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#412079 - 10/03/12 01:53 PM Feeling it
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1469
Loc: New England
Yesterday was the first time in a while when it hurt so bad I just wanted to die. I spent the morning curled up in a ball on the floor screaming and crying till I puked. More followed in the afternoon. I scared my wife and children. It was a mess.

I thought I had begun to see daylight, but now I realize this shit is deeper than I thought, and its not going to be over till its over. Its just the way it is and I have to get thru it, no matter what.

If I had been 13 and raped, in another time and place. If I could have been allowed to feel the pain and grieve the loss of my childhood then. If I had had the support of my family and maybe a child therapist then. Maybe I wouldn't have to go thru this now. But here I am. Sober. Feeling the pain for the first time. Grieving for the first time. And just so damn tired of it.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#412081 - 10/03/12 02:06 PM Re: Feeling it [Re: Jude]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
Sadly- Your experience mentioned is a sure sign of progress. Though it feels like anything but progress right now.

Congratulations on feeling your pain adeptly.

You will go far in your walk, as you allow yourself to feel your pain. Hands down- Great Work.
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

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#412082 - 10/03/12 02:07 PM Re: Feeling it [Re: Jude]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1389
Loc: California
You have much to be grateful for - you're married and have a family. A lot of survivors never get that opportunity to express their love this way. You're also sober.

Yeah, the pain sucks. It's horrific. I hate it, too. We don't deserve it, but we're forced to heal through it. I'm learning a powerful lesson about practicing gratitude on the things I feel the most pain and worry about. It helps me to stay focused and centered on the choice I made to heal.

Sounds like you're already doing that. I hope you see that. I do. smile I'm proud of you.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#412083 - 10/03/12 02:10 PM Re: Feeling it [Re: Jude]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 742
Loc: michigan
sorry man but you know I'm here with you. just starting to tell it is a huge thing man but it is only the beginning. I hope the good days start out number the bad ones soon man.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#412085 - 10/03/12 02:20 PM * [Re: Jude]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:25 PM)

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#412102 - 10/03/12 04:43 PM Re: Feeling it [Re: Jude]
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: Garydosh

I thought I had begun to see daylight, but now I realize this shit is deeper than I thought, and its not going to be over till its over. Its just the way it is and I have to get thru it, no matter what.

If I had been 13 and raped, in another time and place. If I could have been allowed to feel the pain and grieve the loss of my childhood then. If I had had the support of my family and maybe a child therapist then. Maybe I wouldn't have to go thru this now. But here I am. Sober. Feeling the pain for the first time. Grieving for the first time. And just so damn tired of it.


This is exactly where I am at man, It is shit, I know. I am feeling it right now! I only wish my parents had noticed it when I was little, god knows I tried to tell them with my acting out, but then again my behaviour was challenging waaay before my sexual abuse started. Sober is very difficult for me at the minute but managing, just. Anyway before I hijack your thread! Just wanted to say that I can directly relate.

All the best

Oz


Edited by Unknown1 (10/03/12 04:44 PM)
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

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#412111 - 10/03/12 10:37 PM Re: Feeling it [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1469
Loc: New England
Thank you guys. When I am feeling like I was yesterday, there is no getting thru to me, but today I appreciate your friendship and support. We'll all get through this somehow.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

Top
#412189 - 10/04/12 02:30 PM Re: Feeling it [Re: Jude]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I told my parents part of the abuse. I was interrogated by a detective and James was sentenced to a year or so in juvenile detention. He was 14 or 15 at the time. I visited regularly with a child therapist for nearly 6 months. During all of this, I never revealed the extent of the abuse and kept 90% of it secret. Then, near my 22nd birthday it call came out.

It wasn't until this past February that I decided to face all of those feelings. And you know what, it still hurt like hell. I still cried myself to sleep. We all hurt, all of us. You are healing my friend. Let the pain out. It has been in there for too long. Heal well brother.

Daniel,
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#415810 - 11/09/12 06:09 PM Re: Feeling it [Re: Jude]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 283
Loc: MO
To: Feeling it

I am struggling with acceptance that I have to accept it as a loss. My parents dismissed it. So I certainly didn't go to them with other abusers. It has taken me years in therapy to accept that my participation did not make me complicit. I did not prostitute myself because I did not have choices. I was 37 when I accepted it had been incest. I WAS 42 before I got sober, I was 52 when I finished caring for my elderly parents. I was 45 when I aSKED MY WIFE TO TAKE DOWN A PHOTO THat was taken when I was nude at my mother's direction when I was 12. Of course she refused.

The pain is overwhelming so I try to avoid crying. It took me a long time to accept that if the wATER FROM MY eyes was running down my cheeks then I was crying. When I fist cried all I could think was my father yelling, "If you don't stop crying, I will give you something to cry about"

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#422542 - 01/18/13 04:58 PM Re: Feeling it [Re: genedebs]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
@genedebs

U deserve to cry.
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

Top


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