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#412971 - 10/13/12 03:27 AM In the Company of Men
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Okay here's a question thats been on my mind for a while. When I'm in a group of men socially, I never feel like part of the group. I always feel like a little kid, awkward and unsure what to say. Even when most of the men are younger than me. Its like I'm stuck at 13 (my csa age).

At the same time I can socially relate well to women. I do great at public speaking. I can be funny, articulate, and poised. But put me in a small group of guys and I freeze up.

Am I alone in this or what?
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#412981 - 10/13/12 05:11 AM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Jude - i know that feeling exactly. and i remember others here expressing it similarly.

i always feel like i don't belong. like i am different. like there is a big sign on my back that identifies me as a phony who is masquerading as a real guy. (notice i didn't even have the nerve to say "man.") like the others are just tolerating me and can see through me and will be glad when i leave. like i am an outcast who has deceptively infiltrated the ranks of the normals and is likely to be exposed at any moment. like i am outside myself observing how inept and what a big loser i am...

face it - we ARE different. we have experienced things that set us apart. we see things from a different perspective - and have deeper insights to some issues - and no common ground with normal guys in other areas. nobody ever taught us how to be one of the gang.

and sometimes i am glad that i am not as shallow and mindless and simplistic and as much of an instinctive animal as the way i see them. and other times i long to be just that - with no reason to have to even consider anything but the trivial stuff that occupies them.

in short - NO - you are not alone.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#412983 - 10/13/12 05:23 AM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jude,
I can so much relate with you. I'm embarrassed to even count how many girl friends I have, they are highly over-numbering my male friends smile
I've never feeling at home in some huge group of men. Especially if someone is loud and aggressive there.
And certainly I'm somehow nervous if I have to meet and spend some time with some men that I don't know. I've been forcing my self a little bit there and I've started to play tennis with guys that I don't know, so far it was great.
But there were some failures too. I went on two occasions on ski weekends with couple of guys (all alfa males) with whom I don't have nothing in common and I survived drinking and eating in huge quantities and making terrible mess in house but I would not repeat it smile

At my work women are coming in my room for some chat all time and it is always some laugh and noise there and some male colleagues are jealous but I really don't have any intentions, I'm just more relaxed in company of women smile

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#412998 - 10/13/12 10:53 AM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
I'm 100% like that. Always find myself with the women rather then men and haven't ever felt like I fit in or belonged.

Yet like you I speak publically, I teach, I'm very technical, write well etc. But am on the outs with men.

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#412999 - 10/13/12 11:18 AM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 814
Loc: michigan
not alone at all man. I have never been able to feel secure around a bunch of guys and smaller groups are even worse. I just feel like I am wearing a mark somehow. and that all the "guy talk" is so superficial.And just like the rest of the guys here I speak in public,even sing but when I am "on" t just seems like another act lots of times. when I'm there I feel safe cause I'm in control just another kind of isolation I guess.
hope that helps
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#413002 - 10/13/12 12:31 PM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
You are indeed not alone. I very rarely socialize with men of my own age. They generaly are roughly a decade apart either older or younger. Men my age seem to put me on edge and I feel like I'm singled out as the weird one, regardless of how esoteric my companions are. I'm fairly sure they don't pick up on it as like you i'm articulate can hold my own in conversation and am occasionally pretty damned funny, but on the inside i just feel like vomitting. Perhaps its the pecking order most men feel the need to place them selves in that makes me feel more comfortable I wouldnt be competing for women more than 10 years in age difference. Hell i dont know why i don't feel comfortable around men my age, just that I hear ya on this one.
_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#413003 - 10/13/12 12:39 PM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Jude
Okay here's a question thats been on my mind for a while. When I'm in a group of men socially, I never feel like part of the group. I always feel like a little kid, awkward and unsure what to say. Even when most of the men are younger than me. Its like I'm stuck at 13 (my csa age).

At the same time I can socially relate well to women. I do great at public speaking. I can be funny, articulate, and poised. But put me in a small group of guys and I freeze up.

Am I alone in this or what?


Me too. And I'm also responding to the other guys who have expressed this. I know I first felt this when I went off to first grade. I know that these feelings made me vulnerable to more abuse.

The book I'm reading about the effects of abuse in children comments specifically on this social problem.

Puffer

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#413005 - 10/13/12 01:02 PM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1437
Loc: California
I have EXACTLY the same issue.

ADD to that, I'm also very uncomfortable around women. I envy you guys that have any friendships at all.

After a very hard short lived dating experience, I've just now learned that I haven't got a clue what "intimacy" is.

I don't understand intimacy. I mean, sure, I can "talk" very intimately, but non verbal intimacy? NONE.

I'm all alone on this planet because of that. My heart is broken. Has been broken almost all my life.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#413009 - 10/13/12 02:05 PM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
Awesome thread. Thank you for bringing it up. It actually helps me feel not so quite alone. So many here like me. Like Allen I was on outs even by first grade.

Crazy thing is, I know others see me as confident and capable etc. but I sure don't feel that way at all.

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#413010 - 10/13/12 02:14 PM Re: In the Company of Men [Re: Jude]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I can relate to everything here as well. I even have a hard time using the word "man". Truthfully, I have days when I am feeling more confident and those also coincide with feeling more comfortable with my masculinity. Great thread. Thank for sharing.
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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