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#413013 - 10/13/12 02:35 PM * [Re: Jude]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:32 PM)

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#413015 - 10/13/12 04:07 PM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Magellan]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
Quote:
but non verbal intimacy? NONE.


This brought an interesting point to my mind. Do I also not feel kinship between either sex. Do I simply overcompensate in a non verbally intimate way as a form of a mask to hide my real inability to connect. The same way others have stated before of being uncofortable and in the wrong skin in a wholey male crowd but being able to talk enough of a game to slip through the radar. I find intimacy EXCEEDINGLY difficult to grasp and understand, and, with but a single exception in my life beyond my abuse, exchanged sexuality as a substitute almost immediately, for they became interchangable from the start.
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I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#413018 - 10/13/12 04:39 PM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Well Hello Brother.

Sounds like I wrote this Myself. Actually I don't really have an Guy friends and my wife gets a little peeved if I have only lady friends, so I go through life with well, no friends.

I'm not like most guys, cant do the he man talk, cant talk about sex all the time and don't really do the phony sports talk.

So yep.
BTW I hope this post isnt to positive??? Hehehe

heal well
Martin
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Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#413023 - 10/13/12 06:03 PM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
thedudeabides Offline


Registered: 10/09/12
Posts: 27
Loc: Augusta, Georgia
I have realized recently that I am completely ill at ease in the company of men, especially a small group. I feel inadequate, like I don't and couldn't possibly belong. I had to type this post three times because I felt like it was stupid and you guys aren't even in the same room. How weird is that?
_________________________
I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
and you know it don't come easy.
Ringo Starr

They flutter behind you, your possible pasts;
Some bright-eyed and crazy, some frightened and lost...
And strung out behind us the banners and flags
of our possible pasts lie in tatters and rags.
Roger Waters


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#413056 - 10/14/12 04:39 AM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
Yerac Offline


Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 45
Loc: Southern CA
.

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#413060 - 10/14/12 05:05 AM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: thedudeabides]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: thedudeabides
I have realized recently that I am completely ill at ease in the company of men, especially a small group. I feel inadequate, like I don't and couldn't possibly belong. I had to type this post three times because I felt like it was stupid and you guys aren't even in the same room. How weird is that?


Not at all tda. You'll love this: you're in the right place! (and if no one's said it...WELCOME!)


fwiw, I edit my posts all the time.

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#413062 - 10/14/12 06:37 AM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Wow, I never expected this much response. I thought it was just me and my feelings of inadequecy. Truth is after my CSA at 13, I completely withdrew from the human race. Never had a friend again in my life, except for one at 18, which became sexualized (though without any contact)and ended up a disaster. Otherwise, never let anyone near enough to possibly hurt me again, or learn my "secrets".

Even now when I force myself to go to a men's AA meeting, I feel like everyone there is bigger than me. Even so, I like the honesty that happens there without women around. Honesty...thats another thread!
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#413063 - 10/14/12 07:27 AM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Gary,

This is certainly a survivor's cringing moment. Personally I used to dread one or more men paying me any attention, but I craved attention greatly, so it became a cycle of drawing near to men, then becoming overwhelmed because I was not getting the support I wanted from them or they would begin to pick on me because I was not understanding their form of humor. I was rejected so much more than I was accepted. My father was also abused, unrecovered he beat me emotionally and physically, so I figured guys who were older than I would do the same. I was told to be respectful of older ones, but the older ones were sarcastic and condescending, so it was difficult to do anything to please them. I remember once I was with some of my dad's friends and they had a flat tire, I was about 14 or 15 and rushed to take the tire off, you know, to be helpful. I could not break the nuts loose, and one of his friends pushed me aside and said "you kids think you know everything" and broke the buts loose. Later on that guys kids both had severe emotional issues, including hospitalization, paranoia and schizophrenia, his son carried a gun onto a busload of kids. I felt so sorry for that boy.

I had trouble relating to men until I became balanced in my thoughts. Recovery supported me, so I did not need to seek validation from other men. They were them and I was me. I was not angry with them when they talked about sexual things in a derogatory way, or if they tried to make me feel like I was dumb, I could walk away. One of the most empowering moments of my life was when a guy in a group told a "soft"(as if) child sexual abuse joke, and I confronted him in a calm but very firm way. I looked him in the eye before the punch line and told him that was inappropriate. I did not demand he stop, I just let him know it was not funny. He did not finish the joke and apologized. That was amazing.

What I wanted from men I really wanted to balance in myself. I was not going to have sex with them, they were not going to control me, I did not need to confide every sin I ever made with them, they are just trying to find a bunch of guys who are detached from their emotions and want to laugh about body waste and listen to stories of killing animals. I guess in a group of men I listened more to me telling me I was not worthy of being with them, that I was going to do something stupid and be embarrassed. I was scaring me out of being with those I really felt I wanted to be with. When those thoughts no longer controlled me, I found I could be with, well, almost anyone I wanted to be with, I was fine, they were fine and we good.

The bonding of men can be about connecting to a stronger, more likable guy who can fix anything, is admired by men and women and can be in any disposable shaver commercial. Let's change that by showing them how "manly" attentive, empathetic, compassionate, firm and gentle a man can truly be,

Sam
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#413079 - 10/14/12 11:22 AM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Thanks Sam,

I really needed to hear those words. I always feel like I am caught between who I want to be, and who I want to be for others.I am not sure how to reconcile who I am as a man.

Heal well

Daniel
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#413080 - 10/14/12 11:55 AM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
(((Daniel))) Keep searching for the answers fellow survivor. They ARE coming. We are a composite, we are whom we have been. Finding the one hurt, loving him and then teaching him who we want to be matures us. In empathy, in really feeling the confusion of the hurt survivor, the embarrassment of the mistakes since then and the frustration we feel now, we heal. In healing, we seal the composite pieces into a solid frame, a picture of self support.

This is in time, the success of recovery is in the little battles won, as they teach us how to dance at our victory of the war.
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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