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#412750 - 10/11/12 02:08 AM Re: taking jabs [Re: HD001]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi HD
A couple of things. Esposa put it so well and she got the book right.
You cannot live with a survivor for so long and not become Co-Dependent. There is nothing wrong with being a CD, and there is no shame in being CD. I read things like "So I sat and held his hand to soften him," and think there we go.
If you are adjusting your normal behavior in any way to please him, avoid him, prevent him from doing something, or make him happy. If you are letting go of your dreams and future to care for him and his bad behavior, well those are all CD behaviors. Remember that there is no shame in being CD, it is a wa=y for your mind to cope with the pain.

As for the H. You cannot heal from CSA if you are using and drinking. So if H is drinking he is doing it to avoid the feelings that are surfacing. Alcohol kills feelings and emotions, and in order to heal from this we survivors need to feel.
Love yourself through this, and don't compare your recovery to his, there is unfortunately a huge difference. And don't forget that you are a survivor now too.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#412802 - 10/11/12 02:25 PM Re: taking jabs [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
Thanks your post made me cry. It really clicked with me. Esposa thanks for the explanation and book. I've been thinking a lot latley about why it is so hard to face the truth about ourselves sometimes. It's really silly because refusing to see only holds us back. It's been a really emotional week for me but I have been gaining a lot of insight into myself. I think I still haven't fully forgiven myself for being such a nasty bully for so long and hurting my family. I'm learning that sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. I think in the past I had put up with H's behavior because I felt like it was my karma for how I treated others for so long. I realize how unhealthy this kind of thinking is and I'm looking forward to changing it.
Thanks again
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#412839 - 10/11/12 07:24 PM Re: taking jabs [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 707
Loc: NJ
Oh HD, I was so there. Suffering as a karmic debt wink

Some people operate from a place of guilt and some from a place of shame. Most often, opposites attract for obvious reasons. Those of us willing to carry the guilt, often become very codependent to people who are running from their shame. It is a dance.

If you extract yourself, release some of your guilt, find and connect to your essence, your needs, your dreams - you will be a happier person. And...(This one is hard to hear)... he will either learn the new dance or he will go. And if he goes, it will no longer matter to you.

I remember the first time someone said that to me - around the same time I couldn't bring myself to connect to the book - I almost had a nervous breakdown. I think I cried for days. He will go???? What? I have to stop that. I have to do everything in my power to keep that from happening. This was all my flawed thinking.

I love my husband very much. But I love me more. I will not enable or even bear witness to destructive behavior anymore. I no longer feel guilty for things I have done. They were part of my journey, necessary pieces that made today possible.

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