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#412299 - 10/05/12 10:37 PM Need Advice Again
charlesxy Offline


Registered: 06/09/12
Posts: 30
Hi,

I posted this before, but I feel the need to post again. Perhaps I will gain a new perspective:

I am in my 30s, single, never married, no kids.

I remember being sexually abused by a neighbor when I was vey young: youngest I could have been was 4, the oldest 6.

I do not recall the exact dates or age or how many times it happened. However, I am quite certain it happened and it happened more than once.

I do not recall that intercourse or oral sex was a part of it. What I remember was being tricked into performing masturbation on the neighbor and that he then kissed me with his tongue in my mouth. I remember these details graphically and explicitly.

I have no idea what happened to this neighbor and I never told my parents. At the time, I had no idea what was sex or sexual acts were. It was only until I grew older that I realized I had been used as a sexual toy.

If I remember these things, but it happened when I was so young, does anyone here think there is any chance I imagined it?

I have been thinking abou this lately because my parents are old and if the abuse really happened, this is my last chance to get some answers to some questions, such as: why was I left in this neighbor's family's care? what is the last name of this neighbor (though admittedly, I am not sure what I would do with such information. If I take revenge, I will end up going to jail rather than the abuser and the abuser is certainly not worth jail time. However, I am concerned the abuser may be working around children.) How many times was I left in the neighbor's care?

I don't know if I should even bring this up to my parents since I can't see there being a way to introduce the issue without causing pain for both my parents and me.

I am particularly concerned that they will not believe me and try to tell me that I was never left with the abuser alone since that would be tantamount to contributing to the abuse.

However, I hate keep this bottled up and I am likewise concerned that if my parents die, I will never get any answers.

Do people here that sometimes there is "too much truth" and that it times its best to leave well enough alone?

Am I being selfish for bring something up that may only satisfy my curiousity and mental well being at the expense of my parents' own mental well being?

Thank you all in advance for reading and providing any insight.

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#412301 - 10/05/12 11:02 PM Re: Need Advice Again [Re: charlesxy]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1530
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: charlesxy


I do not recall the exact dates or age or how many times it happened. However, I am quite certain it happened and it happened more than once.

I do not recall that intercourse or oral sex was a part of it. What I remember was being tricked into performing masturbation on the neighbor and that he then kissed me with his tongue in my mouth. I remember these details graphically and explicitly.

If I remember these things, but it happened when I was so young, does anyone here think there is any chance I imagined it?



Charles,

A 4-6 year old would probably not have the capacity to imagine mastubating another male, or a tounge-in-mouth kiss. These memories would likely be real, unfortunately. I think there's no easy answer to the question of pursuing your abuser years after the fact. Some have tried and its been a bitter disappointment. Others have found justice by doing so. I'd suggest thinking carefully about the pro's and con's, some of which you've already done, and go with your gut. You have our support here in whatever you do.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#412310 - 10/06/12 01:07 AM Re: Need Advice Again [Re: charlesxy]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hi again CXY --

Not exactly an all or none proposition, imo. Yeah, there's brutal honesty which can be useful...i.e., I used it to confront my parental abusers.

There's a middle ground, however, which will require some thought on your part. You can selectively share with the folks to see what answers you get. Not to go metaphysical on you, but there's sometimes a reason I don't get answers. I hope you get yours.

One thing that makes me feel good about your post is your desire to protect other children. It's wholly admirable and something I believe you should keep in mind as you pursue this.

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#412359 - 10/06/12 06:49 PM Re: Need Advice Again [Re: charlesxy]
charlesxy Offline


Registered: 06/09/12
Posts: 30
Thanks, Lancer and Jude.

If you any one else has any other insight/opinions, I'd love to hear them.

Thank you.

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#412382 - 10/07/12 03:13 AM Re: Need Advice Again [Re: charlesxy]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Charles,
My memory of my abuse is foggy as well. I have a general sense of what happened but very few details. My brother is my abuser and I do see him still. I don't want to confront him because if he denies it or minimizes it I fear it would set my recovery back as it is already a bit fragile.

