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#412731 - 10/10/12 09:56 PM Anger Management
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
The depression comes and goes. I'm learning to deal with the self-hatred. And I really think I'm past the fear. But the anger is always just below the surface, and comes roaring out when I least expect it, and at whoever is in my way.

Anybody found a way, in therapy, or just personally, to deal with the anger?
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#412733 - 10/10/12 10:11 PM Re: Anger Management [Re: Jude]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Thru my EMDR we had to establish a safe place. When I feel my anger kicking in I try to think of that. My anger and rage win sometimes unfortunately. A lot of road rage.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#412736 - 10/10/12 10:37 PM Re: Anger Management [Re: Jude]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Hey Jude,

This is a great question, and one that I'm still learning. Matter of fact, I had an outburst this morning when a bus driver wouldn't let me board his bus with my service animal. Suffice it to say, I was yelling and making a scene in front of everyone, threatening his job. I'm embarrassed about my behavior.

What I've come to learn about my outbursts, is that there's some small part of me that feels invalidated and threatened. When I feel invalidated I can sometimes feel threatened, and when I feel threatened I become angry.

It's gotten a lot better since I started practicing just being aware of the anger. I slowly became aware that it was covering up other, more painful feelings; fear and pain. When I feel fear or pain, I can get angry.

Wish I could just tackle this monster once and for all. It has no use in my life.

Hope this was helpful.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#412739 - 10/10/12 11:21 PM Re: Anger Management [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
Jude -

my problem is a little different from yours - but still related. i get set off by anger-provoking situations - like you - and i think most of us tend to over-react in one way or another.

but my way is to refuse to let it out - try to control it - stuff it or deny it - and i end up depressed, high BP, feeling like i'm about to blow and not able to - and frustrated.

i know there must be an appropriate way for all of us to express anger safely and in a healthy way. most of the suggestions i've heard - like beating a pillow with fists, hitting a rock with a stick, chopping wood, lifting weights, screaming in an isolated place, etc. - just hasn't worked for me. maybe people who are more able to get it out there will find these helpful - but they just make me self-conscious.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#412752 - 10/11/12 03:27 AM Re: Anger Management [Re: Magellan]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: Magellan
What I've come to learn about my outbursts, is that there's some small part of me that feels invalidated and threatened. When I feel invalidated I can sometimes feel threatened, and when I feel threatened I become angry.

It's gotten a lot better since I started practicing just being aware of the anger. I slowly became aware that it was covering up other, more painful feelings; fear and pain. When I feel fear or pain, I can get angry.

I've learnt this too. Whenever I get angry, there is almost always some underlying emotion. I try to be aware of my emotions and catch them before they turn to anger. My therapist taught me to name and own the emotion. If I can say to myself "I feel hurt/disrespected/invalidated because...", then pause and allow myself to really feel it, it helps me stay rational and in control. I also use a lot of breathing exercises to calm me down, and later, when I'm in a safe place (eg. at home) I go back and unpack what happened, and why I felt the way it did. Perhaps there is something new I need to process.

As a practical measure - I'm a marathon runner. When I get that feeling like I'm going to explode, I put on my running shoes and go leave it all on the road. There's nothing like a good serotonin rush to calm the anger inside ;p
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#412766 - 10/11/12 08:19 AM Re: Anger Management [Re: Jude]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
Anger is literally an umbrella emotion.

Anger only exists because other feelings and such (spokes) hold it up.

Like an umbrella, in most cases it a defense.

Supporting the spokes of any umbrella is the main shaft, which in the case of anger, is injustice.

Any time you feel anger, there is some sense of "injustice" to it. Granted many times it can be a false sense or even a broken sense of injustice, but it's there.

The words I see people here using, which eaisily connect to a sense of injustice are: invalidated, threatened, hurt, disrespected, etc. Others that would connect to those are being made to feel, less than others, unworthy, unwanted, worthless.

When we've been wounded though, like a beaten dog forced into a corner, our response to those situations is often over the top or out of proportion to the situation at hand. If we can see and identify what's going on, even as it happens we can correct and only apply the amount warranted for the situation.

Easy? Nope, I struggle with anger issues and freely admit to having a really bad temper.... it's better than it was 5 years ago..... but still have quite a long way to go.

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#412773 - 10/11/12 09:41 AM Re: Anger Management [Re: Jude]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Jude

Strange one for me. My anger and rage were the first things to leave me when I admitted to being abused. I remember the feeling, it was as though a 600 pound Gremlin flew off my shoulders the day I watched the Oprah show on the 200 men. It was like the greatest relief that I have ever experienced in my life.
Thank God for that Oprah show, it genuinely saved my life.

Nowadays the monster is kept at bay because I no longer need to pretend, I am well, I am happy, and I am a really good good guy. I'm not blowing my own horn here, but for survivors to be in love with themselves is a real accomplishment.

So to find that inner peace I needed to purge all the demons out of my life.

Heal well Bro
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#412992 - 10/13/12 08:58 AM Re: Anger Management [Re: traveler]
ShortedDiode Offline


Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
Leaving, walking away from the situation that's causing me to get angry, for a little while seems to help a lot. Going for a brisk walk and having a coffee usually gives me enough time to think about things and unwind enough to be able to deal with the problem better.

Originally Posted By: traveler

i know there must be an appropriate way for all of us to express anger safely and in a healthy way. most of the suggestions i've heard...screaming in an isolated place, etc.


I've got a story about doing that. When I was working as a security guard to put myself through college a few years ago, things came to a head at Christmas. Christmas has always been rough with all the family stuff and I was also dealing with the financial pressures of college and the site I worked at had a seasonal layoff over Christmas and that added to the pile of stress I was dealing with. I was picking up hours overnight at this empty nursing home that had been completely gutted for renovations and on Christmas Eve, I was totally at wit's end because of the latest family crap about gifts for everyone on top of everything else, and when I showed up to work, the scheduling department had double booked people and it was a total shambles. Finally, after sitting and stewing by myself for an hour or two in the middle of the night, I walked out the side door of the building, into the middle of the street with houses with Christmas lights on, stood in the middle of the road in full uniform, took a deep breath and bellowed out one good long yell until my lungs were empty. Then I went back inside and finished my night shift. I laugh about it now...just picturing myself in full uniform screaming at the top of my lungs in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve in the middle of some residential street...
_________________________
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

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#412995 - 10/13/12 09:41 AM Re: Anger Management [Re: Jude]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
I find something to do. Go target practice, till the garden, work on digging my fish pond, split firewood, things like that. Once I cool off, I go back a calmly tell whoever made me angry just what they did and, why it made me mad.

One situation set me off big tome and, I don't hold back or redirect, you hurt someone I care for and you will face my temper head on and, I make no apology for it.

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