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#412647 - 10/09/12 08:38 PM Simple quote describing the affects of CSA
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
I was reading the comments in an article about Sandusky being sentenced, and one if them had a simple yet profound description of the affects of CSA. It was:

"They have killed the person I could have been."

How true! frown

This was the article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-...-sex-abuse.html http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-...-sex-abuse.html
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#412651 - 10/09/12 09:23 PM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
I think that line is so true. Abuse of any sort kills or destroys who one can be.

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#412657 - 10/09/12 10:33 PM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
For many or most of us, this includes lost careers, families, relationships, etc. frown
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#412767 - 10/11/12 08:20 AM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
The cost to me is I hate life because I've never had a life and it's because I have always been lonely.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#412775 - 10/11/12 09:51 AM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
My Quote
"They killed the person that I could have been, but I survived, and now I am better than I could ever have dreamed of being."

Never forget that healing is possible and from the ashes so to speak, the phoenix arises.


Heal well all
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#412777 - 10/11/12 10:04 AM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: whome]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Originally Posted By: whome
My Quote
"They killed the person that I could have been, but I survived, and now I am better than I could ever have dreamed of being."

Never forget that healing is possible and from the ashes so to speak, the phoenix arises.


Heal well all
Martin

Martin,
That sounds wonderful, but the reality for me in life is that because of self-loathing and other damage done by abuse, I have never managed to keep any job more than a few months, before I sabotage by quitting. This is not something I currently have control over. It's subconscious and I don't even realize I am doing it, until it's over. I did have one job for 4-1/2 years once, but that is the only one that was very long. I am in my 50's and I have had about 50 jobs since i started working at 15 years of age.

So, the reality is that I have no job, can't get one because of the lousy economy and discrimination against older workers and the fact that I have never made much money nor held a job very long. I refuse to lie on my resume, so I am stuck with what I have done. Not only this, but I have never been married and am soon facing the prospect of being all alone in the world. The simple fact is that I am facing a time in the not-too-distant future where I seriously don't know if/how I will make it.

I can try and be as giddily happy as possible, but the damage is there and I can't positive-think it away. It's like looking at a train wreck and saying, "...but the locomotive is still there and better than it could have ever dreamed of being."


Edited by Undefeated (10/12/12 03:15 AM)
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#412779 - 10/11/12 10:46 AM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
I've been on the other side - I get a job and keep it, even when it doesn't pay well, even when I'm treated like dirt, even when I hate going in - I keep the job. Especially now since I, too, don't know how it would be to find a job at my age. Marriage failing - also facing the prospect of a solitary existence.

I just try to find groups to be involved with - other people doing things I enjoy. One summer it was swimming, once it was needlepoint (before my eyes went). Hard for me to join into groups - but the fear of being alone is a pretty strong driver.

Undefeated - are there hobbies you enjoy that might have groups built around them? Or would that even be a possibility. I know - it's not a close, warm, intimate relationship - but it still beats 100% solitary. At least to me .....
_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#412781 - 10/11/12 11:08 AM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
MarkK,

You do make a good point about having a social life. I am hoping to have someone come live with me, but there are some obstacles to overcome before that can happen. For the time being, I am a caregiver for my mother, so I am not completely alone right now.

The more immediate and important problem is having and keeping employment, in order to survive. I'll probably never see much more than minimum wage again.

Thanks!
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#412788 - 10/11/12 12:23 PM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Sorry Man, I know that my reality cannot be yours and I am extremely grateful for my life, that said, it is the first time that I am grateful for my life.
Two years ago I couldn't have cared if I had lived or died, actually the died part was attractive and an extremely tempting one at that.
My life then was falling apart, on the verge of divorce, business failing, life sucked.
But now it is a different story.

I hope that you too will have the same results from your healing path and journey.
BTW I also changed jobs like underwear, so eventually I started my own, I am not the wealthiest guy in town, but I am my own boss and have been for 13 years. Perhaps you should find what you are good at doing and follow your heart.
In AA we have a saying, Let Go and let God.

Heal well Bro.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#412789 - 10/11/12 12:32 PM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
If you read Sandusky reactions and reporting broadly, there is nearly zero coverage of what Undefeated speaks of...and what I experience. TLD - Total Life Devastation.

I didn't give-up. I crawled up out of the muck. I overcame the only way I could, with $100K worth of cocaine and enough alcohol to fill the Grand Canyon. I then left those tools behind and kept-on with a successful life. When my inner child demanded to be dealt with as I had promised myself back then, I lost everything.

No...society has a tough enough time working with the Normals. It has no tolerance for broken men.
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#412821 - 10/11/12 05:43 PM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
I am beginning to achieve some success in life, but still totally broken inside.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#412867 - 10/12/12 02:15 AM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Whome,

I know exactly what Undefeated means. I still try to keep a positive attitude, but there is reality that has hit me in face a lot especially lately. I'm starting over at 44 years old, hopefully healthy (fingers crossed) and I know I have a very short time to get in good somewhere, and have serious doubts I'll ever be able to retire unless I live to 120. lol Bankruptcy is hurting those chances big-time. White, male, bankrupt, over 40 is shunned in America and the only thing worse is white, male (and female over 50), over 50. frown I'm either overqualified (over 40) or not qualified for jobs I've done and even minimum wage jobs. I apply for everything.