I want to remember but some people I know that remember their abuse vividly say I am lucky that I don't. It seems like I too am imagining it, that I've made this up so that I can have an excuse for all the problems in my life but I don't think I am.

I hope you do well in whatever you decide to do

Jason
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#412383 - 10/07/12 03:15 AM Re: Need Advice Again [Re: charlesxy]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Duplicate message mods please delete


Edited by onlyakid (10/07/12 03:18 AM)
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#412391 - 10/07/12 09:09 AM Re: Need Advice Again [Re: charlesxy]
Jwmcd2 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/03/12
Posts: 62
I made a sort of similar thread too recently talking about how frustrating it is that it's only "bits and pieces" that are remembered.

The way it's been explained to me: you're thinking like an adult and remember like an adult, but when you were younger your memories are different. A child that's 3-5 are more likely to center on sights, smells and such and less on language so it might seem different from more mature memories with language and stuff.

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#412393 - 10/07/12 09:36 AM Re: Need Advice Again [Re: charlesxy]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
charlesy, onlyakid and everyone

I do not know which is better--to remember small parts of the abuse or vivid memories. I have vivid memories and as I continue to heal and accept the abuse the images become more vivid--the memories and images I carried for a lifetime are disturbing enough. Sadly, the images are real and it has taken 45 years to accept them--they have wreaked havoc on my life for decades. I still have some memories of faces and actions that are not complete and this disturbs me. So it seems either way--full memories or partial memories all are disturbing and impact our lives.

I know my abuser, where he lives and works. I have driven passed the house, parked the car and stared, went to the church where he works-got out of the car but fear gripped me, I could not enter. Part of me wants to confront him and tell him how he screwed me up and how I hate and another part wants to see him because this part believes he was special to him. He screwed up my mind--hate and love of an abuser. How sick is this--but my T and others in support have told me, an abuser plays with the mind--as a child we want to be special and loved--he/she manipulates us and we are the ones who are messed up until we begin to heal. He convinces us the tingling in the body and body reactions show we are enjoying what is being done. We are still that child for a lifetime-until we learn to accept the abuse and learn to think differently about the abuse and who we are.

My mother is still alive. She has advancing dementia and I never told her. My father before he passed six years ago asked if I had been abused--in a conversation about the sex abuse at our church that father's in his coffee group had talked about. They had children my age who were altar boys, as I. I could not tell then. Now that I am healing I wish he was here today, so I could speak to him and let him know what had happened. You need to be ready to speak--only you will know when it is right to tell your parents.

Good luck

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#412441 - 10/07/12 10:47 PM Re: Need Advice Again [Re: KMCINVA]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
I remembered abuse which started before my 4th birthday. I remembered vague information at first. Then a T put me into light hypnosis and memories came tumbling forth. I reported the memories in pufferfish story part 1. After that I didn't need the light hypnosis anymore. The memories consisted of how I was "roped" into the whole situation, of how abuse took place before a black box which I later figured out was a movie camera. Then "he" had us perform 69, then several other configurations which wouldn't benefit anybody to detail here and now. When the memories started coming up they came up with strong sexual emotions which persisted for months. Can small children have strong emotions? Yes. Many years later my Mother told me who the other boys were.

Here are some details which I recently declared:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...2097#Post412097

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...1722#Post411722

The memories come back slowly for young ages. Even more slowly for incestious abuse.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (10/07/12 10:53 PM)

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#412483 - 10/08/12 12:00 PM Re: Need Advice Again [Re: charlesxy]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
I know the feeling, I have a lot of holes in my memories, the younger I was the more holes. I remember enough to know it was not good and, I'm sure I have good reasons for forgetting what I did. Likely worse than what I do remember, if that's possible.

Given some things I've recently recalled, and people I've met (or should say re-met, knew him in one of those lost periods), I suspect those locked memories are very dark and nasty, to say the least. I'll get to them in time - when I'm in a place to be able to handle it.

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