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#373830 - 10/30/11 10:02 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: misscrespo]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
Misscrespo you guy sounds amazing. That is an amazing and touching thing he shared (and you shared here).

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Wife of a survivor

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#373861 - 10/31/11 09:08 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: misscrespo]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Hi whome. Thanks for all the help you have given me.

1. He told me of the abuse after I found out about the hooking up with anonymous men, hookers and phone sex. I really don't remember the details as I was in shock and in the midst of trauma. I am sre I didn't react in the exact right way, but let me tell you, shock and trauma. I would have never guessed he would have done the things he had done. It was obvious at that point he had been traumatized. I don't believe a man would ever do these things had he not been traumatized as a child especially when you are in an affectionate, sexual marriage. Only a wounded man would pick those "activities" when he has a willing wife at home.

2. After he quit drinking, and I found out about the sexual dysfunction, yes, I did suspect something was off but I would have never guessed any of this. NEVER!

3. Yes, SA and SAA, after a few years of AA. Start4ed therapy right away but has been slow surrendering to the process. Things seem to be getting better. I have to say seems because after all the trauma, I can't trust my own perceptions anymore. That is one of the most sad things about all of this.

Hope this helps.


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#375243 - 11/13/11 11:03 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: anniec56]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
My husband never told me. He told my grandson's mother during a conversation in which she confided in him her own CSA. He told her of his abuse so she would not feel alone. They were having an affair at the time. She was the only human being he'd ever told. I only learned of his abuse after discovering their affair. It's when I confronted her about the affair that she told me he'd prostituted himself in his past.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
Yes, but I could never put my finger on it. But during our ten year marriage, things happened (inappropriate, juvenile, selfish behaviors) and sometimes, when drinking, he would reveal incidents that occurred in his past that would stun me and leave me wondering who I'd married. I chalked a lot of it up to his being physically and emotionally abused by his father as a child. That is certainly the foundation of his dysfunction, but it wasn't the nail in the coffin. The discovery of the affair, and all of the other associated horrors is what brought it to light. I can't believe I'm saying it, but I guess it all was a blessing...? Now, he can heal, I pray.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
We are in the first steps of that now. We've spent the year since my learning of the affair working through the acting out behaviors that devastated our marriage, family and lives. It was only in the last month that it dawned on me that what happened to him (prostituting himself) after he ran away from his abusive home at age 16 was actually CSA! I guess because I learned of his prostitution in conjunction with learning of his adult behaviors of having an affair with someone I'd cared for as my own daughter, his use of prostitutes, his hiding of vodka all over the house, and so many more crimes committed by a grown man, it didn't CLICK that his "prostitution" was when he was a homeless, runaway CHILD of SIXTEEN! He was sexually abused! What a wake-up call! I'm ashamed that I was blind to that for so long, but having so many injuries inflicted, I think we had to stop the bleeding before we could find the wound. Our recent discussions of the abuse has been astounding as he never viewed it as abuse either. Instead, like so many on this site, he felt shame and thought he had been the one in control back then. It has been an eye-opening month for us both! The repair work has just begun with the help of this site and the many resources (books) I've plowed through. We have just begun seeing a counselor together.

I hope this is of help to you.

Blessings!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#375256 - 11/14/11 02:02 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: herowannabe]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hero
Don't be ashamed, we survivors are very good at hiding things.
You are a very courageous person, and don't forget it. Remember to give yourself a pat on the back occasionally, you deserve it.
Thanks for posting, and yes it does all help.

I am trying to establish a pattern, which I think is beginning to emerge, so thank you

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377982 - 12/03/11 05:02 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I would like more input on this if you feel so inclined.
There are a few new people on the site.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#378042 - 12/04/11 12:19 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
Taurus Offline


Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 13
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?

Oh, after a 3 year marriage in which I finally had to leave because of his increasingly erratic behavior which became scary. I've known this man for 9 years and never thought I would be afraid of him. He finally told me one night after I had left and he just broke down crying.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?

Yes, I suspected something was wrong from the honeymoon on. There was such sexual dysfunction that I asked him several times during our marriage if he had been sexually abused. He always told me no. There were also bouts of rage, punching out walls and throwing things onto the floor. I had NEVER seen nor imagined he could ever be like that before I married him. And we knew each other for 6 years before we married. We also were old-fashioned in deciding to wait until we were married for intimacy to occur. There were issues on our honeymoon night....

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?

No. I wish he would. When he disclosed, he told me the abuse was why he never had any relationships and always just stayed home living with his father. He also told me that's why he had trouble making love to me. Now, he says that the abuse "wasn't that aggressive" so it didn't have a big impact on him.

Well, if you can't make love to your wife and want to and you couldn't have any relationships because of this, I think it's a big deal!


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#378192 - 12/04/11 09:38 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Lady 123,

I also refused to go to a dentist except for pain bad enough to keep me awake. I though it was dental phobia until I was triggered about my sexual abuse that I put 2 and 2 together.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#378226 - 12/05/11 03:32 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: Sailor John]
stripeysocks Offline


Registered: 11/28/11
Posts: 43
Loc: US
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
We've had a very awesome relationship the 5 years we've been together. Sometimes around holidays when we'd drive several hundred miles to see his family he would act like a different person, get angry, etc. Then a close friend confided in us about his csa. Then the Penn State thing started and I was upset about it. As soon as this year's Thanksgiving hit my husband got really upset and withdrawn. Finally he told me.


2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
No. Things between us were always really good and the only time he would get upset was around Thanksgiving and Christmas when we'd get ready to visit his family. Since his mom was physically abusive I thought it was just the stress of seeing her. This Thanksgiving I finally felt like there was something more and after asking him a few times he finally told me.


3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
We are taking gentle steps with this and starting with talking to each other and reading some books. He was already being treated with Celexa for anxiety and has gone in a few times for stress counseling, but is not ready to see a therapist and I respect that having gone through therapy myself.


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#378410 - 12/06/11 08:52 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
1. How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
He answered questions I asked as he was in/coming out of a nightmare. This took place early in the second year of our relationship.

2. Did you suspect something was wrong?
Sort of. In the first year we knew each other, he had a couple of episodes where he withdrew although we were in the same room, if you know what I mean [Of course you do. (((Hugs))) ] He was almost unreachable. The only thing that broke through was hugging him despite his telling me I shouldn't love or care about him. That was strong indication that something was going on.

3. Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
Nope.


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#385130 - 02/10/12 03:55 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: eyesforward]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Found this thread and would like to continue it please. Odd the last reply in light of recent events.

Heal well all
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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