I was reading the comments in an article about Sandusky being sentenced, and one if them had a simple yet profound description of the affects of CSA. It was:

"They have killed the person I could have been."

How true!

This was the article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-...-sex-abuse.html http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-...-sex-abuse.html

I think that line is so true. Abuse of any sort kills or destroys who one can be.

For many or most of us, this includes lost careers, families, relationships, etc.

The cost to me is I hate life because I've never had a life and it's because I have always been lonely.

My Quote
"They killed the person that I could have been, but I survived, and now I am better than I could ever have dreamed of being."

Never forget that healing is possible and from the ashes so to speak, the phoenix arises.


Heal well all
Martin

Martin,
That sounds wonderful, but the reality for me in life is that because of self-loathing and other damage done by abuse, I have never managed to keep any job more than a few months, before I sabotage by quitting. This is not something I currently have control over. It's subconscious and I don't even realize I am doing it, until it's over. I did have one job for 4-1/2 years once, but that is the only one that was very long. I am in my 50's and I have had about 50 jobs since i started working at 15 years of age.

So, the reality is that I have no job, can't get one because of the lousy economy and discrimination against older workers and the fact that I have never made much money nor held a job very long. I refuse to lie on my resume, so I am stuck with what I have done. Not only this, but I have never been married and am soon facing the prospect of being all alone in the world. The simple fact is that I am facing a time in the not-too-distant future where I seriously don't know if/how I will make it.

I can try and be as giddily happy as possible, but the damage is there and I can't positive-think it away. It's like looking at a train wreck and saying, "...but the locomotive is still there and better than it could have ever dreamed of being."

I've been on the other side - I get a job and keep it, even when it doesn't pay well, even when I'm treated like dirt, even when I hate going in - I keep the job. Especially now since I, too, don't know how it would be to find a job at my age. Marriage failing - also facing the prospect of a solitary existence.

I just try to find groups to be involved with - other people doing things I enjoy. One summer it was swimming, once it was needlepoint (before my eyes went). Hard for me to join into groups - but the fear of being alone is a pretty strong driver.

Undefeated - are there hobbies you enjoy that might have groups built around them? Or would that even be a possibility. I know - it's not a close, warm, intimate relationship - but it still beats 100% solitary. At least to me .....

MarkK,

You do make a good point about having a social life. I am hoping to have someone come live with me, but there are some obstacles to overcome before that can happen. For the time being, I am a caregiver for my mother, so I am not completely alone right now.

The more immediate and important problem is having and keeping employment, in order to survive. I'll probably never see much more than minimum wage again.

Thanks!

Sorry Man, I know that my reality cannot be yours and I am extremely grateful for my life, that said, it is the first time that I am grateful for my life.
Two years ago I couldn't have cared if I had lived or died, actually the died part was attractive and an extremely tempting one at that.
My life then was falling apart, on the verge of divorce, business failing, life sucked.
But now it is a different story.

I hope that you too will have the same results from your healing path and journey.
BTW I also changed jobs like underwear, so eventually I started my own, I am not the wealthiest guy in town, but I am my own boss and have been for 13 years. Perhaps you should find what you are good at doing and follow your heart.
In AA we have a saying, Let Go and let God.

Heal well Bro.

Martin

If you read Sandusky reactions and reporting broadly, there is nearly zero coverage of what Undefeated speaks of...and what I experience. TLD - Total Life Devastation.

I didn't give-up. I crawled up out of the muck. I overcame the only way I could, with $100K worth of cocaine and enough alcohol to fill the Grand Canyon. I then left those tools behind and kept-on with a successful life. When my inner child demanded to be dealt with as I had promised myself back then, I lost everything.

No...society has a tough enough time working with the Normals. It has no tolerance for broken men.