There are so many themes of rejection, inferiority, secrecy, living dual lives that seem to characterize us. And there are all the what ifs: what if the CSA had not occurred; what if we had found someone else who had affirmed us and accepted us for who we are -- whatever that might be.....I have been trying to "deal" with my CSA in therapy but I'm stillnot sure what "dealing" with it means. I can describe it, I can try to go back there and relive it. But is that really dealing with it? I have a sense of the experience that I thought was truly fucked up until I saw that other guys have had similar experiences. For me, the abuse was not perceived as abuse. It was perceived as loving, warm, special, someone caring about me between ages 8 and 11 when the other boys in the neighborhood appeared to delight in calling me "fairy" and "faggot." So the young man across the street embraced me, emotionally and physically. And this became our secret. The difficulty occurred when he rejected me. Was I no longer good enough? Did I not perform oral sex in the way that he enjoyed? Is this truly fucked up? Probably. Not feeling as if you are pleasing your abuser and not knowing it was abuse until much later. So the secret stayed with me and I guess it did all sorts of things to me emotionally that I still don't understand. Trying to understand but all I know is that there is the facade of a successful guy who manages a successful program for families and children with disabilities and seems to be liked by staff and clients. But I never really believe that I have anything to offer and accolades mean nothing because anything that I accomplish I assume that any asshole can accomplish. I even have a Ph.D. that I pursued primarily to please my parents and to validate that I was smart. But as soon as I got it, I plunged into despair. There is always the line from the Peggy Lee song: Is that all there is? Under the facade there is emptiness. There are feelings of longing, of chronic uncertainty, of wondering who the fuck I really am....I seem to do a good job of helping other people but perhaps we never can really uncover all the layers, all the crap that defines us. And is this uncertainty due to the abuse or maybe I am really just an asshole. But three years of getting your penis sucked while being called fairy and faggot does have a legacy. Still trying to figure out what the fuck that legacy really is.....