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#411914 - 10/01/12 03:30 PM What are the best indicators
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
My H and I are still together it has been a long long road, it will be 2 years in January when my life blew to pieces. He is sticking with his program and has stopped drinking and has continued therapy. Overall he seems to be a happy and healthier person. Now that he appears to have his feet on steadier ground I am trying to deal with the acting out portion of the abuse, the lies & cheating etc. He is sorry for what he has done and I believe him but how can I trust him again and what indicators are there that he is on the right path? Everything looks good from the outside but it always did. I am not sure how to move in a positive direction. I am angry, sad and hurt. We have three children and I am trying to keep it together for them.

Who here has made it to the next step and what did you do? I am so angry at him. I want him to be proud of his progress but to understand my pain. So I spend alot of time being silent. Now that he has made progress I don't want to knock him back down but I can't act like everything is ok? I want to move forward. I am determined to not let the abuse win. I feel like if we got divorced his child molesting father would win. But how can I ever trust him again?

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#411934 - 10/01/12 08:17 PM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
RachelMac Offline


Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
Gretta,
I found out about a year and a half ago with my husband. I feel what you are going through. Sometimes I am so angry but have to bite my tongue because I know that expressing my anger may stunt any progress (or so I feel). I look forward to the responses you get and I'm sorry you're going through this.

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#411953 - 10/02/12 01:36 AM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
ALIVE 3n1 Offline


Registered: 12/24/11
Posts: 76
Loc: Throne Room of God
Gretta,

Accountability is by far the best motivator that has helped me. If he is moving forward he will be proud of the progress and enjoy being accountable to you through open and honest communication. There is no privacy in the relationship with you, you are on the inside. It is difficult being one sided till you are able to trust again, but the waiting is worth it.

Soli Deo Gloria

Alive

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#411994 - 10/02/12 01:21 PM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 205
Loc: IDAHO
Gretta,

I wish I knew more about the indicators but I think each survivor is different. I hope that you get some helpful posts about that.
What I can relate to is the anger. I was so surprised when my H started therapy that I found so much anger welling up in me. I thought that once he started to take step to recover I would relax and feel better but the opposite has happened. I have waves of anger, hurt, and rage. Sometimes I don't even want to see my H because I feel like I can't trust anything he tells me. I feel so betrayed. I'm trying to work through this anger in therapy but it is taking time and it hurts very badly.
My favorite quote about anger is this-
"Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" or something like that.
I think this is so true. I've watched as my anger has thrown me into a deep depression, sucks my energy, and keeps me from my own happiness. I would suggest therapy for working through your anger and trust issues. I know that it is helping me. And I know that my anger while it is justified needs to be channeled into something productive. Anger is a force and when I hold it back it burns me up inside. I try to channel it into exercise, writing, art, etc. And somedays I just sit with it and let myself cry. I cry long and hard and don't care that I have snot and make-up running down my face.
I think that no matter what your H is doing and how much he recovers you won't be able to fully see it or appreciate it until you address your own feelings. I feel that once you have begun to release your anger and hurt then you will see things more clearly and be able to better judge what is really going on with him.
Good luck
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#412011 - 10/02/12 05:37 PM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Gretta

Sorry for the pain.
I think the main thing that you need to watch out for is your H's willingness to share with you. The other thing is consistency. Consistency in his therapy and his group, ie: he needs to keep going regularly.

Something to watch out for is this. Your H has been going to group and therapy etc, but what are you doing?
I look at it like this. I abused my wife for 23 years, I drank, did porn and was having emotional affairs with anyone that listened. I and I stress the (I) damaged this precious person whose only sin was to love me, for the 23 years that we have been together. I was damaged as a child, and to deal with this I went to therapy.
So if we look at your life, you have been abused and hurt by your H, and believe me you have, so are you in group or therapy?

