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#411715 - 09/28/12 09:17 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1626
Loc: New England

About a month ago I said exactly the same thing: "Let me off this F-ing train". But my other alternatives were worse so I stayed on board, and guess what...things started to get better. Stay the course and it will get better for you brother.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#411768 - 09/29/12 03:39 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2568
Loc: Denver, CO
had session - not feeling worlds better, but a little bit. having a T again is a good feeling. and he's someone i know. have another appointment with him Monday evening and a group support meeting on Tuesday.
Maybe if i can keep myself busy enough, i won't notice how i feel...

Thanks everyone who's written and urged me onward. Your voices of support are appreciated and so very very needed right now.

#411811 - 09/30/12 06:35 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3790
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Mark -

one thing i have learned from the "1 step forward, 9 steps back" scenarios in my own life is - it will be easier to find the way back to where you were at your furthest forward point because you've been there before. those next 10 steps won't be nearly as hard the next time because you already know the way. sometimes i find it better not to try to look too far ahead or too far back. just the next step...

We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

#411892 - 10/01/12 09:10 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: traveler]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2568
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: traveler
it will be easier to find the way back to where you were at your furthest forward point because you've been there before. those next 10 steps won't be nearly as hard the next time because you already know the way.
this works unless someone has moved the stones ...
Originally Posted By: traveler
sometimes i find it better not to try to look too far ahead or too far back. just the next step...
But this is very true. I keep looking WAY out there, which means my gaze is nowhere near where my feet need to go....

if it just didn't make me so rageful

#411894 - 10/01/12 09:53 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2591
Hey Mark!

Don't beat yourself up too bad. WoR's are good and at the same time they literally kick our @$$es!

I remember that WoR way way back in 2008. I also seem to remember a time when you said you'd never do that again, yet you did! I see that as a positive step.

Sure we all have the forward/backward movement path as we deal with this stuff, and it's completely ok. Slipping back a bit doesn't mean your a failure.

I have 3 kids and as each one grows, they move a little farther out there on there own... then suddenly realize.. whoops too far!! So they run back to a place where they are comfortable again. But in time, they can go even further then they tried before.

My own healing has been the same way, go out there.... and have to move back a bit for a time, but in time I can go even farther!

Keep up the good work though. Any progress is better than no progress!

#411971 - 10/02/12 08:40 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2568
Loc: Denver, CO
I'll grant you "any progress is better than no progress" - but I'm not making progress, I'm slipping back to where I was before - almost to where I was when I started this "journey of discovery".
Maybe I'm just too old or too tired, but I don't know if I can do this. I'm sorry Scott - I'm sorry everybody. I want to believe recovery works, I see it in others, I just have none for me.

#411972 - 10/02/12 08:48 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3710
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Mark, don't be sorry.
Things are what they are and even it could look bad, it is important to be honest.
I see it as you are trying and giving your best no matter on obstacles...
My story

#411973 - 10/02/12 09:00 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5954
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
There is no apology necessary Mark. "Backwards" IS recovery Forward. Progress in recovery is going backwards to find where we left ourselves hurt, abused, rejected and afraid. We discover us then. If, for example, we were abused when we were 6 years old, then that part of ourselves, the six year old would be frozen there, terrified, shocked. He is still in us. Fast forward to today, and a situation trigger comes up that accesses our six year old abused self. How do we react? As a terrified, abused, shocked six year old, of course. We yell, scream, throw things, flail our arms, bang our heads, punch walls and run away. We hide, isolate, tremble, feelings of unfairness and uncertainty overwhelm us, there is no consolation. Anger is amplified fear. If a survivor is accessing overwhelming anger, then he is very close to the fear. It gets stronger as we get closer to it. Until, yes.., until that sweet release, when we feel just the fear, and learn to love the little boy that is shivering in the recesses of our hearts and minds. What would we do if we found a six year old boy alone and crying in a mall? We would ask him what he knows, kneel in front of him, look him in the eye and really listen, then we would take him to the information desk or security and make sure he is well taken care of. We would take a break from him, then go back and check up on him. His guardian has found him, they embrace, his face cleaned, his nose blown, he gladly takes the hand of his protector. They walk away, into the sunlight.., safe, confident.

