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#412519 - 10/08/12 09:28 PM My Perp died today
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
... or at least the man who I *suspect* was my perp when I was 5 to 7 and he was in his mid-50s. He died today in his 80s.

And then the Sandusky audio tape on top of it.

Triggered? Oh yes.

I was texting with a family friend who knows my situation. She's one of the good normals, but even she doesn't get it, texted me several times that I needed to "move on" and "put it behind you" and "it's over."

Even she doesn't get it. There's no moving on. There's no getting over it. There's no "it's over."

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#412521 - 10/08/12 09:52 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
I hear you, never over healing is a lifelong process. One of my perps died recently, but that doesn't undo what he did, just guarantees he will never to it to anyone else.

I have yet to find a 'normal' that totally gets it, some try but, I think it's beyond them. Some things you just can't explain, there aren't words to explain it to someone that hasn't been there.

As much as T's will tell you it isn't good for two survivors to be a couple, I'm glad my partner is a survivor, we both get it and, that alone helps us both a lot.

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#412522 - 10/08/12 10:03 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3193
Loc: back in the USA
Oh, ((((((((((((Cant)))))))))))) -

it's so difficult - every time one of those markers comes up.
people expect it to give you "closure" or "resolution" - because he's gone - but for you the s**t he left you with goes on...

i remember when the step-father died, it was such a shock to me. it meant that there never would be a confrontation or accounting. not that i know i'd have confronted him - but at least there was always the possibility - the hope that one day he'd ask forgiveness or at least acknowledge that he'd been hard on me... and then it was too late - impossible - never gonna happen. the loss of that last desperate shred of hope was one of the hardest things i faced - maybe just as bad as the initial abuse. i imagine you are feeling a perfect storm of mixed emotions and conflict right now.

i hope you can take time to fully grieve and process and let out the anger and whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. and now is a good time to lean heavily on anyone who can offer support. we are here for you. PM me if you want to.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#412524 - 10/08/12 10:33 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: traveler]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6704
Loc: USA
Cant

My perp* died last December of congestive heart failure. Actually he had lost his heart long before. I discovered his death by searching with Google in March. I felt a tremendous sense of relief. It was as though there was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. It was an invisible weight I carried sense the abuse and his threats.

What is a "good normal"?

Puffer

* perp when I was at scout camp. Tortured and csa abused me eek


Edited by pufferfish (10/09/12 12:10 AM)

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#412527 - 10/08/12 10:41 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
The only people I can talk to about this are you guys here. No one in my life gets it, even the good normals.

I have no partner. No wife. No one to lean on other than myself and you guys at MS.

I have a T appointment on Thursday. That will be good. I'm starting my 2nd week of Buspar tomorrow. Maybe that will start helping.

Puffer: a "good normal" is a normal person that at least isn't in complete denial of what goes on and its effect on us. It's a pretty low bar, but she is a good one.


Edited by cant_remember (10/08/12 10:44 PM)
Edit Reason: added note to Puffer
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#412530 - 10/08/12 10:47 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
Congratulations! May his death have been slow and horrible.

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#412534 - 10/08/12 11:30 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
ShortedDiode Offline


Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 81
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
I understand where you're coming from. One of my perps died in 2005. I still have mixed feelings on that - nothing's ever simple or clear cut with this, is it?... There's some measure of safety in that there's no more worrying about whether or not I'll run into him, but as Traveler pointed out, that slim chance of hoping for accountability someday vanished forever.

The whole Sandusky fiasco has been rough on probably pretty much everybody here and it's really unfortunate that the timing of it's making bad events like your perp dieing even more difficult to handle...especially since so few people truly understand it...hang in there...
_________________________
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

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#412546 - 10/09/12 01:49 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I totally get what you're talking about.

My perp died almost a year ago. At first I felt nothing. Then relief that he's not out there any more, possibly abusing other children, so I don't have to feel guilty for not even trying to have him convicted any more. But lately, I've been wishing I could stand in front of him and tell him what he did to me and how much I hate him. And I'm also kinda sad, because he was my father, and now I know I'll never be able to have a "dad", even though in my more rational moments I know that he'd never have been "dad" to me anyway.

Its weird. Its screwed up. I tried to explain to my girlfriend the other day, and she didn't even come close to understanding... frown
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#412547 - 10/09/12 01:52 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
I don't know what the appropriate thing to say here would be, but I hope you find a sense of finality and peace in this.

Alan
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#412549 - 10/09/12 02:14 AM . [Re: cant_remember]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:35 PM)

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#412552 - 10/09/12 02:30 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3193
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
At first I felt nothing. Then relief that he's not out there any more, ... But lately, I've been wishing I could stand in front of him and tell him what he did to me and how much I hate him. And I'm also kinda sad, because he was my father, and now I know I'll never be able to have a "dad", even though in my more rational moments I know that he'd never have been "dad" to me anyway.


Gecko - this is me, exactly - except it was a step-dad, not a real father. if it helps any - i totally understand what it feels like!

BTW - i love geckos ever since living in the tropics. i even have a little silver one on a neck chain.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#412563 - 10/09/12 08:36 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
Lifes-a-Dream, Traveler, Gecko, Puffer, etc --

Thanks, guys. I don't know how I feel today. I just know I can't watch TV today because it's going to be wall-to-wall Sandusky. And here in my small town, it's going to be funeral home visitation day for my perp.

