Oh HD, I was so there. Suffering as a karmic debt
Some people operate from a place of guilt and some from a place of shame. Most often, opposites attract for obvious reasons. Those of us willing to carry the guilt, often become very codependent to people who are running from their shame. It is a dance.
If you extract yourself, release some of your guilt, find and connect to your essence, your needs, your dreams - you will be a happier person. And...(This one is hard to hear)... he will either learn the new dance or he will go. And if he goes, it will no longer matter to you.
I remember the first time someone said that to me - around the same time I couldn't bring myself to connect to the book - I almost had a nervous breakdown. I think I cried for days. He will go???? What? I have to stop that. I have to do everything in my power to keep that from happening. This was all my flawed thinking.
I love my husband very much. But I love me more. I will not enable or even bear witness to destructive behavior anymore. I no longer feel guilty for things I have done. They were part of my journey, necessary pieces that made today possible.