Hello everyone
I have to vent Its been about 18 mths since all my shit came to the top.PTSD ,drugs ,phycis, and Now as I look back an uncontrolled disclosure to my parents................A bomb went off and I triggered it.....Im still trying to pick up the pieces .what a mess what a blast. Im the one whos mad ,Im the one whos sick ,where did I get all of this rubbish in my head.
I had it all so tightly packed ,so tightly wrapped , no one knew what I hid each day , what i kept down deep.
I wish I had it all back in that vault all wrapped up tight ...because once its out its ugly and raw. its like a wild monster out of control , The price is high , Ive paid a price and have to keep paying ....

ozland

What you describe sounds like my experience also. However, getting all the filthy sick memories in the light has allowed me to slowly get control of the terrible emotions and to gradually heal from them. I had to hang the dirty clothes out on the line where the sunlight could get to them before they could heal. That has stopped my panic attacks and for the most part my flashbacks. They used to be terrible. I have had lots of counseling and help.

Puffer

Ozland,

Hang on! There will be pain and confusion ahead, but there will also come self-understanding, self acceptance, and a growing capacity to experience OTHER emotions, like love and peace. Don't give up. Keep posting because all of us understand and are behind you in this. You WILL make it.

Jude

Mate!

Thanks for sharing - I understand what you mean.

My abuse only came to the surface a couple of months ago and I too had it all tightly wrapped up inside and no one knew my secrets. I often wish I could, like you said, put it all back in the vault. But I think the truth is that CSA is a bit like an acid that eats us from the inside out and the only way to stop it destroying us is to get it out of our hiding places and into the light. I have told my wife and a couple of close friends some stuff and my counsellor nearly everything.

I was about the same age as you were but didn't tell my parents until I was 12 or 13. They didn't take it seriously and did nothing. I have decided not to talk to them about it now. I just can't see them being supportive about it now either. They were broken parents then and still are now. Sometimes I think we just need to accept that we didn't get normal loving parents like other kids - so there is no point expecting them to start acting normal now.

Somedays it feels so fresh and raw that I feel like I will explode but then that passes and I just feel numb again.

Anyway all I wanted to say was thanks for sharing your feelings - it makes me feel less alone in the struggle.

Fellow Aussie

I know these feelings all to well my friend. But it is better that it is out and you can deal with them. I know it doesn't seem like it but it is. It takes guts and a strong person to deal with our issues. We are very strong and very determined to make it.