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#41241 - 02/07/03 08:40 PM I'm confused.
Kieran1 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 33
Loc: Canada
Now that I have overcome the first hurdle, I guess I now have to deal with many more parts of my abuse.There are feelings of doubt,shame,disgust,and also those issues of how did it happen? I have received such excellent support from all the brothers here,but need help understanding and sorting all these feelings out.I have divulged my sexual abuse to my wife which was such an uplifting moment.I need to sort out a lot of very disturbing things.You know I heard that pedophiles stalk their victims,and that they choose boys that are naive,trusting,respect authority. When I hear that, I can see myself reflected in all those things. He chose me for those reasons,I know.After each abusive episode, I felt so disgusted with myself,because I had enjoyed it,though I guess only in the physical response?He probably knew I would,creating in me feelings that I had never really felt.How can a 12 year old understand all that? How can I still sort it out? I can't help at times think that I must have made myself vulnerable by saying things after the sex that I liked it.Thats such a horrible thought. I cannot believe that I said that.Honestly I don't remember that part.His inital fondling progressing to masturbation,and oral sex,must have seemed to me the natural progression to sex.Please God, I hope I didn't think that was normal.Right at this moment I feel I am beginning to open up a more complex puzzle that I ever thought possible.This is so complicated,the thoughts so jumbled,I feel so overwhelmed today.Do I start from the present and work backwards or begin with my early childhood and try to analyze myself?How did the abuse affect my sexuality afterwards? What has happened to other guys? I have never looked at myself in that light.Heavy stuff right now.


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#41242 - 02/07/03 09:11 PM Re: I'm confused.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kieran
so many questions, so many doubts and fears, so many new emotions and so much to figure out.
It's no wonder you feel overwhelmed, and you will for a while to come. Thankfully you have your support.

Deal with the questions as they arise, one will lead to another. And if something gets to be too much just move along or go back. Go with the flow and remember to be true to yourself. Stop sometimes and reflect.

But the one thing you must always do is believe that it wasn't your fault, nothing about what happened was your fault. Your young body reacted in a purely physical way, and your young mind was influenced by the abusers sick mind.

Quote:
Please God, I hope I didn't think that was normal.
the abuse wasn't normal, your body was.

I feel so proud of you, recovery is as hard as hell that's a fact. But you've done the hardest bit already.
Your questions will be answered by an expert, you will answer them for yourself, and that way you'll know the answers are the truth.
I hope we can help you find the answers though.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#41243 - 02/07/03 11:19 PM Re: I'm confused.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Kieran: Pandora's Box is open. Thank god never to be closed again. Dave was right. Dont let it overwhelm you. It has been bottled up for so long. Kind of like being is a whirlwind. Just steady yourself with the help of your great wife and work it one thing at a time. Always remember that as you deal with issues you heal a little bit at a time. You will go through fear, anger and yes rage. You are right about one thing. Sure it felt good. We are sexual animals but your perp exercised power and control and believe me he encouraged you to believe that it felt good and he was only giving you what you wanted. When you believe that he is safe. God they are so manipulative. You were 12 for Gods sake. I do ask you one thing as you travel down this road. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve it. You will start to see the man your wife fell in love with.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#41244 - 02/07/03 11:21 PM Re: I'm confused.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Kieran: Pandora's Box is open. Thank god never to be closed again. Dave was right. Dont let it overwhelm you. It has been bottled up for so long. Kind of like being is a whirlwind. Just steady yourself with the help of your great wife and work it one thing at a time. Always remember that as you deal with issues you heal a little bit at a time. You will go through fear, anger and yes rage. You are right about one thing. Sure it felt good. We are sexual animals but your perp exercised power and control and believe me he encouraged you to believe that it felt good and he was only giving you what you wanted. When you believe that he is safe. God they are so manipulative. You were 12 for Gods sake. I do ask you one thing as you travel down this road. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve it. You will start to see the man your wife fell in love with.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#41245 - 02/08/03 03:02 PM Re: I'm confused.
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
HOW CAN IT NOT OVERWHELM YOU???????????????? i started facing my demons 2 years ago and i am still completely overhelmed by denial, self-hatred, shame, fear and disgust with myself...how can you really believe it was not your fault???? i know some of my preoccupation with self-hatred is fostered by my magical thinking, that i cause everything evil in my world and sometimes in the world in general.....I'M STARTING TO BELIEVE THIS TORMENT AND CONFUSION IS NEVER-ENDING.....i so wish i would have just died when i attempted suicide instead of being hospitalized and opening up pandora's box, because you are correct it cannot be closed now.....but i'm really uncertain if i can live with what i have found and still will find inside the box....DENIAL WAS SO MUCH SAFER for my mental stability....i have been so loose mentally the past 2 years and have been hospitalized 4 times and yesterday my therapist was close to putting me back in the hospital...she asked me over and over if i could keep myself safe and call the suicide line if things got bad....i lied and told her i would, but going back to the hospital is not an option, what good does it do??????? all of these issues are still there....i still despise myself for letting those things happen and not forcing him to kill me.....i so wish he would have just slit my throat........