The other thing that I have noted in my life is that when I decided to heal from my past, I put every ounce of energy into it, and my recovery has been pretty fast. This left my wife pretty confused and feeling that it could not be true. So yes she did doubt and not trust me, after all the years of abuse how could He recover so quickly?
I don't blame her for this, I really cant. All I know now is that I want to make right for all the years that I hurt her, and I truly hope that your H will do the same for you.
Don't forget that we still have a lot to learn and we need to learn to become emotional adults, so don't flip out if he makes a mistake, but if he keeps making mistakes and lying all the time, well then he needs to re-look at his healing and his life.
Never let him control you or abuse you again, no matter what he claims.

I hope that this helps you

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#412076 - 10/03/12 10:36 AM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Thanks All!

HD I love that saying it's so true. I am going to have to dig deep inside myself to let go of this. It's not hurting him, it's hurting me. He said he feels like I am in labor and he knows I am in pain but can't do anything to help me. I guess that's partly true.

I really just want to run away for a month but I couldn't do that to my babies. They are the only joy I have right now. For some reason the cheating has really taken hold this last couple weeks and I hate it. I am depressed and all I want to do is sleep.

Ironically my head knows that is was all physical. He hired prostitutes. There were no emotional affairs. He was starting one but I had the pleasure of meeting her and she was a train wreck. She actually helped his case in showing me how sick he really was. MY HEAD knows my HEART is broken. That sums it up and when he does make mistakes I guess I am just sick of it. We've been together for 14 years and he has taken my kindness as a weakness. Unfortunately there is no benefit of the doubt left for him.

Can we live like this?

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#412086 - 10/03/12 02:25 PM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 307
Wow, Gretta. This has been a wrenching thread for me to read. I'm a survivor, someone who has been working hard to come to terms with the sexual assaults I endured as a kid and the absolutely fucked up stuff I have done since then. Let me just put it out there plainly. I cheated on my wife. Emotional stuff was part of the affair, in that I told the "other woman" things about myself and my feelings. I didn't "come out" as abused to her, because I completely ignored my abuse at that point in my life, didn't even call it abuse, until about four months after I started therapy. I started therapy one day after I told my wife about the affair. It wasn't that I just blurted the truth out. The "other woman" was married. Her husband used some kind of computer spying thing to see her emails or something. At that point, as far as I defined it at the time, the affair was over. I guess the truth is that I had ended the physical part of the affair but hadn't been able to end the emotional part. Anyway, I only told my wife because I felt like I had to, like I had to tell her myself. I couldn't allow someone else to tell her. I loved my wife too much for that....

I never thought my wife would keep me in her life. The affair was four years ago. I guess things all came out about three years and 10 months ago. I'm so glad that we're still together. Even now, though, she sometimes doesn't trust me. I understand that. I understand that lies kill trust. That's what they do. And I've been making a lot of progress on myself. I've learned so much about myself and about partnerships and marriage and love since then. I know I'm not perfect, but I also know why I did what I did, and I know how to avoid that in the future. I also know that I would split up with my wife if I thought our marriage couldn't or wouldn't work. That's what therapy has given me. It has helped me lessen my fear for facing hard truths. If I can't be the man and partner I want and need to be for my wife, I'll partner with her as an ex in raising our children as best as we can separately, but I won't drag her through a fucked up and dysfunctional marriage.

But mostly, though, my therapy has helped me to focus on each day as it comes, and on getting up and trying again. And again and again. I pray that some day she'll trust me again, fully trust me, and understand that all of this I did for myself, for her, and for our family. Sometimes it's hard to be patient. But I will be.

You ask if you can live like this? I don't know. But I do know that there is no "normal." None of us know the inner lives of other peoples' marriages. All we know is what we have in front of us. I want to be EXACTLY the man my wife wants me to be. Every day. I can't change the past. Sometimes the past is hard for her to accept. Sometimes I feel like it hits her like a hammer, when she's not expecting it. Well, damn. I can only focus on the present and make sure I'm still here, still solid, when she's ready to look to me again.

