It does get better.
The thing the drove me closest to self-destruction was the messed-up pattern of fantasies and flashbacks of the abuse. It would happen, and I would want to hurt myself over the guilt.
That was... dunno, almost a decade ago.
Happened again today.
Wasn't pleasant. Not at all. But I'd learned not to own it. Now it looked like "That sucked, but it's his fault, not mine, and it's my wound, not my identity." And moved on with my day.
[as a religious type some prayer stuff was involved]
Lots of stuff is like that these days. I have to cut back on friend time when I used to be completely isolated. I'm choosing between churches when I didn't belong to them. I've got my degree when I felt I was a total looser.
There's still a lot I want to work on, and I'm far from where I want to be...
But though I can stand where I am and point at a 90 degree turn from where I was, at no point can I remember the road seeming to bend. It always seemed like I was standing on one straight road with no turn in sight.
Change and healing, seem to be incremental instead of miraculous and swift.
just because you don't see progress doesn't mean you're not making anyone! Just like as kids we couldn't see ourselves grow, but we sometimes shot up like weeds!
Hang in there! It does get better!
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.