Gary - i read your blog. the best i can offer is a familiar phrase - IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT!
sounds like the deck was stacked against you and you were set up for a situation in which few seasoned professionals woul have been able to excel.
two reasons for hope = perhaps the rep will read your written testimony - which may have more impact than if he had been there = and is very well written, i might add. and - perhaps your obvious discomfort and insecurity in speaking will have provided a visual illustration of the affects of CSA upon you -even all this time later.
please don't blame yourself. you did the best you coud under the circumstances.
A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense to not himself.
Or just as mad.
So there you are.
Stark raving sane.
- Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead