So I'm having a rough time getting "back into the game" as it were. I'm currently bouncing back between two possible partners and Have no idea what to do. Neither relationship has been anything beyond a physical gratification of both parties. My last relationship ended exceeding poorly because i focused on the fire works more than the future. Now I'm at an impasse. Do I try for the one who is close to me yet treats me like shit until it comes time for getting laid. Or do I try to see a new flame that resembles most of the relationships i've had before hoping this time it will be different. I'm drawn between satisfying the carnal desires i still have every day and finding someone who i can spend the day with not just the night. My solidarity has become a hurdle i need to jump but i also have feel the need now for companionship and togetherness. Al in all I'm just confused and not sure what i should do or, more importanty, what i WILL do.

Sorry i posted this in the wrong forum if an admin could move it to male survivors header instead of millitary thanks.

Hey Treehugger
I hope mods will move your post, maybe you should contact mods directly, by hitting notify and writing to move it?
But to get back to your question, you are caught in some dilemma
I would always chose relationship that offers more than physical attraction, but that is me and those are my needs
Spending morning and day in company of partner is my dream. It seems like you need that also, so I wonder why you are valuating between these two at all ?
You are tree hugger, please give your self also the warmest hug and than ask yourself what do you need from all of this. I'm sure that you have your answer already in your heart.
Not sure if I helped you, but I hope some other guys will also jump in!
Take care of yourself

Pero

"Do I try for the one who is close to me yet treats me like shit until it comes time for getting laid. Or do I try to see a new flame that resembles most of the relationships i've had before hoping this time it will be different."

Hi Treehugger,

What a quandary to have! I am wondering the same thing Pero is wondering, though. Why would you choose either? Neither of them sound like quality people who would help you get your needs met.

Pero asks a great question, too. What ARE your needs? I think it's an insightful question, because I think it gets at the root of a lot of our dysfunctional relationships. Most of us who are survivors of sexual abuse have a hard time even knowing what our needs are. And because our needs aren't being met, we resort to coping mechanisms (numbing/using/harming). Pursuing unhealthy relationships is often a coping mechanism used by survivors.

I hope all that made sense. This is the 'main banquet' of abuse and recovery right here, I think. Coming to know that we have needs, and that we are responsible for finding healthy ways to get them met.

You deserve better quality people in your life than 'someone who treats you like shit', and you deserve to have a quality relationship in which you are valued for who you are.

D

I guess my low self esteem keeps me from actively seeking out mutually beneficial partners. My relationships have always been rocky. My problem is i throw my self into my relationships way to fast and then am left holding the bag as i am now. Dealing with the reppercussions of poor and hastily made decisions. Alot of the time based on immediate physical gratification. After placating that side of me I'm left feeling hollow with most partners as i neglect to find a whole package and rely on one small overlap in interststhat tkaes things to a physical encounter. I then substitute said physicallity for emotiional attachment and sometimes even geograpical closeness. Haveing meaningless one night stands or year long slowly deteriorating ones. I guess thats the choice I have now. Should i pick between the two evils or try and find an option C. So far answer C has 2 votes.....
Thanks guys

I hope some extra quality C option would emerge from nowhere and surprise you very soon.
You are great guy who deserves only the best

Pero

I hope so too. Being alone seems worse sometimes than being with someone who brings you down. Still have my fingers crossed for an option C

I would like to chime in on this one. I have been asking myself some of these questions. I guess I knew what I was going to find. I have been seeking sexual gratification as a way to replace actual intimacy.

I have been working to re-wire brain, and lately a different set of thoughts have begun to emerge. I find myself saying "it would be nice to have someone to hold, or someone to spend time with". These thoughts are new to me. I have never really considered relationships this way. It's mostly been about the physical aspects, but now my focus has shifted to something more whole.

The attraction serves as a lead in to get to know someone more fully. Before, it was he/she is attractive I really want to get off now. That is changing...slowly. But I am weary about getting into a relationship to alleviate loneliness. I feel it necessary to be able to keep my own company during times of loneliness. I want to be able to tolerate myself before asking someone else to tolerate me. Just my thoughts.

Heal well brother.

Daniel,

"I want to be able to tolerate myself before asking someone else to tolerate me"
Hmmm I fyou had have posted that in the beginning i could have saved alot of typing. That statement hit the bullseye!