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#411669 - 09/28/12 01:30 PM 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?**
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
well, tomorrow I see a new T. actually, no - I see the old T I left a year ago. no time to try to figure things out and "explore" my possibilities - my mistake was going to the WoR without a T waiting when I got back. A mistake I won't be making again. I'm sure it hits different people differently - me it hit like a downhill freight train.
Right now I wish I'd never started this whole thing. When I first thought "hmmm .. abuse?" - that would have been when to quit. Before I had confirmation. Before the memories. Before my anger started going off the charts at the SLIGHTEST provocation. I can now say I believe I was better off not knowing.
Many of you that deal with your memories, and have been for years - I have no idea how you do it. It's too much for me. I don't know how to cope. My wife was unsure about me before - you should see her back away now. How I've kept my job since getting back is a miracle in itself.
To have suspected "foul play" was one thing, to know RAPE is another. I can't stand to look at myself. I can't stand ... anything about me.
Someone show me the exit, I wanna get off this ride. please.
_________________________
the story
https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#411679 - 09/28/12 02:55 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on ((((Mark))),
I hope tomorrow will be kinder.
I know that life is terrible difficult; you are not alone brother.


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#411682 - 09/28/12 03:10 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 307
Keep at it, Mark. This is the path toward healing, but there's only one way to get from here to there and unfortunately it's through the fire. Have courage. The pain will pass. The healing has already begun. Thanks for sharing. It will get better.
Bob

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#411686 - 09/28/12 04:07 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 588
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
We're here together Mark!!! We breathe in and we breathe out. We look at ourselves another day and make a few different choices. We find people that accept and appreciate us, even honor us for our journey. We find understanding and love, and sometimes rejection and pain. We get up again, rinse and repeat. Sometimes it is just different, and we are lighter and renewed. We think better thoughts about ourselves, reach out and connect with others, have new experiences, relive old memories, sometimes fall back into the trauma, and breathe.... rinse and repeat. We keep stretching and growing and recognizing that change take time. We make a new commitment to do one thing different. We try a new sport, make a new friend, allow ourselves to be vulnerable with someone we trust. We learn to love ourselves.

It is possible. It is a long road with many ups and downs.

That's all I know.

Bless you brother!!!


Edited by risingagain (09/28/12 04:08 PM)

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#411688 - 09/28/12 04:10 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 588
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
I wanted to say one other thing... is that even my deepest pain, which I think is pretty deep, has never killed me... my running from it on the other hand, nearly has.

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#411689 - 09/28/12 04:12 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 588
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
You survived brother! Half the battle is over! The rest may be difficult, but it is gravy compared to what you have already won.

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#411693 - 09/28/12 05:06 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: Robert1000]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my, fraternal brothers.

Yep, we sure know all about those steps forward as hard as they come. We also know all to well about those steps backwards.

If you are like me I'll spend way too much time dwelling on those backwards ones, Why?

Mark,You have been here in MS longer than I have. We have shared our hurts & fears together. We have shared our secrets together.
Most importantly we have offered each other our compassion, understanding & hope for one another.

Wish I never started this whole thing.
Way back in August of '08, I felt the same way about all of this. I was 69 1/2 years old when it all came together. I was headed for an emotional & mental breakdown. I was in deep confusion with my various emotions, hating one abuser, wishing she was dead. Then on the other abuser I fell in love with him genuine love that would keep him a huge part of my adult life. I needed help and fast. Sitting in the dark where no one could see me trembling, tearing up, nose dripping, etc. I told myself why couldn't I have carried all this stuff to my grave? Why now so late in life?

Well, my brother Mark, like you I've been in therapy for a few years. But most of all I've been to four WoR"s weekends that would be emotionally, mentally & physically exhausting. Once again telling my deepest secrets to a group of "strangers." A senior citizen amongst his younger peers. At each one of those WoR's & from every post that I have made here, I have come to learn more about myself in these past four years that I ever knew in my previous 69 1/2 years on earth. Now I know most of the why's on how I have lead the life that I have. My attitude towards females. My lack of respect for authority. My mistrust of others. My real sexuality, to name a few.

