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#411690 - 09/28/12 04:19 PM He says Im manipulating him
Thulas Offline


Registered: 07/13/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Hubby wants a second child. I calmly tell him my fears around that. He once abandoned me while pregnant and I dont trust him. I say until he gets into therapy I fear getting a child for fear of his emotional and perhaps physical absence again. He says Im lying and manipulative. I told hi that I am standing my ground and not gonna chnge my mind. In as much as I would like to have another child I am not making the mstake of travelling te journey alone. whats your take fokes... am manipulating him?
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If you want to accomplish the goals of your life, you have to begin with the spirit.

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#411696 - 09/28/12 05:38 PM Re: He says Im manipulating him [Re: Thulas]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
No. Will you please ask your husband to read this? You care about him. You want him to be a reliable partner. You want him to be a reliable dad. It sounds like he wants to be both a dad and a partner. It sounds like he probably wanted that before, too.... Except he wasn't. So it's clear that just because he wants something, it isn't so. (That in itself is ONE EXCELLENT REASON to go to therapy. That's why I went to therapy. I was doing things that I didn't want to do, and I couldn't understand why.)

My point is that you're being straightforward. You've told him to get therapy, and then you'll talk about another child. That's fair. It's reasonable.

When a person is manipulative, they're not being straightforward. They're manipulating. Not influencing. Not laying out boundaries. Not describing behavior that's acceptable and other behavior that's not.

Bob

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#411697 - 09/28/12 05:39 PM Re: He says Im manipulating him [Re: Thulas]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
By the way, I'm no expert, but I think that every survivor of sexual assault should get therapy, and lots of it.

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#411698 - 09/28/12 05:39 PM Re: He says Im manipulating him [Re: Thulas]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
You are absolutely making the right decision. You are not manipulating him.

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#411708 - 09/28/12 07:35 PM Re: He says Im manipulating him [Re: Thulas]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
When a person is "manipulative", what comes to mind? What I think of is someone's hands on my shoulders, directing me where I do not have a choice to go. Your husband, good Thulas, has a choice. He can choose to begin to respect you for the person he married, the reason he chose to pursue you in marriage. You are the responsible one, the one who gives him stability, the one who takes his creative impulses and furious motivations and turns them into stable foundations. You give him another day and you have an excellent track record.

He needs to know what he knew when he married you, remind him. When he sees the reasoning that you are the one who brings order to the chaos and light to the darkness, then tell him you and he are one and you like it that way. Creating a child will not change that, nor will not having a child. Right now the one who co-creates a successful life with him asks him to be patient, to see the solidity of the partnership, the efforts you are extending to him in this union.

Tell him as is your right, let him know that both of you have worked hard this far. Use terms such as "I am hurt when you accuse me" or "I am sad when you speak that way" and be open, you want you and him together. Conversation is like a game of catch the ball, one tosses the ball in such a way so the other can catch it without hurting themselves.

My best to you both,
Sam
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