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#412184 - 10/04/12 01:39 PM Ugh.
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
So I wasn't sure where I wanted to post this. I thought about one place I could put it where it would be really really secure with only a few people that would ever see it. In that I also knew it would exclude many who could probably give me feedback and insight.

Don't feel comfortable putting it out in the general forum, although putting it here is just as public.

So as I see this as another part of my journey with God, and I've been dealing with and working through a lot of stuff lately (although I know I don't share and post on it much).

So this pertains to my addiction, and events of last night.

And again I say Ugh!

Last night was actually really good. I spent time with my wife while the kids were at Awana. Spent time with her after we got home and put the kids in bed.

We even started to get a tad frisky!

Then I asked her a question and apparently talking and asking questions leads to more talking! Go figure...

I asked her how she felt about having a husband who not only enjoyed foreplay etc, but utterly needed it in order to be able to do more (I need physical closeness and time if anything else is going to happen between us).

Her response was that for her that was sex. It's all she knew. She's never had any other and so it's the only thing she knows so she doesn't have anything to compare it to.

So I commented that maybe that's why God wants us to have no prior experience before marriage, so sex with our spouse, and what they like or don't like is all we know....

Then I commented about all the stuff I knew and experiences and how it made things so hard. (specifically thinking about the abuse etc.)

So then she asked me if she could ask me a question. To which I sheepishly replied.... ok..... rather tentatively. I already kinda thought I knew where it was going....

She felt that hesitation and said nevermind, "I don't want to kill anything here." (referring to mood, drive, etc).

I told her to go ahead anyway because communication is important in marriage and for intimacy.

So she commented on the fact that when I built my new computer a year ago I never had her setup any software or passwords to block sites etc, and wondered....

All I could say was that I didn't have any issues for a long time....

She already knew though. She said she knew, but it wasn't anything in me or the way I acted, she said she just knew.

We talked more about things back and forth.

She even said at one point, "If that's what you need....". How many men would take that blank check and run with it? I emphatically told her know, it's not a need, and it's the exact opposite of what I need. I know full well the damage and harm that stuff does and the negative impact it's had on me and my relationship with my wife. Even the horrible impact it's had on my ability to be fully fulfilled and satisfied with my wife.

You'd think that would have been it for the night, but honestly we even had sex.

I never could climax though. The shame was too much I guess, even though I wasn't really feeling it per se. I knew it was there, but not like in the past when I got caught with something.

This is a thorn I need out.

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#412188 - 10/04/12 01:55 PM Re: Ugh. [Re: JustScott]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1401
Loc: California
Hey Scott,

Sorry you're struggling with this, but I think you're doing the right thing exposing it to the light of truth and acceptance and honesty.

My response is in the form of a question: I'm pretty sure I know what specific addiction you're talking to (i've seen you mention it on other threads). What feelings are you trying to numb, or what experience are you trying to escape from that compels you so much to do it?

While I don't have addiction issues with that specific behavior, I do have others. And I've become very aware that I've been in fact trying to numb my feelings and escape the circumstances of my life, if even for a little while.

I've been practicing taking a cold hard look at the circumstances of my life, and asking myself some pretty poignant questions: what is my daily routine? How do I feel about it? How do I feel about myself? These questions lead me to understanding that I had needs that were not being met. I've had my addictive behaviors as a means to escape feelings of chronic loneliness and believing I was being fundamentally broken and hopeless (I grew up believing I was autistic/retarded).

Once I starting becoming aware of these fundamental truths of myself, and began accepting them, .. then I was slowly relieved of the need to participate in addictive behaviors. I still have some, but the more I work on myself and gaining masterful awareness of what makes me tick, and address the ***needs that I find are not getting met***, the need to 'use' decreases.

It's all part of the healing process. All of our issues are interconnected at the deepest level.

My 2 cents.

I think you're brave for sharing this and getting this out there. You will find that sharing your truth will ultimately set you free.

D



Edited by Magellan (10/04/12 11:37 PM)
Edit Reason: added a couple clarifying sentences
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#412208 - 10/04/12 06:17 PM Re: Ugh. [Re: JustScott]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Thanks for sharing this Scott. You have came along way it appears and I commend you on that. I will say this tho and you already know this, you have victory over this if you surrender it to God and rebuke the devil in Jesus name and claim that victory. Proud of you man.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#412216 - 10/04/12 09:30 PM Re: Ugh. [Re: JustScott]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1123
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Its nice to see you posting more Scott, I get a lot out of your insights and journey.

I have similar struggles addiction wise, but am not "out" in ANY way to my wife. So I marvel at the level of emotional intimacy you do have with her. I am sure it has been painful to get to where you two are, but wow I can only remotely imagine having any kind of discussion like that...

I've only had "performance" issues a couple times with my wife. And it was back before I was doing recovery work and edging every night... My biggest seksual issue with her is ASKING for seks (this is getting better) and premature ejac.ulation (a consequence of infrequent seks for me now).

One thing that helped me focus more on her and not my "fantasyland" was to keep my eyes open during seks, and look at her face.

Just a few thoughts... Take care buddy.

Jimmy
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#412226 - 10/05/12 12:15 AM Re: Ugh. [Re: JustScott]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 838
Loc: Kc,Mo
YO Scott take a breath man , the enemy has you focused on the wrong thing here .THERE IS NO CONDEMNATION FOR FOR THOSE WHO LOVE CHRIST AND ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS GOOD AND PERFECT WILL. HALLELUJAH !! that His Grace is Sufficient trust and believe brother the thing I am hearing here is that you did take responsibility and owned up most anyone would have took that ball and ran with it but you did not you maned up and took responsibility . Do not feel bad about doing the right thing and you are blessed with a wife who listened to the Holy Spirit and held you accountable . That is great none of what I am hearing is a bad thing .

Look at the many blessings coming out of this man do not focus on what the enemy wants you are worthy you are forgiven and there is Grace my friend and his mercies are renewed daily . He is not like humans all fickle and shit he loves us no matter what . He loves you and your wife loves and sounds like she understands you congratulations for taking responsibly . Those who seek his righteousness will be filled . This is Gods promise so do not freak out if you fall or have fallen because you are not satisfied with you sin you are not basking in your sin you are broken over it and this my friend is a marvelous thing because God is not Through with you yet.

You are seeking and thirsting so therefore keep doing this no matter how long it takes you will be filled .
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#412229 - 10/05/12 12:36 AM Re: Ugh. [Re: JustScott]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Scott - i'm trying to send you a PM but your box is full.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#412261 - 10/05/12 10:09 AM Re: Ugh. [Re: JustScott]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
I'm not usually one for replying person to person (actually usually on anything I post there are only 1 or 2 replies at most so it's not an issue), but there are things I want to be sure I note and reply to in each reply.

Before I do I'll clarify "my addiction". I realized after not only posting this here but sharing via email with another person, that what was "clear" from my perspective was very confusing to some others!

Anyway, I've been addicted to porn since I was 11. Addicted to compulsive MB since I was 7 or 8. Maybe earlier, but I know for sure that I was by that age, even though I didn't know it had a name, and really thought I was the only one in the whole world who did it. Even at that young age it was very frequent and by the time porn came along it was definitely at minimum a once a day thing and more often than not twice.

It started off with a large collection of mags that my brother (recently home from the army) brought home with him. Sadly over my teen years, I was responsible for exposing more than a few other poor naive souls to that horrific abyss. I shared it because it made me feel good. Made me feel important, because I had something "forbidden" that they only heard "dark whispers of" etc. Anyway, once we got the internet when I was in 9th or 10th grade I believe, then all bets were off. I had already grown bored with the still image mags and even the still image pictures I could find and so with the discovery of usenet and other such services I now had access to mountains of videos, the only limit to the consumption thereof was most of those files took far to long to download on that old 9600k baud rate dial-up modem I had (it took another few years before the blazing speed of 14.4k modems was available).

Even then I quickly got tired of the standard run of the mill videos and nothing but the Hard Core stuff would suffice. That's kinda where I am at now. 99% of the time it's an HC vid that I go looking for. I say kinda, because there are days where even that doesn't cut it and I find myself looking up BDSM and other torture/forced stuff.

It's also not all "straight", that just depends on my particular mood and what I'm feeling at the time. Although when I do watch non-straight videos the person I relate to in the video is always the person being used for the pleasure of the other person or persons etc.

So there's a FAR long explanation than I had even considered doing. I just kinda came out and now this post will probably be far too long for people to read.

@Megellan
Your questions are good ones and are ones that I asked myself and even recognized that I've got issues in areas that I'm of course, struggling with. So of my addictions and such are definitely rooted in the mindset of escape. I've been "escaping" from real life since I was a kid. The other part of it is definitely in unmet desires and longings in my heart.

I too find myself very lonely. I have no close friends that I can be open with. I just really never learned how as a kid. I was always on the outside and alone and so didn't make friends and as I got older I kept to myself, definitely as a result of abuse, and then in Jr. High and High School as a result of bullying, I pulled away even more. I actually took pride in the fact that in High School I didn't need anyone and didn't hang out with all those "stupid" kids who partied all the time etc etc... looking back it was probably just a full on denial of the feelings inside. High School was also the time when the porn habit/addiction kicked into over drive. I also spent countless hours in video games, which were just another way to escape.