You mention having a family that loves you, but you hate them because they did not protect you....my mother is incapable of loving anybody but herself, but i blame her so much more than i do my uncle because she was so engulfed in her own problems with my father that she ignored many signs of my abuse....she never put me first in any decision of her life....then i finally tell her about the abuse and her response is "i'll call your uncle and ask him".....he most certainly is going to admit to sexually abusing me...of raping me......i'll never be able to forgive her because of that response......it sounds like at least your parents do care for you, i understand the anger all too well, but realize how lucky you are to at least know that somebody loves you.......

i'm sorry i do not have encouraging things to say today, i wish i could be of more help/comfort to you, but i feel so much like you do i cannot be of much help.....just hang in there and appreciate that you have people in your life that care about you....i so wish i had that support system in my life....michael


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#41246 - 02/08/03 06:00 PM Re: I'm confused.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Michaelb. You do have that support system. It is right here. Yeh I know it can overwhelm you but think a bit. To go through the rest of your life crippled by what that bastard did to you is not really an option. For that matter neither is suicide. I know cause I have tried it 3 times. If we stay crippled or check out. THAT SON OF A BITCH WINS & I will not let that happen. Bad enough that they screw us up but to force us into a permanent solution to a temporary problem is the ULTIMATE WIN for HIMMMM.
I have worth other than as a sex toy that was humiliated abused and tortured. And I keep telling myself that.
Mike when it all comes at you too fast hold up your hand and say wait. I want to deal with one thing at a time. That puts you in control.
From what you say your mother has big problems. Remeber they are hers and not yours. I would sit down and write that dear uncle a letter and tell him I have not quite figured out how to deal with what he did. Tell all his friends and family or go to the police. But I sure as hell am going to do one of them. Let the BASTART squirm. I had a good friend who did that. Just writing the letter made him feel good. It took him six months to mail it but he finally did and sent it by registered mail. His perp has been trying desparately to contact him and my buddy ignores him. We talk about it and he says he has nver felt better about anything in his life. He will probably go to the POLICE when he is ready. In the meantime he is totally in control. He also told me that the feeling of being owerwhelmed by it all receded. Let me know what you think. Your brother Mike Church signing off.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#41247 - 02/09/03 07:55 AM Re: I'm confused.
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Dear Michael,
You have a support system here. I am here to support you. So are the other Brothers on this board. We share your pain and guilt because we share common ground histories of having been sexually abused. I was continually stripped of clothing and fondled when I was 4-5 by a neighborhood man, then I was forced against my will to have sex on many occasions at 8-12 by an adolescent female cousin, again at 14 I was painfully raped by a stranger, a door-to-door salesman, who seduced me into a sexual situation. Thus, we are all Brothers here. And we support each other. Remember, Michael, you are NOT responsible for the abuse, regardless of whatever magical philosophy you may have of causing everything that goes wrong in the world. I believe that mode of thinking is also a by-product of the abuse perpetrated upon you. You did NOT ask the perpetrator to abuse you. He chose you because he was a coward and you were a vulnerable child. You could NOT control him or the situation. I know we like to think sometimes that we were in control, but it was impossible for you to control him. He was acting out his own awful abusive>

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#41248 - 02/09/03 12:00 PM Re: I'm confused.
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
mikechurch, I love the idea of writing the perp a letter and telling him you are considering two options. Totally diabolical. Awesome. Peace,Andrew


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#41249 - 02/10/03 12:32 AM Re: I'm confused.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Andrew: Yeh it is isn't it. Just thinking about it makes me excited( and for once not getting an erection over excitement). Oh the sweet smell of it. You can feel the sweat and fear that this big brave asshole coward has for his own sweet skin and safety. And if he goes down think of what could happen to him when he is in jail or when his friends all know about him. OH GOD SWEET JUSTICE. And the best part is WE JUST HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH. MAN OH MAN!!!!

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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