After I was a victim of CSA I became a rape victim as well. Here is my story:
I was in my eleventh grade year of high school. It was obvious that my mom didnít really pay attention to the attendance portion of my report card; and because I went to a charter school they didnít call home when students were absent. So every now and then I allowed myself a break from school. I decided I was going to spend the day catching up on all my day time television programs and calling the party-line talking to guys. It was customary for me to have company during these days that I ditched school. If it was a new guy that I hadnít met before from the party-line, I would give him the address next door. Everyone worked in my neighborhood and I knew that no one was home. If he gave me a bad vibe and I was disinterested, then I would just peep out the window until he eventually gave up and went away. Otherwise, I would scurry out and meet him. Most guys would later admit that they could understand why I would take such precautions. I was really small in frame and physical stature and being alone in my home with a guy I didnít know wasnít exactly a predicament I wanted to find myself. There had been many stories about guys being murdered and going missing, from such acts, so I tried to be as careful as I could while still fulfilling my lustful desires.
On this particular day, I agreed to meet this guy and followed my normal pattern. He appeared cool so I let him in. He was in his mid-thirties and very attractive. As we talked for a bit he seemed really nice. He started asking me questions about how soon my mother would be home. Because I was a bit uncomfortable, I begin to lie and tell him that my mother and father both lived with me and would be home in an hour. I wasnít sure what he was going to try and do, but I somehow felt safer with him thinking a male could come home soon. All of a sudden his entire personality switched. I tried to pretend like I didnít realize how late it was and acted paranoid that my parents would soon be home. I told him we could meet up another day, while determining in my head that I would never see him again if I could just get him to go away. He stood over top of me while I sat on the bed and grabbed my head and unbuckled his pants. He kept telling me to shut up and to stop talking as he forced me to perform oral sex. I canít really explain how I felt as a surge of thoughts ran through my head. So many emotions fell over me all at once. I was confused and scarred. It was something about the way he held me and the sternness in his voice while commanding me to shut up. He was cursing at me the entire time and calling me all sorts of names. He was making crazed statements...telling me how he hated me. My brain switched to survival mode. I just wanted to do whatever I had to do to get out of the situation. I didnít want my mother to have to come in and he was there and I didnít want him to kill me. There was something about the look in his eyes that made me realize I had really messed up this time. He began requesting that I perform all types of degrading sexual acts. I never had felt so disrespected in my life. He was asking me to do things I would never do in a million years. As I complied, he would still throw me around violently or choke me intermittently, just enough to let me know that he would hurt me. I just wanted to do what I had to for this to end. I didnít even want to cry, despite how embarrassed I was and how degraded and disgusting I felt. I couldnít do anything but lie there.
When he was finished, everything that carried his finger prints or DNA, like the towel and sheets was taken with him. He didnít want me to be able to prove what had happened. He threatened to hurt me if I said anything. To be honest, he really didnít have to make that threat. I wouldnít dare tell anyone the disgusting things he made me do. Still to this day, I canít bring myself to say them aloud. I felt so stupid because I had put myself in that position. And besides, I knew people would assume that he didnít do anything that I wouldnít have let him do because I had been so promiscuous. The truth, however, was that what happened to me that day was definitely not consensual. I canít stress that enough. I immediately empathized with every rape victim I had ever seen on television or heard about from friends. Now, I knew what it was like to have someone make you do something against your will. To be forced into an act and rendered powerless, that is rape.