And yet, we still love you like a brother.
I'm deeply sorry for your acute pain right now. I, too, cannot maintain a relationship and subvert my own good opportunities with my defense mechanisms that drive away the people that I want to be with.
Dealing with my ruined relationships in the past has been the most painful things that I've endured... and yet, we muddle through.
Consider your namesake: Ferdinand Magellan was the first explorer to circumnavigate the globe when many still considered Earth to be flat. Don't hate yourself for surviving; look at what you've endured so far.
Life, even when it is cruel and filled with bullshit, is what we make of it. Right?
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.