Whome, it's nice you had the ability to afford therapy and had the finances to get a group started. You need to realize many of us have had very few breaks at all. You're fortunate and more power to you, just remember every walk in life is different and none are eqaul. Not all get the luxury of CSA groups and/or a therapist let alone a therapist with CSA expertise (they are expensive here if you live near them). I couldn't even find just a decent general therapist going through $30,000+ and 12 of them. lol



Edited by phoenix321 (10/12/12 02:16 AM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#412870 - 10/12/12 02:49 AM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Guys, I've really just started this train ride through hell called "recovery" and I'm 55 years old. I have some good days, and alot of terrible ones. Its depressing to look back at my life and see how fucked up its been because of what that pedophile did to me. I sometimes wish he had just killed me and spared me the last 42 years.

But I also have a job that gives me some perspective. I'm a nurse and I work with quadraplegics. Total paralysis, unable to move, talk, eat, much less attend to their own personal hygeine. I have two such male patients that are just 21 years old, one thats 26, and one of them is blind as well. They never get out, can't read, tell a joke, or laugh, have a job or an education. They never will know what it is to hold a woman in their arms or make love. But they smile. Despite everything they smile at me. When I feel like my life sucks, I remember their smiles and realize my life could be worse, and there are things I can be thankful for.

When I stay inside my own head I get in trouble. Its a dangerous place to be. When I get outside it and focus on helping someone else, I end up in a much better place. Look for ways to help others. Its good therapy and keeps takes your focus off your problems for a while. It works for me anyways.

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#412877 - 10/12/12 05:42 AM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Wow
Feel guilty about getting better.
All I am trying to do is say that there is hope.

And BTW I did not have the thousands to do therapy, there was no group and the only way I got help in this country was to go onto MS.org. There is now a group in this country because I started it. So all the resources were not available to me.

So if you are implying that I had it easy, don't. It was a long hard battle, one filled with pain and anguish and very very lonely spells because there is no support available.

I appreciate that healing is tough and I am not making light of peoples plight, but remember that healing is possible. "It works if YOU work it, so work it you are worth it" This AA saying was my life for a year and a half, and it is only with the attitude of victory that I overcame 13 years of sexual abuse and 25 years of alcoholism.

Sorry if I came across flippant and uncaring, that was not the intention

Heal well All
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#412905 - 10/12/12 11:24 AM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: whome]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Martin,

Don't feel guilty about your healing. I am happy for you. For each of us, it's hard to fully understand the different set of circumstances and obstacles each will have to face. I just try to be understanding that not everyone can or will understand my plight, nor can I understand everyone else's situation. It's tough when we aren't doing well, and someone else is doing good, but nice if we can be happy for them instead.

Alan
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#412908 - 10/12/12 11:39 AM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Jude]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Jude,

Excellent point! Your post reminds me of the following quote:
Quote:
A day wasted on others is not wasted on one's self.
Charles Dickens
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#412911 - 10/12/12 12:20 PM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Undefeated
Martin,

Don't feel guilty about your healing. I am happy for you. For each of us, it's hard to fully understand the different set of circumstances and obstacles each will have to face. I just try to be understanding that not everyone can or will understand my plight, nor can I understand everyone else's situation. It's tough when we aren't doing well, and someone else is doing good, but nice if we can be happy for them instead.

Alan


Whome, Glad you've had the opportunities. We all fight these things, and, honestly, some of us get sick of hearing "be positive and it'll all work out" routine that marginalizes our suffering saying, "hey, if only you were more positive..." In fact, I found it downright offensive. Have you walked in my shoes? Nope. I'm sick of the war and banging my head up against the wall because I don't know what the fuck to do to make it better. Could I be worse? Yeah, could be. I really don't care because I'd trade the last 40 years for all I got screwed out of and I'll give up an arm for it. Could it be worse? Yeah, but it isn't. Would I trade my lonely, hellish 40 years for something different? Yeah, 99% sure. Perhaps ask one of us obviously having a bad time what the fuck is wrong instead of saying "if you were only more fucking positive!"
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#412916 - 10/12/12 02:39 PM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
This statempent or a paraphase has come up a number of times in my last year of therapy from myself and from other survivors. The loss of innocence, the lack of motivation to be all that one can, the goals that seem too far off to even bother striving for. Indeed the great potential each of us holds was pushed from our minds, left to simply exist in silence and confusion.
_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#412925 - 10/12/12 04:17 PM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: Undefeated]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
I don't care about my childhood or my innocence, CSA stole my adulthood.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#412941 - 10/12/12 07:27 PM Re: Simple quote describing the affects of CSA [Re: cant_remember]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Originally Posted By: cant_remember
I don't care about my childhood or my innocence, CSA stole my adulthood.


I wish I could disagree , but same for me. frown
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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