On my first WoR, at Dahlonega, Georgia in '09. I had received my inner child back. Little/young Pete, I was elated to have him back. I was in the infinity of the heavens, that's how high I was emotionally & mentally. Little by little young Pete was reminding me of some things long forgotten, things that would come home to roost less than a year later, when I got myself way too overwhelmed, way too deep inside of myself. Conflicting feelings, wild swinging emotions, etc. I was in deep clinical depression. I was ready to make the ultimate solution in ending my pain, guilt, shame & love. I was standing at the gates of hell, ready to take that final step across that line.
A voice came into my conscious mind, big Pete make the most important telephone call of your life now. I did, I got help, I was locked up for my own protection.
While there, that young Pete came back to me, telling me that I ought to be ashamed of myself because I thought that we were too old to deal with this. It hurts too much. It's taking it's toll on us emotionally, mentally & physically. Ready to take the ultimate solution in ending it. He reminded the big Pete that he (young Pete) had SURVIVED with his SECRETS for 69 1/2 years. And, YOU big Pete thought it was too tough to deal with for one year. My (young Pete's) 69 1/2 years to your one full year in therapy. I'm ashamed of you.

I am glad that this all came to the surface during my lifetime for one reason. I didn't know ME until now. Is it worth it? You bet. Has it been easy? No way. Will I have my doubts about becoming that SURVIVOR? You bet. Will I doubt myself on certain beliefs that I have held on to for all of my adult life? You bet.

So far for me, my brothers, it has been worth every flashback, every dream, every hurt, every feeling of guilt, shame, deep depression & worthlessness. Every emotional & mental feelings good or bad.

I had promised that young Pete, back in '09 in Dahlonega, Georgia, when I held on to him for dear life, hugging & kissing him, telling him that i love him, I'm never going to let you go. Yep, through it all I'm damn glad that I DIDN'T take it to my grave, as I would have lived a life not knowing about the real me. That courageous young boy who already had learned what he had to do to survive things that he could neither comprehend nor understand. We sure do now.

My brothers here, I offer the only thing that, that young boy/man named Pete possess, that's his compassion, understanding hope & love for his brothers here in MS.

My brother Mark, please never give up hope, never. This will pass, you will become stronger. you will become a SURVIVOR.

I hope that this long winded reply is of help and encouragement.

Wishing you all well in healing.

"I will take that lost boys hand & I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#411700 - 09/28/12 06:11 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1427
Mark

It is a process, slowly you move ahead after a few starts, a few steps back, but in time the steps forward begin to outnumber those that take you back. It can be a roller coaster of a ride but in as you begin to heal and start to feel emotions and an improved perception of yourself, it makes you want more. So don't give up, vent and never be ashamed to feel sad, it is part of healing facing the horrible deeds that were done. Good luck

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#411706 - 09/28/12 07:18 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
SamV Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5924
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
What do you think so far Mark? Before I add to this very good thread, I would like to know... has some of this worked in the past? Is anything here looking promising?

At one point in my life, none of the above made any sense to my rage, to my hurt, to the abuse and the scar it left on my heart. Now is a different story, thank goodness for those steps back. Before I was 10 steps forward and none back, and I lived the agony. Recovery was about 1 forward and 9 back allowing me to connect with the abused self and bring him forward, with loving kindness. Now I am more forward than back the abuse making me a more kind, compassionate man, ready to accept and be open about me and my causes. I was angry at them and at me, now I am not angry. The answers are coming.
_________________________
My SENSITIVE Difference

"Lets talk about that."

Go Get A Hug: HUG>porn

*When provoked* "Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge. (Proverbs 17:27)"

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#411711 - 09/28/12 08:00 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1362
Loc: California
In hindsight, all the steps backwards I thought I was taking were absolutely necessary.

