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#404370 - 07/22/12 02:14 PM Just discovered I was abused.
boy_indenial Offline


Registered: 07/22/12
Posts: 6
It is very hard to write about this, but last Thursday I found out my mother abused me when I was a boy. It has been tough since then and I am still shocked. I have behaved in many self-destructive ways during my entire life, this is why I have visited many therapists in past ten years.

When I was eleven my I started losing my hair and I grew with no body hair at all, being a teen ager in such conditions was really hard and depressing, not to mention that I had lots of trouble with girls. After a lot therapies I found EMDR (www.emdr.com) which has the only method that has stopped most of my self-desdestructive behaviors (alcohol abuse, anger, rage, exposing myself to very risky situations and a long list of etceteras). Even though I made some progress I felt there was one issue that needed to be treated, but when I tried I couldn't remember what.

This Thursday the memory came finally into light and it is me having sex with my mother (I can not call her mom anymore) and not 1 but many times. This was blocked in my mind for it is very painful and you can imagine what this traumatic events made to the poor little boy I was 35 years ago. Initially I was sexually aroused and even had thoughts of visiting my mother to have some more sex, at first the memory was not bad, as matter of fact it was very pleasant yet the images that came to my mind were not very clear. I still don't remember what was exactly that my mother made me, but during the therapy it was came out another fact: this incest relationship stopped all of the sudden around the time I was 10 and this event might have triggered my alophecia.

I guess this must have been OK for a boy to make the Edipo sindrome come true and I don't remember being forced or not wanting to have sex with my mother. I remember my mother was everything to me and losing that form of her affection was devastating. I know this is wrong, having sex my mother is not Ok and should be the painful memory and the other way around.

Right now I am very confused, but I know I have to work and I also know I am on the right track for finally getting over it.

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#404380 - 07/22/12 04:04 PM Re: Just discovered I was abused. [Re: boy_indenial]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Boy,

That is the right path, it is difficult but effective. Survivors often find ways to heal the symptoms of sexual abuse, the coping mechanisms and the acting out before they realize that the real issue is the sexual abuse.

Incestuous relationships with a parental figure, in this case a mother, can leave an abuse victim with sexually stimulated responses and a sense that this was somehow an extension of the bond. She may not have forced you, except through the term "by the color of authority", which implies that as a minor not 10 years old, you had no concept that what she was doing was endangering you and well beyond her role as your protector and nurturer. Her actions in this case, while not rape or physical harm are still very much sexual abuse.

Since this is a recent reveal, you must be spinning as the emotional support of your life is suddenly one of the main reasons for the emotional chaos in your life. You must feel destroyed, but I assure you, that is not the case. You have a strong desire to heal from this, to survive and to have a victory over this trauma.

It is confusing, your reason and understanding conflicting with the memories and emotions, but you will begin to stabilize with further investigation of the abuse and the support you are receiving to heal.

You are welcome here boy_indenial, and I look forward to your recovery healing through your posts and replies,

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#404418 - 07/22/12 10:41 PM Re: Just discovered I was abused. [Re: boy_indenial]
boy_indenial Offline


Registered: 07/22/12
Posts: 6
Thank you Sam, having this kind of support is very helpful to me. I have kept this in secret for a long time and right now I just want to speak it out, but it is not easy to find someone who will believe and understand.

I am having a hard time moving out from the denial. I still find it hard to believe, my mother has shown the world the image of a devoted mother, very religious and always good intetioned, I still recall one time that she was mad at me because she found me some porn in my drawers, as in any catholic mexican family sex was seen as evil. This is why I find hard to believe.

But I guess you have read the Kali Munro article on the internet and I can confirm I have all of the symptoms mentioned there. On the other hand I have a clear memory of me laying on the floor while my mother was on the phone, I was laying just beneath her lookin directly to her underwear. I think she knew what I was doing and why, bu she never told me anything to stop that behavior.

As I wrote in my initial post the images didn't appear very clear to me, but one thing is for sure, something very traumatic happened to me when I was a boy, sex is related to this event and no doubt my mother is involved.

I just called my dad and my mother answered the phone, I could not tell her anything. I don't want to hate her anymore, I don't want to live like that anymore. I just want to heal.

regards,

boy_indenial

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#404577 - 07/24/12 02:44 AM Re: Just discovered I was abused. [Re: boy_indenial]
Vadrian Offline


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific
Yes, my own mother sexually abused me but later became very upset and punitive about the idea that I was "touching myself," she yelled if I ever said a curse word, etc. These people were mentally ill, they are not going to be consistent. We dissociated when we were sexually abused, and it's just as possible that our abusers were dissociative but to a much higher degree.

