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#411830 - 09/30/12 11:50 AM He seems resentful that I am hurting
RachelMac Offline


Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
I've posted here a few times maybe a month or so ago. Sometimes I just read posts and feel encouraged about what everyone says and knowing that I am not alone in how I feel. Sometimes I feel bad liking that I am not alone. I hate that others out there feel like me frown

I am the wife of a survivor. Sometimes it's hard bearing so much emotional weight. Having to be strong for your family all the time and standing by someone who keeps hurting you. It can be exhausting. And so I come here and feel better, if but for a brief part of my day.

Sometimes I try to tell my husband how I am affected by him and hurt (lack of intimacy, feeling like I can't talk to anyone, feeling like I am missing out on a "normal" marriage, worrying that my son won't have the father he needs).

I want to be able to talk to him about how I am hurt. Is this something I shouldn't do until he is further along in the healing process? When I try to talk to him about my feelings, he says things like "you don't know what hurt is." Not having been abused, he's right. My emotional issues seem to not be able to compare. But I know that I am human and I have my own hurts. But I want him to hear and understand how things affect me. My thought for wanting that is maybe if he knows how things are negatively affecting my wellbeing, maybe it will cause him to start to want to change. He just doesn't seem like he can handle his crap as well as my own right now. Maybe this is just the part where I need to be strong and just deal right now.

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#411835 - 09/30/12 12:43 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
To support you, he doesn't need to take on your crap. He may have difficulty handling it, but that doesn't mean you should stuff your feelings.. With that said, you need a healthy outlet for your feelings, so getting your own therapist or going to a group meeting weekly (like alanon or coda - even if he isn't or wasn't an alcoholic, I'm told alanon is still a great support). We need to learn to heal ourselves and we need to learn to set boundaries to protect ourselves from further hurt. Emotional hurt is no a competition... his does not trump yours! Is your H going to therapy himself, because if he isn't, then the hurt he feels and inflicts of those he loves around him will continue. For me, it took a long time to realise the difference between telling my husband he "should" get therapy and setting the boundary that I could no longer tolerate his behaviour while he did nothing to help himself. I have no doubt he will stumble along the way to recovery, but as long as he continues to work towards recovery, then I will stand beside him as his wife. What I came to realise is that I could not stand by and watch him sabotage everything he achieved time and time again (not to mention the acting out, complete blindness to anyone else's needs and anger outbursts at the slightest comment that he perceived as an attack). This was not a relationship or a marriage. I was his caretaker, his metaphorical punching bag and his therapist, but had long ago ceased to be his wife, friend and lover. As damaged as he is/was, only he has the power to heal himself. It is OK to ask for more. In fact, if we don't we settle and I certainly wouldn't want to know anyone had "settled" for me.

His petulant remarks when you express your hurt is his child coming out. Calmly demand to be married to an adult. It will not happen over night, but it will NEVER happen unless you ask for it.

Be well.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#411837 - 09/30/12 01:12 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
RachelMac Offline


Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
I haven't been to a therapist about this yet. Neither has he. I am close to going and am willing to. He however thinks he doesn't need one and that therapy won't help. So I feel resentment--like why should I take time out of my busy day to see a therapist about issues he caused me to have when he won't go himself!! I think he's at the beginning stages of everything--he's still just remembering things that happened.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a caretaker too. He hasn't slept in the same bed as me for a very long time. He tells me I'm the one person he can trust with this secret of his. I'm the one person he feels safest around. Yet he can't sleep with me. I just want him next to me--not even sex. It's hard accepting that only he can heal himself sometimes (although I know thats true). I wish I could fix him. So many of my thoughts are about him. I know this is codependency stuff. But how I wish so much for him to wake up and realize what he needs to do to be better. Or if I'm wishing for things, I guess I just wish to wake up and this have all just been a bad nightmare.

I know this won't go away but I want to get to the point where we are okay. Where I feel him trying at least. No doubt that he will stumble along the way. But if I could just feel him trying...

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#411850 - 09/30/12 04:36 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
shortieg Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
I am the wife of a survivor, going through the same thing you are. I too have been having issues keeping it all together.. I will tell you, we are getting passed the no sex stuff, but it is still a very long battle.
I told h just today that I'm tired of being his babysitter, I feel like the exact same you do..
I am running into having no support system right now either, I may not be much help but I would be here to listen to ya. I know how good it feels to be able to just talk about it. Feel free to send me a personal message.. God bless Hun!

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#411851 - 09/30/12 05:25 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
Ginger37 Offline


Registered: 09/30/12
Posts: 11
I am the girl friend of a survivor. I have no magic answers because I could have written your post myself. The only upside is that mine sees he needs help but I think is afraid to go since I do not know if I can . I want him to get help and want to be there for him. I do know I can't tolerate anymore deceit. Many thoughts for you. I hope you can both the the help you need.