I *loved* what Sasuva just said ... "recovery was about 1 forward and 9 back allowing me to connect with the abused self AND BRING HIM FORWARD". Brilliant. Bloody brilliant.

Thanks for helping me make sense of my own recovery by sharing your questions with us.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#411715 - 09/28/12 09:17 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Mark,

About a month ago I said exactly the same thing: "Let me off this F-ing train". But my other alternatives were worse so I stayed on board, and guess what...things started to get better. Stay the course and it will get better for you brother.

Gary
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#411768 - 09/29/12 03:39 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
had session - not feeling worlds better, but a little bit. having a T again is a good feeling. and he's someone i know. have another appointment with him Monday evening and a group support meeting on Tuesday.
Maybe if i can keep myself busy enough, i won't notice how i feel...

Thanks everyone who's written and urged me onward. Your voices of support are appreciated and so very very needed right now.
_________________________
the story
https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#411811 - 09/30/12 06:35 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3193
Loc: back in the USA
Mark -

one thing i have learned from the "1 step forward, 9 steps back" scenarios in my own life is - it will be easier to find the way back to where you were at your furthest forward point because you've been there before. those next 10 steps won't be nearly as hard the next time because you already know the way. sometimes i find it better not to try to look too far ahead or too far back. just the next step...

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#411892 - 10/01/12 09:10 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: traveler]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: traveler
it will be easier to find the way back to where you were at your furthest forward point because you've been there before. those next 10 steps won't be nearly as hard the next time because you already know the way.
this works unless someone has moved the stones ...
Originally Posted By: traveler
sometimes i find it better not to try to look too far ahead or too far back. just the next step...
But this is very true. I keep looking WAY out there, which means my gaze is nowhere near where my feet need to go....

if it just didn't make me so rageful
_________________________
the story
https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#411894 - 10/01/12 09:53 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
Hey Mark!

Don't beat yourself up too bad. WoR's are good and at the same time they literally kick our @$$es!

I remember that WoR way way back in 2008. I also seem to remember a time when you said you'd never do that again, yet you did! I see that as a positive step.

Sure we all have the forward/backward movement path as we deal with this stuff, and it's completely ok. Slipping back a bit doesn't mean your a failure.

I have 3 kids and as each one grows, they move a little farther out there on there own... then suddenly realize.. whoops too far!! So they run back to a place where they are comfortable again. But in time, they can go even further then they tried before.

My own healing has been the same way, go out there.... and have to move back a bit for a time, but in time I can go even farther!

Keep up the good work though. Any progress is better than no progress!

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#411971 - 10/02/12 08:40 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
I'll grant you "any progress is better than no progress" - but I'm not making progress, I'm slipping back to where I was before - almost to where I was when I started this "journey of discovery".
Maybe I'm just too old or too tired, but I don't know if I can do this. I'm sorry Scott - I'm sorry everybody. I want to believe recovery works, I see it in others, I just have none for me.
_________________________
the story
https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#411972 - 10/02/12 08:48 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Mark, don't be sorry.
Things are what they are and even it could look bad, it is important to be honest.
I see it as you are trying and giving your best no matter on obstacles...
_________________________
My story

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#411973 - 10/02/12 09:00 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
SamV Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5924
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
There is no apology necessary Mark. "Backwards" IS recovery Forward. Progress in recovery is going backwards to find where we left ourselves hurt, abused, rejected and afraid. We discover us then. If, for example, we were abused when we were 6 years old, then that part of ourselves, the six year old would be frozen there, terrified, shocked. He is still in us. Fast forward to today, and a situation trigger comes up that accesses our six year old abused self. How do we react? As a terrified, abused, shocked six year old, of course. We yell, scream, throw things, flail our arms, bang our heads, punch walls and run away. We hide, isolate, tremble, feelings of unfairness and uncertainty overwhelm us, there is no consolation. Anger is amplified fear. If a survivor is accessing overwhelming anger, then he is very close to the fear. It gets stronger as we get closer to it. Until, yes.., until that sweet release, when we feel just the fear, and learn to love the little boy that is shivering in the recesses of our hearts and minds. What would we do if we found a six year old boy alone and crying in a mall? We would ask him what he knows, kneel in front of him, look him in the eye and really listen, then we would take him to the information desk or security and make sure he is well taken care of. We would take a break from him, then go back and check up on him. His guardian has found him, they embrace, his face cleaned, his nose blown, he gladly takes the hand of his protector. They walk away, into the sunlight.., safe, confident.