You say you don't remember being forced; it is very possible that she groomed you from a very young age in overt or covert ways to accept her molestation and that you just can't recall that right now. Please don't think of it as having sex with your mother; you were sexually abused by her. The entire incest family system is deeply sick. Healing involves listening to and allowing your emotions to go where they please. If you hate your mother, good; you have valid reasons too, continuing to pretend nothing happened can't aide your health.

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#404593 - 07/24/12 09:07 AM Re: Just discovered I was abused. [Re: boy_indenial]
boy_indenial Offline


Registered: 07/22/12
Posts: 6
Yes I understand what you saying "pretending nothing happened can't aide your health". But I have punished my mother as well over the past 35 years, I have been mean to her in many ways.

When I Say "I don't want to hate her anymore" I am trying to say "I want to be happy, I want to heal and most of all I don't have any hard feelings, because if I still hate someone, then I am not healed yet". I am 46, I have spent most of my life hating someone, my wife who had nothing to do with had happened to me has been my scape goat and that is so unfair. This is why I don't want to hate anymore.

I know that in order to heal completely I have to go through some more painful memories and I am willing to take the bull by the horns.

I thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, honestly this feeling of not beeing alone in this journey is really priceless.

best

boy_in_denial (slowly_but_putting_denial_behind)

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#404605 - 07/24/12 11:11 AM Re: Just discovered I was abused. [Re: boy_indenial]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
Hello.

You are certainly in the right place to heal from this and I really hope talking to the men here helps you.

I absolutely understand your desire not to be consumed with anger, however when I here myself that an adult could do such a thing to a child, and the distortions and terrible after effects it has throughout someone's life, it makes me! feel angry, because it is! wrong.

Imagine for yourself that you heard that a child under 10 had had sex with their parent. if it makes it easier, imagine that it was a girl and her father sinse at least as far as the wrong goes, it's very much the same.

I'm not suggesting you should!hate your mother for doing this, indeed as far as emotions go I don't think the word "should" can ever be used, as it's very much your own business to work through. However, I do wonder if you do feel some reluctance to accept this as a serious hurt, in order to unravel all the consequences of the abuse and move beyond it. Remember after all, what Oedipus mother did to him is regarded as a tragedy and was condemned even in the time of the Grieks for a reason.

I could be utterly wrong on this, I'm just going on what you've said thus far, and if I'm completely off here I absolutely appologize.

I really hope you find on this sight the hope and healing you deserve, and can move beyond this into the future.

Luke.

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#404699 - 07/25/12 12:14 AM Re: Just discovered I was abused. [Re: boy_indenial]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
yeah - the greeks were great role models - encouraged pedophilia especially adult men with young boys - but frowned on guys sleeping with their moms! (BTW - Oedipus and his mother's incest came about by accident - they were both trying to prevent the fulfillment of a prophecy - and blundered straight into it by misguided but well-meaning actions - neither of them knew who the other really was until it was too late. (sorry - lit/drama teacher in me coming out!)

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#404709 - 07/25/12 01:41 AM Re: Just discovered I was abused. [Re: boy_indenial]
boy_indenial Offline


Registered: 07/22/12
Posts: 6
It's almost 1:00am for me. I've just had a shot of tequila (I am mexican and thatīs just a starting point for us so it's a long way before I get drunk which is not in my plans anymore).

I guess I've just got what you guys are trying to tell me since the beginning, at first when the images came out during therapy I thought the dramatic incident was when these events stopped, but NO WAY!!! now I realize the damage started the first time it ocurred and idea of losing it drove me crazy at the time, but that's just another sign of my mother has caused emotional damage.

I can't thank you guys enough.

boy

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#404718 - 07/25/12 03:25 AM Re: Just discovered I was abused. [Re: boy_indenial]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
@boy, Glad some of this was helpful. I actually know myself just how difficult recognizing the full extent of the damage done by abuse is, indeed I assumed for quite a long while that I didn't need to do anything about it or seak assistance because I remembered what had happened. Congrats on taking that step, and also on beginning to deal with it by being here. It's not an easy path, but one you deserve credit for starting down.

Oh lee, despite being a philosophy student I don't think the grieks got everything right at all. I particularly love Plato's idea that sinse men were better at women in everything! including housework, cooking, looking after children and all traditional female tasks, their shouldn't be any gender descrimination sinse women should be allowed to be universally bad at everything, rather than only be specifically bad at a few things laugh.

I just had Oedipus in mind as a Percell Aria I learnt recently was from his oedipus Oppereta.

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#411767 - 09/29/12 01:01 PM Re: Just discovered I was abused. [Re: boy_indenial]
LAV25 Offline


Registered: 09/27/12
Posts: 18
I can relate to you my step mother foricbly had sex with me she penetrated me a few times.
_________________________
you can't take my strength

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