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#412302 - 10/06/12 12:15 AM Wedding Anniversary
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Tommorrow is my 33rd wedding anniversary and I am reflecting on the mess I've made of my life and the damage I've done to a poor girl from the country who's only fault was falling in love with me. We were 19 when we met. I had isolated myself completely since I was abused at 13. I wasn't looking for a relationship. Sex was the only selfish use I had for girls, and not that many had made themselves available. But I was not half bad looking and I could be charming if I thought it would get me somewhere. I got what I wanted and we began seeing eachother regularly. I kept all my secrets from her: drinking, drug use, compulsive sex, my Bi-polar and OCD symptoms, and of course my CSA. I would not let her get too close to me, hated intimacy unless it led to sex, and strung her along for three years. When we were 21, she insisted something wasn't right with me and that I go see a therapist or she would shut me off. I agreed and went. The therapist was a joke, I didn't tell him a thing, and I never went back. We seperated, got back together, moved in together and eventually she convinced me that marraige would be good for me. Maybe she thought it would fix me. It didn't. We got married at 22, in a pasture with mountains in the backround. It was a beautiful scene. I got drunk and pretty much blew the day off, but it was my wedding so noone criticized me.

Then I started the cycle of not showing up when I was supposed to. Not calling. Working late. Always an excuse. Always the secrets. We fought. She stuck with me. She thought having a baby would be a good idea. I went along. Again maybe she thought that would fix me. It didn't. 10 children later I was still the same asshole.

But I had a good career, made good money, a nice house and cars, and the family to go with it. From the outside everything looked great. Inside I was a gold plated phony, desperate to keep my secrets at all costs. My wife kept trying to get closer to me, to make our marriage work. Tried to get me to get help. I told her it was HER who had the problem and I was fine. If she would just leave me the hell alone everything would be okay. I was rude, uncaring, sometimes cruel. Demanded sex and didn't care how she felt about it. Was unfaithful too many times to count. She stuck with me.

Eventually the drinking got to be too much to hide. I was exposed. I stopped drinking, went to AA and got sober. But that didn't fix me. I still had all my other secrets. But without the alcohol to prop me up, everything fell apart. My Bi-polar and OCD symptoms went wild. I couldn't hide them anymore. Another secret exposed. I spent time in a Psych ward. Got on Psych meds, and started therapy. That didn't fix me. I still held onto my remaining secrets like they were gold.

After 15 years of sobriety, forcing myself to be faithful to my marriage, and ten years of pointless therapy, I was still the same selfish, angry prick. But along the way I had lost the job, the house, the cars, and was about to lose the wife and family. At this point there was no love between us, no sex, seperate beds, and she just barely could tolerate me.

One night last summer, while at work, I experiences a panic attack where all the memories of being sexually abused came flooding back. It was all I could do to get through the night. It took a few weeks but I worked up the courage to tell all this to my therapist. So many things made sense suddenly, and all the anger, fear and self-hatred were exposed. I even confessed my infidelities to him, but tried to make it seem like they were with women. It took a few more weeks before I could tell him they were all men. I was filled with so much shame about eveything. I kept all this hidden from my wife, and since we didn't talk much anyway, nothing seemed wrong.

Finally I told her everything except about the other men. My therapist told me it would be best to let that be. It didn't go well. She thought this was just another one of my excuses for not caring about her. I was ready to leave. Why she had put up with me for all those years was beyond me, but I was going to make the break and let her start over without me.

But somthing happened. She saw me in one of my panic attacks/flashbacks, crying and screaming in pain, and she believed me and she softened. We talked about it honestly. I confessed all my wrongs against her. I started to make amends to her as best as I was able. She became willing to work on our marraige with me. I promised no more lies, no more secrets. I am trying to become a real man now. I'm trying to learn how to love a woman for the first time. I don't want to be stuck emotionally at age 13, or selfish, or angry. Most days I don't hate myself anymore. It still may not work out. So many years of pain I inflicted on her. I can't take it back or make that up to her. All I can do is try to do the next right thing every day, and trust God to do the rest.

You younger men on MS, do the work now to recover. Become a whole healthy man now. Don't keep your secrets for years like I did. I promise you if you deal with your issues now, you will have an opportunity for a lifetime of love and happiness ahead of you. I have only regrets now.