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#411853 - 09/30/12 05:58 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
Rachelmac,

"I want to be able to talk to him about how I am hurt. Is this something I shouldn't do until he is further along in the healing process? When I try to talk to him about my feelings, he says things like "you don't know what hurt is." Not having been abused, he's right. My emotional issues seem to not be able to compare. But I know that I am human and I have my own hurts"

Something that I have learned about hurt is that it is all relative to what you experience. It doesn't do us any good as humans to compare our pain and decide who's is the worst. Because the truth is no matter where a persons pain come from death, war, abuse, neglect, whatever at it's core it is the same pain. I have had friends tell me of their struggles and then offer a disclaimer of how they know that their pain is nothing compared to what I went through. That's a bunch of BS. And I could look at the children in Africa who are forced to rape their mothers and murder their parents and them become soldiers against their will and say. My pain is nothing compared to what they go through. I believe that this kind of thinking doesn't help anyone, and it doesn't heal anyone. I think that your pain in every way is just valid as his.
That being said it sounds like he may be so overwhelmed by his own pain that hearing about yours is just too much to handle.(right now at least) I know it is next to impossible to not take this personally but try not to. I'm in the same boat right now with my H.
I think that the most powerful thing that we can do as partners to help encourage our men to heal is to heal ourselves. Positive actions are very contagious. And I know I have said this before but it is so true that when we let our lights shine we give others permission to do the same. I'm currently realizing that I have a lot more baggage then I wanted to realize and dealing with it makes me feel empowered. I am half of this marriage and taking care of and growing my half gives me the sense of usefulness and power in the relationship that for years I felt I didn't have. Its a slow process but as I grow I see H growing to, it's hard and painful right now but I know that we are both working towards the common goal of happiness together. Even though we don't talk about anything like that yet I still see it. I would encourage you to go to therapy you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking steps to love and heal yourself. I want to validate you pain as real. And your struggle as long, exhausting, and scary. Peace be with you
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#411870 - 09/30/12 10:25 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
RachelMac Offline


Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
HD, your words really helped me. I am going to try to do positive actions and take care of myself. Thank you.

It's just so hard on those days when I really need to talk and want HIM to listen and he can't. It's lonely. The worst part is when I'm thinking and feel sad because I'm comparing my life to how it's "supposed to be." We had a plan and this was not it. It's also hard when I go out with friends and see them with their husbands and their husbands steal a kiss or touch them in the simplest way. I fight back tears whenever I see it. It used to be that way for us. frown

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#411875 - 09/30/12 11:03 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Rachel, I completely connect with what you are saying. I have a post here called "Things that keep me up at night" where I talk of my sadness (ok, self-pity) over what my marriage will likely never be, BUT, I am seeing it will be a whole lot more than it is now if I keep asking for it. You talked of resentment about getting your own therapy when he won't. I understand where this comes from, but hear this... You going to therapy has nothing to do with him. It is all and only for you. It's purpose is not to help you be "stronger" so you can carry more of his emotional load. Therapy will help you to detach from his emotional load and set boundaries that care for and protect your emotional well being. When you have done this, if you choose to, you will INCIDENTALLY be a better support to your H as well, but not because you will be carrying him, but because you will be standing separate, encouraging him and challenging him without being crushed under the weight of trying to heal him. Either way, you move forward and that is good. You deserve it... hell we all do!

I have a child with Aspergers, and I remember for some months after him being diagnosed and given the prognosis, I felt profoundly sad and felt cheated. I know that sounds selfish... but I had lost that feeling a mother has when she holds her healthy baby for the first time, that her child will and can be ANYTHING. I felt his diagnosis put a ceiling on this. It's been three years since his diagnosis and I see how foolish I was... Not because he can be "anything", but because we all have strengths and weaknesses and life is about acknowledging and embracing our weaknesses and learning to overcome and flourish in new ways we didn't know existed. We can't predict anything in life. My marriage, my life and my children did not turn out at all like I had envisioned, but while there are difficulties I hadn't expected, there are more wonderful aspect I hadn't expected as well. I know it is very, very difficult to see the light and beauty in yourself, in your H and in your life together, but it is there.

Someone wrote (and I think it was HD) that in each of us is a wolf of darkness and one of divine light and they are in constant battle, The wolf that wins is the one we feed. This story touched me because it is a perfect metaphor for something so very true! I try to remind myself to feed the right one all the time and it helps to allow me to embrace the moment and find the beauty.

Sadness is good (even if it feels bad), because we are feeling and processing, but resentment and guilt (which I also seesaw back and forth between at times) don't help me to improve my life at all. They keep me stuck in the place that I don't want to be in.

Forgive yourself for not being able to fix him and forgive him for not yet having the courage to face his recovery so he can be a more complete husband and father. Forgiveness does not mean you give up your need to be married to a man that wants these thing for himself too, but it allows you to let go of resentment.

I really hope you choose to help yourself and maybe you will end up being a model for your H to do the same.

And when it feels hopeless and dark, come here and listen and be listened to. We have all felt what you feel is some form or another. We will honour your pain, process and listen to you.

Be well.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#411878 - 09/30/12 11:42 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
RachelMac Offline


Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
Thank you CdnDW. That was very encouraging. I read your post and feel like I can go to bed with some hope. And that wolf metaphor is pretty smart--I like it!

