Hi, my fraternal brother, Alden.
Sure is hell emotionally, mentally & physically on us isn't it?
How could a gay boy/man ever come to get married in the first place?
For me it came by accident, I got a lady pregnant. But I was not attracted to her in any way. I won't go into the details here how.
I will tell you that my "mom" was my first total abuser in every way shape & form, from the minute I came out from between her legs. Because of her i had learned how to hate & fear females. I became the "man" of the house at 8 yrs old and with all the ramifications that are associated with those words. It would be at that time that I had always wished & told her that I wished you were dead.
I was born gay. I always knew since i was 6 years old that I was gay. I never had anything to do with girls as a boy or as an adolescent. It wasn't until my mid to late 20's, that some females came into my life. I never have been able to form an emotional or mental bonding with a female.
I am still legally married but separated from my German wife of 39 years. I'll admit that she had given me 100%+ of herself and two fine sons. However I never had made an emotional & mental bonding with her. I showed absolutely none-zero emotions of feelings towards her. In her sickness or her health all those years. She had known that something was wrong with me, no emotions for her, but tons for my military buddies, my sons & grandsons. All males.
She had seen where every time that i had seen my sons that I would hug them, kiss them & tell them I love you. I had never done that for her. The same when it came to my grandsons and right up to this day I'll send them a daily e-mail telling them that I love them.
When all this came back into my conscious mind back in '08 and i was living hell to any one around me except with my boys.
I started therapy back in Germany, and my T suggested that if my wife agrees she can come to the sessions with me. She went with me twice. I let her and the T have the discussions. Boy did I ever get an ear full. Pete, gives me no emotional support I had almost died from a cancer operation, did he show me some compassion for my pains? No, doctor none-zero. He never tells me that I love you, except once in a blue moon. The same goes for hugs & kisses. When we are out he never holds my hand, when we go into a cafe together he will sit there staring out the windows, no conversation at all. Like i'm not even there. Then she made this statement to my T on our second & final T session together. Doctor, Pete was a lousy husband, but he was a good father to his boys & grandfather to his grand sons.
But doctor, when it comes to his boys, well now that is a different story & in a way it hurts me.
You see he will go to them give them a hug & kiss and tell them I love you. No matter where we are in a cafe, on the street in the house. Always, but nothing for me. Never. Why?
She had on numerous occasions said to our son over the years, I don't know why I have put up with your father for all these years.
I had already made arrangements to leave Germany & her forever and I had told her so. So on the 1st of March of '08 I just walked out the apartment door and her life. No hug, no kiss, no tears, no goodbye. No emotions from me for her, none-zero. I was never able to emotionally & mentally bond with her.
Just before I had left she had said to me "So you want to leave and go marry a man." That statement shook me to my roots. I had never given her any kind of a reason to think that.
I have since told her about me loving men as a boy/adolescent.
I had also told her and my T that no woman/female ever given me the emotional, mental & sexual bonding as I got from Ralph as a boy.
While in that orphanage/Home, i received my first taste of sweet, genuine, innocent & pure love with another gay boy there with me. We were together for almost 4 years. We were both 10-14 years old there.
As you know these problems with emotional & mental bonding with members of the opposite sex are tremendously challenging at best. When we do marry & then it comes to our conscious mind that we are and always were gay we realise that we have managed to destroy another persons life someone who genuinely fell in love with a man that she really didn't know.
At the same time that man most likely didn't know himself then either.
Prior to that August day in '08 I really didn't know me until then. But in hindsight my wife knew me better than I did.
I wish you well in coming to terms with yourself. I wish you both well if you try and work together on this.
Yes, Alden the feeling that it's all over is hell on us too. The guilt & shame of destroying another's life because of our CSA as boys/adolescents. Or because we were born gay.
I wish you well, I offer you my compassion, understanding & hope in healing. Heal well, my fraternal brother, Alden, heal well. You are not alone in this.
"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.