I'd be chickening out. Maybe I can muster my last shreds of denial so I can forget to stress over this until the day it happens. End of this week - who knew a grown man would be so petrified of Halloween.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

Top
#413893 - 10/22/12 01:06 AM Re: Haunted by partial memories, afraid of the rest [Re: SoccerStar]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
SoccerStar -

take a deep breath. you are going to be OK. sorry you are having to face this.

of course you have a choice. you can do nothing - and take whatever happens. or you can take charge of your life again - push through - and work toward a better life. neither is - unfortunately - an easy path. but it is up to you.

you were not lying - you were surviving. any T worth anything is not going to judge you for what you could not handle in the past. that is understood. you can stop kicking yourself now. those soccer boots are brutal!

though i dreaded spilling my guts to the T, once i began, it all came rushing out. and it was such a relief to finally tell someone and not be condemned or rejected. do what you can when you can. you survived whatever darkness put you into this state. you can survive exposing it to the light. the fears and partial memories - like the halloween monsters, lose power once they are brought to light.

i wish you all the best.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#413909 - 10/22/12 03:35 AM Re: Haunted by partial memories, afraid of the rest [Re: SoccerStar]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
here is a poem i wrote about the experience of re-discovering "lost" memories, fighting with & defeating them:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post405040

if you are feeling too fragile, you might want to wait to read it - or read the last part first - and then go back to the beginning.
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#414450 - 10/27/12 08:32 AM Re: Haunted by partial memories, afraid of the rest [Re: SoccerStar]
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1223
Loc: Northern Ohio
I used to be ok with having partial memories, because that is all I had. Of course that was before I understood what horrors my childhood held.
Now, (& since I started this journey) I really dislike them. I'd rather know it all & have no memory at all of an event, good or bad.
Partial memories leave me guessing. I have very few now, yet they are very much a mystery. There is nothing definate that says, "Yes, this IS a recovered abuse memory". The defining part are still missing & the memory could be something that looks bad due to my past but is not, or it could be something good that got blocked due to other things that were really bad that day.
There is just no telling, and I really hate it.

Top
#415827 - 11/09/12 11:58 PM Re: Haunted by partial memories, afraid of the rest [Re: blacken]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
I did it.

It got delayed from a family emergency and then Sandy - and in the meanwhile i started Wellbutrin and Xanax to at leadt creep towards functionality. But my T and I rescheduled and earlier today I did it. I told. I told my therapist about my memories, about who the man was and what I remembered him doing, and what I guessed was likely happened that I don't remember.

I had never said the words to anyone before about this same memory I'd had regularly since age 8, and was surprised by what a detailed picture I was able to paint from just 4-5 seconds. I got dizzy and lightheaded from emotion during it but I did not faint.

He was wonderful - entirely sympathetic and gentle with me ad we talked about what this might represent in my life.

I asked him if he was upset that I'd been hiding this from / lying to him for years. He said no but he was upset that someone had betrayed and hurt me. I can't describe how hearing that made me feel. I thought I would bust out crying but for some reason it didn't happen. I feel it lurking and building inside me and can just tell it won't be long.

We did not talk about mechanisms for recovering other memories, or even if he is qualified to do that or would need to refer me to someone rlse. I still mostly don't want to try recovering them, at least not yet. I don't know what the next steps are. We also discussed my feelings over my childhood friend who was ruined by those famous pedophiles - from recent "Failing a friend" thread.

Thank you to everyone for encouraging me to get started with this. I can't say I feel "good" but I feel different.

Not sure what else to say. Feel like a squeezed out sponge - nothing profound left for now.


Edited by SoccerStar (11/10/12 12:05 AM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

Top
#415832 - 11/10/12 12:28 AM Re: Haunted by partial memories, afraid of the rest [Re: SoccerStar]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
good work, SoccerStar!

this is a major milestone in your recovery.

hope it leads to much more progress.

proud of you,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.