You, sir, are a parenting genius. An acquired skill, yes? ;-)

I've debated posting this publicly yet, because it's not a done deal. But I've been in a bit of a funk the past 24 and you guys are my support. A real mixed bag for a variety of reasons. (Some of it plays into that PTSD "foreshortened sense of a future").

In a broad sense, all this CSA sh*t has taken me down a path I'd have never expected. And that's a good thing.

My T referred me to a new doc who I like who isn't an arrogant God's gift. She, in turn, referred me to an HIV meds study so I could get [expensive] updated test results as part of the study. The nice part is that it's in conjunction with a pharm company providing a "quad" HIV med (four meds, one pill once a day). Haven't done antiretrovirals in probably 12 years. Their study is for a more advanced version of the same med. Wholesale cost is about - get this - $30K a year. As part of the study, I would get the meds in perpetuity for free.

I'm a little cautious because my initial blood draw isn't for 2-3 weeks yet and then they have to determine if my levels are "bad" enough to qualify. (I'll post 'em here when I get 'em). But they were pleased, so to speak, I'd just had a second case of shingles! "Oh goodie. You're getting sick more often. You're our kinda guy!" <---not their words, my take. Humor really gets me through rougher days.

Provided it works out, hell, I'm thrilled! I might actually physically feel and function normally. Something I'd long ago given up even considering.

I think what I'm going thru now is consciously acknowledging that, despite the daily push to operate "normally" - and I've done damn well with that - I've nevertheless become sicker in the past year. I've had infections I've never had before and, obviously, repeats of others...for the first time in 20 years. Also discovered I've dropped at least 15 lbs. in the past year, despite decent diet and activity.

Completely irrelevant, but I can't help the comparison. My ex died ten years ago after "only" 15 years of this. I suppose in that sense I'm ahead.

Like I said, a mixed bag. Shingles is healing, only the foot pain now. And it healed faster than before because I knew how to handle it. Doc also suggested prescribed the Acyclovir (1x daily) as a prophylactic instead of the vaccine. Sooo, that's progress.

Maybe I'm just tired of all this sh*t.

Alanis Morissette said it best.....

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

Thank you both for the words. I'm doing better this morning. For one, haven't needed meds for the pain yet today - yay! - and the sensitivity isn't bothering me that much. It's more like, "oh, that's interesting, did I burn myself?" It's been unusual lately for me NOT to feel like shit first thing in the day. Happens only once or twice a week.

I like the "magic", Jeff. Assuming this successfully goes forward - I have no particular reason to believe it won't, knowing my current condition and general info about the study - it seems to me like the circumstances are magic. I don't think anyone could have foreseen a relationship with a T would lead to a doc who'd refer me to a study involving the most advanced treatment for HIV available and that it would cover labs and meds.

I really hate needles and lab draws, but hell, they can do it weekly - or daily - if they like.

Man, tell me there aren't miracles.

Wouldn't THAT be a nice Christmas present!

Aw, crap. Gonna post anyway, whether or not people are tired of hearing it. I'm in need of a serious two-steps-forward-one-step-back vent.

Couldn't resist working the yard today. And a pair of solar security lights from Amazon arrived at the same time...I decided to install them as long as I was outside. Sweat apparently aggravates the remaining sensitive skin areas, tibea and foot. It got considerably worse climbing the ladder. Put another way, I was already screwed when the lights were only half-screwed. When I finished I was miserable with the stinging and put myself to bed for a few hours. Dammit.

Guess I'm off my feet for 24. (And, hell, I was so enjoying having the smiley icon going instead of that green thing).

Lancer -
we even love your green pukey icon!
vent all you want.
Lee

Since I'm off my feet today - yeah, feel a bit better being non-ambulatory - and tethered to the computer:

@Lee...green is my least favorite color but thanks anyway, especially for the "pukey" adjective ;-)

@Jeff...blood draws just for you. I usually embed this stuff, but I'll just post the links since there are some squeamish types like me here.

****TRIGGERING****
First, this is what I usually feel like (turn down speakers):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoFVkG2uR5A

(However, I've made progress. I no longer pass out...much)


Next, this is What I Aspire To Be:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffUdyzHfwaA&feature=related