Which one of you said that this could end up being an important subconscious milestone? That makes sense. I hope that's true.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#412565 - 10/09/12 09:10 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
peroperic2009 Online   content
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Cant, it must be difficult for you frown
I hope you are not feeling alone in all this. I wish to have some magic wand that could erase all bad that happened to us, unfortunately that is not possible.
Time marches on as Lee said in other thread and we are inevitably moving from our past, I hope.
Hang on brother

((((CR))))

_________________________
My story

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#412567 - 10/09/12 09:19 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1427
mine is still alive--found him several months ago--i have sat in front of his house and in the parking lot where he still serves. it was a conflicting time of mixed emotions. i could not enter the church where he works--fear gripped me. I still do not know if I should confront when part of me is still fighting the feelings that i was special to him. if he was dead, there would be no option, only look forward i guess. it is very disturbing--what will end the torment--confronting him (or would this make it worse seeing his face and probably not hearing an apology), or leaving it the way it is.

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#412573 - 10/09/12 09:46 AM . [Re: cant_remember]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:34 PM)

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#412574 - 10/09/12 09:57 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
Lifes,

Thank you. I don't know how I feel right now.

I have so much to do today and this week that there's no time for a breakdown. I won't have one. I won't. Not this time.

I don't feel alone when I have my brothers at MS to talk to. My new T is OK but I don't think he gets it either.

Without MS, I would be completely lost. It's the only place where I fit in. You guys mean so much to me.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#412580 - 10/09/12 10:50 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
For many of us, this truly is the only place we can go where we'll be understood.

Even with the people in my life who I have told, when the really bad days hit, this is where I come, because no one else gets it.

Take care of you. I'm triggered over the sentencing etc as well and I'm struggling between work and following the news..... need to stop following the news....!

Hang in there.

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#412583 - 10/09/12 11:01 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I am going to write my perps , one my uncle and one my babysitters son, and tell them just what damage they caused and let them know thy I forgive them but will never forget. I am going to go into great detail. I should do this before they pass tho. I want them to know that I know. The old me would just go pound their heads into the ground with a ball bat or the heal of my boot. They are lucky I am saved.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#412593 - 10/09/12 12:13 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
My "T" informed me that, "You" have the power now. After all these years...

When he contacted me, I had nothing to say. I let him die in his shame.

I "get" that you might have mixed emotions over this. I "get" that it is not all black and white.

In the end, I hope you find peace and comfort in his passing...


In The End (Linkin Park)

island
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#412600 - 10/09/12 12:56 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 836
Loc: southern California
Yea, I hear ya, CR. As frustrating as it is to hear the words, most people deliver insulting platitudes when they're trying to encourage and comfort us. They don't know any better.

I suppose it underscores the importance of us (survivors) educating the public on the matter.

The perp that assaulted me and my sister (our father) turns 90 in 3 months. Reading your post I am certainly staring at what the future holds for me, and many other survivors, as well.
_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#412604 - 10/09/12 01:04 PM * [Re: cant_remember]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:27 PM)

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#412612 - 10/09/12 02:40 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I'll go with Gecko on this one. My perp died in 1999, well before I started dealing with this. He'd be 88 now. I'm relieved he's gone, apparently died isolated from most of his family, and won't harm anyone else.

FWIW, his demise did spur me on to dig deeper, as Gary did, with the institutions involved. I could have let it go. I didn't. Since I'm having a relatively good day today, despite Sandusky, I can now say I'm glad I'm pursuing this. It's become apparent that, in spite of their official positions/policies, much of the same institutional sweep-it-under-the-rug mindset still exists 40 years later.

What I can do as an adult for kids who may find themselves in the same position today is be the adult I needed to help me, but who wasn't there.

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#412740 - 10/10/12 11:21 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
Thanks, everybody.

Love the support here, and don't know what I would do without it.

I'm surviving.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#412742 - 10/10/12 11:26 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3193
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: cant_remember

I'm surviving.


you are, indeed. that is what has brought you this far. and it will take you farther yet. but sometimes it is all we can expect.

hang on until the storm passes. we are all here together.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#412823 - 10/11/12 05:47 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
My session with my T today was mostly crying and breathing exercises. Feeling pretty zombified right now.

I assured him I wasn't suicidal (and I'm not)... but I also know this pain only ends with death. At least that's the way it feels now.

Life is pain is life is pain.


Edited by cant_remember (10/11/12 05:52 PM)
Edit Reason: clarity
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#412824 - 10/11/12 05:58 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Can't,

You're not alone brother. We're here for you 10,000 strong.

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#412827 - 10/11/12 06:14 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 121
Loc: California
Oh Cant,

My heart goes out to you. This is impossible for me to understand, except that it must be wrenching, and take you right into your pain.

Does it seem like that horrible person placed a burden on you to feel connected to him through his abuse? We are always being raped.

Keep in mind, in your struggles, that despite his abuse, YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON.

That perp who abused you never was and never can be.

I'll be thinking about you my friend.

Geoff

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#412904 - 10/12/12 11:09 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997

Today feels better. Still not focused on work, but not in crisis at the moment.

Skipped watching the VP debate last night to avoid stress. Had a few beers at a bar with a friend and a acoustic band on stage with the Yankees game on...
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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