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#412376 - 10/06/12 11:53 PM Causing others pain - intentional?
love Offline

Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37

I'm in pain with a situation that's gone on for a long time. It is technically over now and I'm pretty busy with positive things that will be moving me forward in the direction I want to go in yet I am exhausted and feel beaten up emotionally. I am confused. I am angry... Rageful. I am screaming inside and all of this is towards the man I've loved. The survivor who is hurtful.. Maybe unintentionally due to his own issues. Or maybe subconsciously does want to cause others pain. Either way, this situation has already come inside of me nesting in my body, in my psyche and I'm very sad.. I can literally feel it in my body and I'm consumed by a lot of the time no matter how productive I am with other things. There has never been a resolution, clearity, a chance for peace, a chance for us to fu*king breath. Just a roller coaster ride of insanity. The insanity is technically over but I've been left with the debris and I don't know how to heal. I am torn with so many different mixed feelings and am trying to clear this confusion for my own peace of mind and am hoping posting here will help over time.

My mind has been entertaining many thoughts lately and if anyone has any experience with this, please do share. Do survivors have a need to hurt other people so they could turn around and prove themselves they are not good/good enough etc? Will they hurt others, especially the person that had been the closest to them just to feed or confirm their own self loathing?

#412392 - 10/07/12 09:28 AM Re: Causing others pain - intentional? [Re: love]
Ginger37 Offline

Registered: 09/30/12
Posts: 11

I am so sorry that you feel this way, and I want you to know that you have every right to be upset, and angry, and sad. Its natural.

Someone you love, outside of his history, abuse, etc, has been hurting you. One thing that I have learned by being here, is that even though he is hurting from his CSA, it doesn't mean he has the right to hurt you.

I know exactly how you feel. Its not an easy situation to deal with at all. If your partner has not started getting help, perhaps you should go and get some help of your own. A support group, a counselor, a preacher, someone who is going to hear you out and give you just support. Your feelings are not wrong, nor should they be discredited or discounted.

I am on the same roller coaster ride, and it sucks. You heal by grieving the loss of your relationship, letting go of what you can't control, and realizing that choices are simply that. Choices.

I don't know if survivors have a need to hurt, as in intentionally, or if its one of those things of hurting those they love, then saying BUT... THIS happened to me. Maybe they feel the need to hurt and push someone away, before that someone can hurt them. I wish I knew. It would make this process alot easier that is for certain.

Best of luck and keep posting. Don't let this consume you. You have to be strong for you.

#412401 - 10/07/12 12:21 PM Re: Causing others pain - intentional? [Re: love]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 2336
I think our goal is to hurt ourselves and anyone ancillary will be impacted but that is not our objective. We tend to look at ourselves as damaged good, deserving of nothing good in our lives. Those around us do not understand how we react to the memories, the pain and to their actions-to them they may not be seen as harmful but to us--once captive and forced to to do things that we did not understand--these actions open the old wounds. The survivor and supporters need help to heal.

#412420 - 10/07/12 04:32 PM Re: Causing others pain - intentional? [Re: love]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Love

No No No, most, and I stress, most survivors do not want to hurt others, it is the fact that our minds are so damaged that we do not know what we want and do not understand that we hurt others.

I, for instance, would not dream of hurting a child, this is something that would never enter my mind. I would never hurt a child because of the pain that I had endured, but I only understood the physical sort of hurt, and I ended up, unintentionally, hurting my daughter emotionally.
It broke my heart when I got better and saw the fear that I had caused in her young life.

No Love, most of us do not intentionally hurt others, but unfortunately end up doing just that.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#412437 - 10/07/12 10:26 PM Re: Causing others pain - intentional? [Re: love]
love Offline

Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37
Ginger, we are not together at this moment in time. He started a group earlier this year, however, that group was not geared towards male survivors of sexual abuse. He spoke highly of it for awhile and said it was helping him then admitted that while it helped him in many ways, he needed something else like therapy. Last we spoke, he had said he has a long way to go, but he hadn't felt as much peace as he does now and that he also knows himself and what he wants most, now. He said he would get into therapy and often spoke of his desire to heal and be the best man he could be. I believe in him. He has a beautiful heart and spirit I know this. Yet, I am torn between love and borderline hate for all that he's pulled - for not being heard, treated with love and respect and my heart not handled with care. And it is not that he made a mistake here and there, it is the same repetitive actions he knows will inflict pain, resentment, and break the trust. He expects his bounderies to be respected, yet he selfishly has crossed mine - has disappeared and left me with the mess of everything to handle.

