alone..i feel terrrified ..if i dont act out ; what
will happen?
i cant even look at my mom. I hate my dad; but he
doesnt even know what his brother does.
He used to drive me home.
He would always tell me i would killl people if i reported
this to billie (his daughter).
I am wanting to watch gay porn, right now.
I realize if i go onto chat, i may trigger guys.

I have to get out of this mess.
I couldnt get help. Now i have a T. He is too good.
We are good , together.
Challenges for me are whenever, i see a guy.
At the gym, or walking somewhere.

I used to thnk i had it all.
I never knew ,me.
I thought i was never worth anything.
My cousins. My grandma, is a sick bitch! And i act like she is
next me, right now! She has been dead for over a decade, i
think.
I graduated from high-school n '94 - what i learned ; not much!
My mind was always on other things. Not sure.

I am scared..of being gay. But would that b sooo bad?
I feel like i have to b. For my cousin;bitch !
I hate her. My brother called my parents place this morning.
I slept here last night.
My mom calls my name out , to speak to him. Mother fucker,
i just said " tell him i say hi"!
He can go to hell.
He scared me too.
Y'know it is reall hard on a person emotionally when a girl says
"Goran i have never seen you with a girl".
This was in Thompson oh about 14 years ago.
It is true i never had a girl. I still am terrified of women.:)
My brother , then one night after the bar....i arrived shortly
after him - i am guessing his firends might have had a little fun
in my benefit ( i dont know if that is how it is said properly).
He looked at me when i walked in and he had htis look as if i
was disgusting and that i should b shameful.
" I never see you pick-up any chicks!"
Man i feel bad when i was anywhere in that town.
I dont even hate the town. Nobody really hated me.
I mean i had a bully in grade 6 . And i heard some shithead
was always insulting me in my high-school years.
But i never had problems.
I only had a few girls like me. And even then the crush toward
me was over when i would find out.
But my brother is an asshole!
I was 20lbs. over weight i would hear this " RIP, CRACK , RUMMMBB
BBBLLE" ! everytime i would walk downstairs in my house
when his friends were there ( other friends also would do this)
and my wonderful cousin and a friend of hers ,too would do this.
This was to motivate me to lose weight.
What assholes!
And i should what forgive him? Fuck off!
I want to bolt out of here and get... out of Manitoba.
I will apply at more jobs in the coming days...and..i am
lonely.
Brutal!
Take ,care love ya
Goran

(((Goran)))

Fellow Survivor, get this out! It does not belong to you. These people are expressing their own hatred, what they have heard or what they feel about themselves, NOT YOU!

Keep talking about this, keep expressing yourself, get this out of you so you can find YOU in YOU! You are beautiful brother!

Sam

ahhhhh i love you too, thanks !

xo
Goran

Goran- I like the way you write. Very free-flowing and expressive. Keep writing-keep sharing- don't keep it in.