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#411838 - 09/30/12 01:14 PM This shit is killing me
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
feel really messed up today. coming to terms with my abuse is more difficult than I thought.

been up for about 40 hours! took way to much of my adhd med, I know it was stupid! what an idiot, I do not want to go back to drink and drugs thats for sure!

I hate complaining about my problems, I hate to moan but I need to get this out! and get your take on things.

not being able to approach or talk to woman is killing me and has been for years. feel so pathetic, unworthy and just hate where I am right now. About a month ago A girl I have always known and wanted to be able to show her I am interested, thats all I ask for. If things took off between us or with anyone else for that matter it would be a bonus and pretty amazing! Anyway she returned home from her travels to renew her visa. when I found out she was back my anxiety start to hit hard, the wanting just crippled me so much so it lead me to really think about my past. I start to join the dots and put all my bad memories together, since then it has been hell! Why the hell would two woman get a kick out of forcing a young boy to perform sexual acts on their boyfriends?!

What fucks me off the most is I am 99% sure she has always been interested in me but very shy and I am that useless I could not do anything about it. for some reason I see some of my problems with intimacy in her, Every time I see her I freeze up. Its not that I want her and no one else or anything like that I freeze up with any woman I am interested in it just so happens she stirs up these feeling more than most. I would have loved to have gone over to see her before she headed off again. She left a week ago and I am just to messed up to have gone. Knowing I can't connect is overwhelming. I am not supprised I hit the med bottle hard. Grrr.. heres hoping things will look better tomorrow after a decent nights sleep.


Edited by Unknown1 (09/30/12 01:21 PM)
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

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#411839 - 09/30/12 01:35 PM Re: This shit is killing me [Re: COSC]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi Unknown,

I"ve been helped a bit in situations like this by reading Creative Visualization, by Shakti Gawain. I started a thread with some ideas from it here: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...7653#Post407653

Danny

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#411842 - 09/30/12 02:07 PM Re: This shit is killing me [Re: DannyT]
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
Thanks Danny

I will download it shortly and have a look. I have been doing quite a bit of meditation type stuff which is helping so will more than likely start something like Creative Visualization.

Oz
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

Top
#411843 - 09/30/12 02:15 PM Re: This shit is killing me [Re: COSC]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi Oz,

SInce you're liking meditation, you'll probably like Shakti Gawain, too, as the exercises are really meditations.

I've written a bunch of meditation threads over the years and will be happy to share them with you if you'd like.

Danny

actually I'll just post some links here if you're interested:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...7926#Post377926
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...9038#Post279038
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5575#Post275575
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...2023#Post192023
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...43342#Post43342

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#411845 - 09/30/12 02:52 PM Re: This shit is killing me [Re: DannyT]
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
Hi danny,

yeah, only really started it. I've had some strange experiences when mediating! Good ones but pretty weird. Mostly "what the hell was that!?" kind of experiences, "I need to explore this again". Have you much experience with meditation? yeah you do. just read some of your posts

Cheers will check these out.

Thanks,

Oz


Edited by Unknown1 (09/30/12 03:02 PM)
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

Top
#411846 - 09/30/12 03:05 PM Re: This shit is killing me [Re: COSC]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
HI Oz,

Yes, I've been doing meditation for many years. It's really helpful. You're likely to have many weird experiences along the way. It's a sign that things are moving in your practice. Most meditation manuals suggest not getting attached to them, as they can seem really magical and sometimes upsetting. The brain can do strange things. One book I'm working with now talks about the relationship between dream and reality, recognizing that we imagine our world, that our understandings of it shape the way we experience reality. As you work with meditation your hold on your perceptions can shift a bit. That can be unsettling. But it's nothing to worry about. It's just new ways of seeing getting exercised.

Danny

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#411848 - 09/30/12 03:27 PM Re: This shit is killing me [Re: DannyT]
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
think I am experiencing some some of block. I feel increidable energy building up and not flowing right, if that makes sense? I can't let go of preconceptions and stop analysing whats happening. Staying in the moment is very difficult. When I can I start to get violent vibrations surging through me. If I can remain relaxed and push through it its an extreme feeling of wholeness almost like leaving my body, incredible awareness. Sounds crazy I know. whats the best way to help clear the head and stay in the moment?

Oz
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

Top
#411849 - 09/30/12 04:21 PM Re: This shit is killing me [Re: COSC]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Oz,

This isn't crazy at all. If you're new to meditation, you'll have long periods where your body and mind want desperately to get up and move around when you're trying to sit peacefully. If you push through that to point where you're really feeling at peace, that might be a brief period of samadhi. The best way to stay in the moment is to not get attached to it. The minute you get worked up about the fact that something cool has happened you get very distracted and the peace goes away. It's helpful to think of the process of meditation as like the sea, flowing in waves. THere will be times/waves of practice that go smoothly and well, where you get sit in the moment for hours, and times/waves where it's impossible to quiet the mind at all. If you're really goal driven, seeking the peace or high of the wholeness, rather than just practicing, it's likely to take a lot longer. IN the end the super peaceful parts aren't better than the distracted parts. It's all part of a spectrum. The distracted parts show the depth of the still needed practice. When your mind won't sit still it can be helpful to step back and just watch its motion, like you're watching a movie, noting in brief descriptive terms what you see arising in the turbulence: distraction is arising in me, frustration is arising, peace is arising, etc.

Remember that you can also meditate in motion. So the really distracted times could be focused by meditating while walking or hiking, for example. Any small gestures can be turned into meditation.

The links I sent have some step by step meditations that you might enjoy.

Danny

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#411862 - 09/30/12 09:33 PM Re: This shit is killing me [Re: COSC]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
Hi Oz,

I can relate to what you are talking about. As far as what happened when you were younger, it was unfair but we cannot change what happened. I think part of the healing process is working towards finding greater levels of peace and acceptance with this stuff. As far as women go, I missed out on many opportunities in that realm courtesy of this stuff. I feel your pain. Just keep up the fight, and work on breaking though the anxiety. And along the way, you may feel embarrassed here and there, but you are human and that is okay. It can get better.

Eric

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#411887 - 10/01/12 06:51 AM Re: This shit is killing me [Re: DannyT]
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
Thanks for the advice Danny

Usually if I mention this stuff to anyone they think I've lost the plot.

Have felt that I put to much pressure on myself to 'perform' which is difficult to break away from. Good thing is, if I can let go and relax enough to reach the vibrational stage and beyond I can easily remain in the bliss for a few hours. I see what your saying about chasing it will slow my progress down. Just need to practice for the the sake of practice.

Hi Eric,

thanks for the feedback, yeah its the missed opportunities that plague me a lot and the embarrassment. Things are looking better today, medication hangover has gone thank fuk.

Oz
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

Top
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