Well I'm a little bit surprised and caught of guard when I've seen that today is exactly one year since I've came to Male survivor.
One year ago I was so lonely and in some terrible stress because of my work. I needed to travel a lot, to change hotels every other day, there were always some new people to whom I've had meetings, and to intensively work with two colleagues, one was great, other-team leader was the most demanding micromanager that I've ever meet. So there was a lot of tension in the air all time: from social interactions and from our schedule. I've been into some dark place at nights and visiting some gay porn pages to escape from my reality, I was felt terrible empty at the end but couldn't control that cycle and repeated it all time. Every day and night looked completely the same.
One night I was angry at my self and kind of desperate so I've put words "gay imprinted" into google and such search brought me to Male survivor
It was great journey ever since!
I've become aware that I'm survivor. I was thrilled afte I've read some of stories here, it was so overwhelming, suddenly I've read about many guys and theirs stories and with more or lees similar problems...
I've started to think more critically on all things that happened to me, to share here my thoughts and problems, to talk with some of my friends, and to go to therapy after couple of months.
The most important thing was that I've found my twin brother here with similar issues, I knew that he was struggling but we never talked openly.
So we started to talk about our past and I was felt like some big part of me that was hole become filled again.
I can say that I moved a lot from place where I was one year ago. I still have problems with porn and masturbation but I know now why I do it and what is laying in background.
I know that healing journey is not over for me.
But I've meet some wonderful survivors who's fight is so inspiring, I know that is possible to fully recover, to stop hurting self, to be kind and more carrying to partners/family/friends and to love more self!
Thing that I've learned is that I need to fight and never give up, mo matter on obstacles, problems and difficulties, I have to repeat to myself all time: "healing is possible"
If I’m sad early in the morning
If I’m full with tears during my day
If I’m far away in my thoughts
If I’m troubled with repetition of many fails
If I’m closed for everyone I care
If I’m not enough true man
If I’m always weak to stand alone
If I’m always scared to show my love
If I don’t trust fading in fears
If I’m worrying too many times
If I’m upset by tiniest thing
If I’m lost forever in my deeps
If I’m everything negative that you can think
Notion that every letter has power to heal
Is fact that sometimes I dare to believe
Such irrelevant insight that could be
Equipped with power to change any deal
Glimpse of children’s play in vast field
Even you my friend trying to see
In those moments no matter how weak might be
I just keep repeating words for own survive
No matter how silly those could sound
I’m filled with light from simplest thought:
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT
I'm sending hugs to all of you ((((
))))!
Pero (Igor)
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