Jude

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#412313 - 10/06/12 02:37 AM Re: Wedding Anniversary [Re: Jude]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi G,
wow what a powerful and honest story about you and your marriage. Thanks for sharing with us. I'm aware how difficult and terrible must be to fight with own demons and to do cause some damage to those who care the most frown
But man you two deserve some celebrating for your marriage, no matter on huge obstacles, uncertainties, guilt and pain. You two deserve some acknowledgment for trying so hard, you both invested so much in your relationship, I hope and pray for some peaceful and loving days that are approaching.
Your words are very inspiring for me, it brought me thoughts on breaking whit past and turning to present and future, that is healing I'm almost trusty smile :
Originally Posted By: Jude
All I can do is try to do the next right thing every day, and trust God to do the rest.

There is said so much, follow your heart further to that path.
I wish you happy 33rd anniversary smile

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#412321 - 10/06/12 05:41 AM Re: Wedding Anniversary [Re: Jude]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hey Jude

Congrats on the 33 years. Sometimes I feel that our wives deserve a mulligan on life, a do over on life, and all this because of some perverted bastard that thought he had the right to use us as a play thing when we were defenseless kids.

Jude there is one thing that I agree with and that is Honesty, 100%. Lies, our entire lives have been lies, so all we can give back to our partners now is Honesty.

Spoil her rotten man, she deserves it.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#412322 - 10/06/12 05:47 AM Re: Wedding Anniversary [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
Jude -

i really respect you for telling your story with no excuses and for trying to work on the marriage. sounds like an amazing woman you lucked into. you are both survivors. congratulations and all the best wishes for the next however many years you've got left!

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#412328 - 10/06/12 08:46 AM Re: Wedding Anniversary [Re: Jude]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Jude ,

You obviously have a wonderful wife standing by your side. Congratulations on 33 years of marraige!!!! I wish you all the best in your quest to make the next 33 count through recovery....

-Jay-
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#412330 - 10/06/12 08:54 AM Re: Wedding Anniversary [Re: Jude]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1552
Jude

You truly have a wonderful wife. I bet she also encouraged the children to understand what happened to you and reminded them you were still there father no matter what had happened. I am glad to see she is willing to work on herself, you and the marriage. As was said continue to be honest with her and yourself. Like you I am learning I can be loved for me and not for the acts of the abuse--because those acts are not love--only took me all these years to realize the bastard did not love me nor what he did to me was love. I am beginning to believe I deserve to be loved--and I see you have a wonderful woman at your side to help you realize and accept this love.

Congratulations and keep moving ahead.

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#412367 - 10/06/12 09:18 PM Re: Wedding Anniversary [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Guys, thanks for the comments. Everytime I expose my "inner scumbag" here I'm afraid of being shot down. Thanks for not doing that.

What I wanted most of all was for my story to be a warning to men in all stages of recovery: DON'T FOLLOW MY TOXIC PATH. Every life you touch is affected by your CSA. Even if you don't care much about your own recovery, you can do great damage to innocent people by keeping it a secret and not dealing with it.

Do whatever you have to to get healthy and whole. Don't give up, even when it hurts like hell. You owe yourself, and those around you, this gift.

When you are on your deathbed, looking back over your life, you will not take satisfaction in how many times you got laid, or how drunk and high you got, or how much money you made, or how you fooled everyone into believing you were some kind of saint. It will be how honest, and how well you loved, and were loved by others, that will allow you to go to rest in peace.

BTW, I showed up at 7AM, after working all night, with flowers and gourmet chocolate. Tomorrow after I get a few hours of sleep I'm taking her to lunch and then going canoeing.
Jude


Edited by Jude (10/06/12 09:44 PM)
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#412389 - 10/07/12 07:27 AM Re: Wedding Anniversary [Re: Jude]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey man, thanks for update, I'm more than happy to know that you and your wife would have some nice time, you both deserve it smile
We got your message about taking some action now and not waiting for tomorrow, thank you smile
But I would add that your message is evidence how far you are form some toxic path, I hope you are aware of that. Please don't be so hard on yourself smile
Cheers!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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