Bob


Edited by Robert1000 (10/03/12 02:28 PM)

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#412100 - 10/03/12 04:24 PM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Thanks Bob,

You sound just like my husband smile and it's as if I am two people. I know how hard he has worked and how far he has come. That part of me is proud of him. Tears come to my eyes. I have watched him become such a wonderful man in so many ways. I am not sure that I would be strong enough to overcome what he have has overcome. That is why I have been silent.

And well the other side of me posted here. Taking one day at a time is the only way I know how to live anymore and I love HD's quote about anger, it's only hurting me, I am trying to let it go. I have said that to myself many times today.

I have no control over what he does and if he decides to go hire a prostitute tomorrow I can't stop that. There are no indications that is going to happen but of course for me it's always a possibility. Which makes me feel unsafe and sad.

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#412214 - 10/04/12 09:00 PM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Sorry, Gretta, the only person you can trust is God. Everyone else is fallible. I used to trust myself but that is now down the toilet so God is all I have left.

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#412215 - 10/04/12 09:00 PM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Sorry, Gretta, the only person you can trust is God. Everyone else is fallible. I used to trust myself but that is now down the toilet so God is all I have left.

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#412254 - 10/05/12 08:13 AM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Lucy you are so right I am ok with that. It's out of my control, I know that.

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#412259 - 10/05/12 09:59 AM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 307
I hear you, Gretta. I appreciate everything you've said, including the anger you expressed. It's all justified. There's nothing wrong with feeling those feelings. And the shit your husband did is sad. It's terribly sad. It's also mean. It was mean to you and your family. And... hell, talk about people with fucked up boundaries.... I mean, I'll never be one to judge sex workers. It's a fucking hard job, I'm sure. But one thing I've learned from my therapy is that boundaries protect us. Your husband... and the same is true for me... had those sacred boundaries trampled and destroyed at an age WAY TOO young. I don't know about him, but I was hurt and hurt bad. I was also tricked and confused with emotions. It left me angry, hurt and outraged but also I reacted in some really creative and cool ways to help myself and save myself. Some of my defenses turned out to be very destructive, while others turned out to be things I really like about myself, and things my WIFE really likes about me. It has taken me a long time to be able to accept those truths, and I should be very careful to explain that nothing about the rapes and sexual assaults I suffered as a child were good. There was no good in that. None. But. I did respond to those horrid events in some good ways, as well as in some destructive ways. And I get to take responsibility for the good and the bad. And I also get to make the choice to continue with the good and change the ones I don't like so much.

Bob

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#412357 - 10/06/12 05:59 PM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 637
Loc: NJ
Someone wise once told me that I felt safest with my husband when I was most at risk. That crap SPUN ME for a loop. And it was so true. When he was acting like a good husband, hiding his truths, his past, his pain, his lies, I felt good, happy, I trusted him. How ironic no?

So now, I have no trust. I don't even trust myself to see the truth or to identify a lie. But I am living with a person who is MUCH MORE deserving of my trust than that other person. It is a process, a painful painful process.

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#412476 - 10/08/12 10:20 AM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Bob thank you for your candid and honest answers. My husband is not as good at expressing himself or maybe he is scared. I fully realize that there are many demons he is fighting. I am fighting a couple myself. So many moving pieces and all the while we have a family and business to keep running. Not alot of time to slow down.

Esposa you are right and I know that.

I am in awe of the little boy that endured and survived the abuse. There are many things I love about my husband and I hope that he learns to love himself. I don't want to always wonder is he being faithful to himself and us. I think I can deal with the past but the future?

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#412659 - 10/09/12 10:40 PM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Bob said: "That's what therapy has given me. It has helped me lessen my fear for facing hard truths. If I can't be the man and partner I want and need to be for my wife, I'll partner with her as an ex in raising our children as best as we can separately, but I won't drag her through a fucked up and dysfunctional marriage."

This is the promise I want my husband to make and keep for me. That is what I need to know.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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