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#411896 - 10/01/12 10:17 AM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey Rachel,

You have every right to expect your marriage to be everything you want/need it to be. Your husband is in a marriage, for goodness sake. That means that he has to be a MAN, not a child.

None of us has cornered the market on pain. It's not a competition, and we don't get anything if we "win." You have the RIGHT to your feelings. Period. They're real. And your needs are real. That's a reality that, as survivors, I'm convinced that we HAVE TO EMBRACE. My job, in my marriage, is to make sure the experience is a positive one for my wife. If our marriage doesn't work, it won't be because of fate or anything. It'll be because it didn't do for us what we need it to do.

So... yeah. HD is absolutely right.

And for God's sake! Get therapy! What are you waiting for? If it's money, I'm so sorry. But believe me, it's worth it. I'm paying off my therapy bills and will for a long time, A LONG TIME! But I can promise you that it's money well spent.

Good luck.

Bob

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#411932 - 10/01/12 08:02 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
RachelMac Offline


Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
Thanks Robert--it's not money that is keeping me from therapy. It is this feeling like why should I be in therapy if he isn't willing to go. It pisses me off. But as HD said above, I should be a positive example.

Today he told me he's good at pushing things down deep inside. I told him he isn't because it's very obvious to me and all our friends and family that he is a different person these days. So he said, "Not a lot of people would still have the guts to face life that have walked in my shoes." I get that his life has been difficult, but he's basically saying he is living and getting by. Well our marriage suffers because of everything. I don't want to just "get by." I want the person I married back. I don't want "good enough." I want all the good things I deserve. I don't want to have to wait around for an undetermined amount of time because he may or may not get well.

I struggle between throwing the towel in and just starting MY life over and being the type of person that will wait because they're promised that the husband will get better. When is enough enough? How does one determine if it is worth it to stay or better to go? I mean I love him and I want it to work, but am I just holding on to what things used to be in hopes they will be that way again? I read a quote, "what screws us up most in life is the image in our head of how things are supposed to be." So true.

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#411984 - 10/02/12 12:02 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Pushing stuff down inside is not a long-term solution. I hate to say it so bluntly, but it isn't.

Also, as to your quote, I might buy it if what you're holding up as the image of life is something that's "normal." There's no such thing as normal, as we all know.... But, it's totally realistic to expect that your marriage and your partner can meet your needs. That's not asking too much.

The main thing is, you husband has to try. He has to try. And pushing things deep down inside doesn't count. That's a copout. He actually has to deal with things, because his abuse and his own attempts to deal with it continue to create problems in his life. That's kind of the secret of trauma. The trauma itself may be long gone, but the things that we did as children to save ourselves become something that we eventually have to save ourselves from, if you follow me.

Bob

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#411992 - 10/02/12 01:00 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
Hey Rachel,

I can relate to what you are saying. Some days I feel a lot of hope, and some days I just want to pack my car and drive away. To stay of to go is a very hard question and one that only you can answer.
In my head I think what if it was me? What if was my H, would I want my partner to leave? What if someday I get injured and am in a wheelchair or become very ill and need care, would I want H to leave me? Well no I wouldn't and if he did it would break my heart. Personally my vows were in sickness and in health and I see my H as being sick mentally, because of his abuse. Now that's not to say I will put up with anything if he beat me or had affairs I would consider our vows broken but everyone is different. What is the last straw for one person is not for another and it's a very personal decision.
I know how painful it is. A lot of the time I feel like my H doesn't even love me. I know he cares about me but I just don't see how you can be so cruel to someone that you love. He never says anything nice to me, unless I ask him to. He doesn't take responsibility for his actions doesn't want to see how much he hurts others. I feel a lot of the time like he is a defiant 14 year old. Therapy is helping me focus more on myself little by little. It is helping me not put so much weight on his actions. I felt like you did for a long time. Thinking that HE needed to be the one in that chair not me. But the truth is that after 5 years of this stuff I have been traumatized too, I have a lot of anger and pain inside that is hurting me by not letting it go. It sounds like maybe you do as well. And after all you have been through with this you deserve support and place to vent and clear you mind. I think this is what therapy can offer you. I know it is helping me a lot. Just wanted to share my experience.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#412012 - 10/02/12 05:50 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Rachel Hi

Sorry for your pain. It is very tiring for you to have to deal with all of this.
Remember one thing, Your husband is not the only person hurting here. He does not have soul claim to pain. YOU have also been abused and manipulated for as long as you have been with your husband.

Just read your own post,I read about someone that has been beaten down by life with a survivor, someone that is listless and worn down, mentally tired and emotionally drained.
So next time he drones on about how sad his life is, remember that you to have not had the best hand dealt to you. I dont know which pervert abused him, but you are being abused by someone that is supposed to love you.
Please get yourself into an Al-Anon group or a CODA group and get yourself a support structure.
If you are not well, the potent force that is woman, cannot help the family to get through this.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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