Yes I feel broken. I know I have many unmet desires. I actually am on the Autism spectrum (I'm actually kinda proud of it, it makes me different, but at the same time that is yet another reason I struggle to connect to other people.). I don't know how to get those desires met or how to stop feeling broken.

@Country
To be honest I'm envious of your deliverance from these struggles. I know God does indeed deliver some people out of that in an instant manner, yet for me and others I've talked to, we don't get that granted to us. Believe me I pray for it, as Paul did to be delivered from his thorn in the flesh. I know that if someday God does deliver me or even if His reply is the same as to Paul, "My Grace is sufficient for you...." I have to accept it, and try to be like my brother Paul and "boast in my weakness". I certainly won't give up striving to DO what I KNOW is right, but it surely is a struggle each and every day.

@Jim
My wife really is amazing. I often wonder what I did to deserve her.... or conversely what did SHE do to deserve me! ;-) Sorry, little humor there. All that up there was getting heavy and it was time for a little comedic relief.

That ability to be so open has taken A LOT of work, on both our parts. I've been married nearly 13 years now and believe me, it wasn't so many years ago that it was impossible for us to be able to be that open.

Speaking of open.... this last time keeping my eyes open was impossible. I tried to, but when I did the shame was there. The time before that though, I did and it was a wonderful time and there was no shame or issues. It was just great. She has been making an effort to be more available to me, but it's still a struggle as her drive is WAY low and mine has been hyper since puberty hit.

@nltsaved
I think I just found my new quote of the day, "God is not fickle and shit!" Love it!

Anyway, my recent work and struggles and such have definitely got me working internally, but also have me working on "receiving" into myself, what I know "logically" to be true. What I mean by that, is I know what God says. I know how He sees me, yet I have this barrier to internalizing it. I still have this struggle and battle within to feel acceptable and worthy, despite the fact that God has already declared it to be so.

Yes it all is indeed progress, but progress hurts! Like my good brother James said... "Consider it all joy... when you encounter various trials...". These surely are "self-made" trials, but God surely does use them to work me over!

@Lee
Wow, amazing... I hit the PM limit! Crazy! I cleared it up, I have stuff all the WAY back to 08 in there. It's really really open now.

@The fellow who sent me a PM you know who you are! ;-)
Yes I put humor in my stuff, it's how I get through all this!

Anyway... <---- I say that a lot too apparently.

Thanks for the PM, I'll cut/paste what I typed here and drop a PM back at ya!

Anyway <---- See there it is again....

I don't even remember how and where I started this thing at because it's taken lots o lots o time.

So there it is!

Mind is no longer connecting. Heart is no longer heavy.



Edited by JustScott (10/05/12 10:14 AM)

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#412264 - 10/05/12 10:49 AM Re: Ugh. [Re: JustScott]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1401
Loc: California
Hey Scott,

Thanks for replying. I wanted to clarify - "unmet desires" vs." unmet NEEDS". We all have unmet desires. But I'm saying that the nature of our addictive compulsions is because we have unmet needs we have not yet identified or met.

For me, it was unmet needs I wasn't aware of (I needed intimacy and real connection). Now that I"m aware of them, I'm working on learning how to meet them. And since I've been learning to meet my needs this past couple years, the desire to numb the feeilngs has decreased because the painful feelings themselves have decreased.

I also have the same issue of not being able to look into the eyes of someone who is with me. I'm experiencing that now, and its the first time that I'm noticing that this is actually an issue. Talked to my therapist about it last night, and I thank you for your words. Yes, I'm too ashamed to look into his eyes. It feels very frightening and I feel like I'm exposed. Weird.

Thanks again for your thoughtful reply!

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#412491 - 10/08/12 12:47 PM Re: Ugh. [Re: JustScott]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
I agree about the differences between unmet needs and desires. I've come to learn that unmet desires can also easily lay at the root of an addiction.

I definitely have the need for intimacy and connection at the root of mine, but it goes beyond what I can get from my wife. I haven't ever connected with other men. Wasn't close to my father, and really didn't have close friendships etc growing up, I was definitely a loner. So I have a deep need to connect to men specifically. Nothing in a sexual way though, but because the few times in my life I felt close to other male individuals it was through abusive situations. So I have all that confusion in there as well.

Sadly I find myself so out of sync with all the men around me in my life. I live in a community that if very old fashioned and traditional etc, so men stand around and talk about traditionally "manly" things. Which I have never had an interest in. So I really don't know where to get that genuine need met in a proper and healthy way.

Anxiety and stress are also big triggers for the addiction as well.

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