What do you mean by the same roller coaster ride? How do you handle it?

#412438 - 10/07/12 10:31 PM Re: Causing others pain - intentional? [Re: KMCINVA]
love Offline

Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37
Originally Posted By: KMCINVA
I think our goal is to hurt ourselves and anyone ancillary will be impacted but that is not our objective. We tend to look at ourselves as damaged good, deserving of nothing good in our lives.

He had self hatered for a very long time and very strongly the past few years.
Most recently, he has come to a point (or so he says) where he wants to protect the little boy within. He repeatedly would mention how he isn't a bad guy and is starting to really like himself. He said he had hope and saw himself at peace in the future. I asked him if he was pulling all of this because of feeling like he didn't deserve anything good, didn't deserve love and his response was no.

#412443 - 10/07/12 10:52 PM Re: Causing others pain - intentional? [Re: love]
love Offline

Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37
Whome, I look forward to reading your posts anytime I browse the forum. I am sorry that pain took place between you and your daughter. The progress you make and share with us gives me hope and lights my heart. Thank you for sharing with us.

He too would never hurt a child or an animal and would feel horrible if it ever were to accidently happened. He is so gentle and loveing with children and animals, it endears me. I miss that gentle, soft, sensitive, caring, compassionate man. Then with a flip of a switch, he does things that are cold and hurtful.. Things that make me want to run and hide. Things that make me fear him. Things that make me want to shut my heart off to him. Then he comes back into my life and feels terrible for hurting me, gets very emotional about it, wants to make peace and amends, only to repeat the same actions he knows will harm. He has said he doesn't ever want to hurt me again and so he keeps a distance yet pulls the same behaviour. I do not understand this. It is insanity.

Is this self punishment? I guess that is where I was coming from when posting my question. By subconsciously hurting me, it causes him to hate himself even more, confirming any negative self views even though he now says he really likes himself and isn't a bad guy.

#412444 - 10/07/12 10:54 PM Re: Causing others pain - intentional? [Re: love]
Ginger37 Offline

Registered: 09/30/12
Posts: 11

My boyfriend of 4 years is a survivor of CSA. We have gone through alot of things in these four years, from instability, insecurity, no trust, no boundaries. He has repeatedly done the same form of acting out, which is to seek out the attentions online of other women and become involved with them.

We go through a cycle about every 3 to 6 months, he gets stressed out, (even though there have been plenty of times that he was not and was doing this anyway, I know now as a coping mechanism for things that he was feeling and going through that he kept locked inside) and next thing you know, he's online cruising for chicks. I catch him, we have a big blow up, then next thing you know he's sorry and we're in love again. I've perpetuated this cycle just as much as he has. Then it happens all over again.

We've rarely had an I guess what you would call "normal" relationship. Its constant up and down, up and down.

He's finally going to go and get some help, and unfortunately for us this means he is going to be leaving to go to his mothers house to stay while he can get some help and get on the right path.

So I know what you are going through. I want to clarify its not just the infidelity that gets to me. Its the insecurity. Its the instability. Never knowing what to do or say. Never knowing whats going to trigger him. I truly believe that this last time if I hadnt told him it was over unless he gets help that he wouldnt have even started down this path of healing.

I could've written your post up there. I am tired of not being treated with respect, I am tired of him NOT acknowledging my hurt and pain that he caused. I am tired of the roller coaster ride of emotions, and the constant worry and looking over my shoulder to see whats going to hit me next. I am now going to have to be responsible for our household, our bills, our everything.

You just don't know how exactly I could've written your post. He IS a beautiful spirit, and a wonderful person, and a great dad. And I know deep down in there somewhere is someone who is wonderful. I see him shining through. I saw him when we met. I saw him as we dated.

Then I lost track of that beautiful man. The beauty and love I thought we had just all feels like a huge facade.

So to answer your question as to how do I deal?

Not very freaking well it seems sometimes. smile


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