You are his guardian.

#411991 - 10/02/12 12:42 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: SamV]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2503
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

My brother, Mark.

Back in August '10, this old boy was sitting on the patio on a hot Texas morning. I was working in the heat & stopped for a drink & a bit of rest in the shade. I was having flashbacks while I was working but tried to ignore it.
I'm sitting in a rocker on the patio, all of a sudden I felt very tired, could hardly keep my eyes open, my breathing was shallow & my heart seemed like it was hardly beating.
A voice came into my mind, telling me Pete, we're too old (71), we're too tired, we're hurting real bad, and it's too tough for us to handle. It's taking too much of our physical & mental health. Pull the plug Pete, end our pain & shame forever. Then I came back into the real world, what in the hell is going on with me? Never in my life had I ever had those kinds of feelings. It seemed like a fleeting thought, not lasting more that perhaps a minute or two.I tried to ground myself. I tried to concentrate on my upcoming WoR at Alta a month away.

Exactly 2 weeks to the day, I was driving to the post office when those voices came back to my conscious mind. But this time they were not fleeting thoughts,I could not shake them, my heart started to beat like a drum, I was shaking,those memories were flooding my mind, I started tearing up, I was headed for an mental breakdown, I pulled over into a rest area in town as I was too far gone mentally to safely drive any further. Those voices we're not going to just fade away. Fortunately I have OnStar in my pickup, through all those other voices came another drowning out the others, it was my inner child, young Pete, telling me to make the most important telephone call in your life. I could hardly move, let alone see the button for the OnStar connection. I had in my pickup the VA hot line mental clinic telephone number. I asked the operator to please connect me as I'm in deep trouble, she did & a calming voice started talking to me, slowly getting me calmed down & grounded. She asked me if I am capable of driving, I told her not at that moment, well do you think that you would be able to drive a bit later after you have calmed down? I think so. Well OK, Pete get here as fast as you can, safely. Check into the mental health clinic & a doctor will be waiting for you. I checked both of us in. Both of us?? Yes sir as my inner child told me to come here, the big guy was thinking of harming himself, ending our pain, because he was too old, it hurt too much. I've (young Pete) has survived for these past 69 1/2 years alone, in the depths of hell. And after just one year in consciously trying to work through all of this in therapy, HE, THOUGHT IT WAS TOO TOUGH, He was thinking of ending it all.
The little guy during our lock up came back to me, telling me in no uncertain terms that he is ashamed of the big guy.
Hey, I got us to 69 1/2 years, thought it was time that you would like to know about me, and why we have lived our life the way that we have. Big Pete, my 69 1/2 years to your one, too tough, big guy? I'm ashamed of you, come on old man, we have some living to do.

Yes, Mark, you've been down this road also, i'm sure. Our up's and downs.Our deep pain, guilt & shame. Our triumphs & failures. Our emotional & mental swings. Doubting if we will ever reach that ever elusive goal of becoming that SURVIVOR.

When I got my inner child back in '08 at that WoR in Georgia.

I held on to him for dear life, I hugged & kissed him, told him that he was always a good boy. I told him that I will never let you go. Then I made a solemn vow to him..and I repeat it almost in every post that I make here & in PM's.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As HE is ME.

Has that vow been easy to keep? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Like you, my brother Mark, we second guess & doubt ourselfs quite often. That goal line keeps moving. We want to give up. But, that little boy is depending on us, there are times when I think that he should lead as I make some pretty emotional & mental mistakes in dealing with this.

Once again, young Pete extends to his young brother Mark, his compassion, understanding, hope & love, in staying the course.

Once again, big Pete, extends to his hurting brother, Mark, his compassion, understanding, hope & love and the courage to stay the course.

We can do no less for that young boy within us as HE is US.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#411995 - 10/02/12 01:26 PM * [Re: MarkK]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:24 PM)

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