Hi guys, this is so good discussion!
Well as the most of people we survivors are insecure and it is really hurtful for me seeing that I'm more supportive and kind for others than to my self. Sometimes I'm feeling like nothing good in life I deserve.
If I'm anxious and under stress I've been caught in constant turmoil and fight with such negative thoughts. There is no worse punishment for me than being left alone in such mood, it is terrible to handle sometimes.
I think that source of that negative self image is in unconsciousness. I feel it during my sleep and at the moments when I'm not fully awake early in the morning.
And no matter from what I've been scared when final confrontation comes I've been felt huge relief; relief of my grumpy inner voice more than from some difficult situation that I have had to deal with.
That voice is telling me to be scared of men, to expect the worse, to be not good enough or not man enough etc.
I guess some self esteem and confidence will come with age naturally.
But guys I wanted to tell you that I remember my childhood and later past when I was one of the leaders for bunch of boys from neighborhood. I was good in sports, I was helping others with school problems, I knew for many things that others didn't understand. Some of boys looked at me like in some hero.
Sometimes later during my high school I pulled back avoiding exposing my self to others and especially male friends from school. My mum died at that time, some boys attacked me and my brother because of some girls and some of them called and looked at me as I'm gay in the most negative context.
I've been caught on that spot ever since. Somehow it was much easier for me to feel good in my skin when I was boy than now as grown man.
So now here is my status related to this issue:
I've been trying to look more positively on myself.
I'm aware that I don't need confirmation from other males, I know who I'm.
I know that I can be supportive to others so I'm looking for that strength to revert it to myself; why not to try to do something for myself and to put my well-being a little bit higher on the list?
I dare occasionally to push myself to go over my comfort zone: like playing tennis with some new guys (it was great so far) or going for ski weekends with some men (I'll try not to repeat it) or becoming friend with my coworker (who is terrible annoying alpha male and now I'm trying so hardly to pull back
I needed to talk to my father about my brother who couldn't tell him that he is gay. I become aware how scared my father could be and fragile as person.
I started talking with my father and some men from my family more openly, I'm still felling that some of them consider me ass much younger and not equal and that neglect especially drives me crazy.
I'm trying to be more active and not passive waiting for things to happen, this is the most difficult task for me.
Some anxiety toward other men in my case would always be present like my hyper-vigilance but I learned that after some time my inner voice full of fears and negative messages would become silent.
So guys I know that some improvement is possible.
Let's share all our issues so we can learn how to become more relaxed in own skin!