You are his guardian.

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#411991 - 10/02/12 12:42 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: SamV]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

My brother, Mark.

Back in August '10, this old boy was sitting on the patio on a hot Texas morning. I was working in the heat & stopped for a drink & a bit of rest in the shade. I was having flashbacks while I was working but tried to ignore it.
I'm sitting in a rocker on the patio, all of a sudden I felt very tired, could hardly keep my eyes open, my breathing was shallow & my heart seemed like it was hardly beating.
A voice came into my mind, telling me Pete, we're too old (71), we're too tired, we're hurting real bad, and it's too tough for us to handle. It's taking too much of our physical & mental health. Pull the plug Pete, end our pain & shame forever. Then I came back into the real world, what in the hell is going on with me? Never in my life had I ever had those kinds of feelings. It seemed like a fleeting thought, not lasting more that perhaps a minute or two.I tried to ground myself. I tried to concentrate on my upcoming WoR at Alta a month away.

Exactly 2 weeks to the day, I was driving to the post office when those voices came back to my conscious mind. But this time they were not fleeting thoughts,I could not shake them, my heart started to beat like a drum, I was shaking,those memories were flooding my mind, I started tearing up, I was headed for an mental breakdown, I pulled over into a rest area in town as I was too far gone mentally to safely drive any further. Those voices we're not going to just fade away. Fortunately I have OnStar in my pickup, through all those other voices came another drowning out the others, it was my inner child, young Pete, telling me to make the most important telephone call in your life. I could hardly move, let alone see the button for the OnStar connection. I had in my pickup the VA hot line mental clinic telephone number. I asked the operator to please connect me as I'm in deep trouble, she did & a calming voice started talking to me, slowly getting me calmed down & grounded. She asked me if I am capable of driving, I told her not at that moment, well do you think that you would be able to drive a bit later after you have calmed down? I think so. Well OK, Pete get here as fast as you can, safely. Check into the mental health clinic & a doctor will be waiting for you. I checked both of us in. Both of us?? Yes sir as my inner child told me to come here, the big guy was thinking of harming himself, ending our pain, because he was too old, it hurt too much. I've (young Pete) has survived for these past 69 1/2 years alone, in the depths of hell. And after just one year in consciously trying to work through all of this in therapy, HE, THOUGHT IT WAS TOO TOUGH, He was thinking of ending it all.
The little guy during our lock up came back to me, telling me in no uncertain terms that he is ashamed of the big guy.
Hey, I got us to 69 1/2 years, thought it was time that you would like to know about me, and why we have lived our life the way that we have. Big Pete, my 69 1/2 years to your one, too tough, big guy? I'm ashamed of you, come on old man, we have some living to do.

Yes, Mark, you've been down this road also, i'm sure. Our up's and downs.Our deep pain, guilt & shame. Our triumphs & failures. Our emotional & mental swings. Doubting if we will ever reach that ever elusive goal of becoming that SURVIVOR.

When I got my inner child back in '08 at that WoR in Georgia.

I held on to him for dear life, I hugged & kissed him, told him that he was always a good boy. I told him that I will never let you go. Then I made a solemn vow to him..and I repeat it almost in every post that I make here & in PM's.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As HE is ME.

Has that vow been easy to keep? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Like you, my brother Mark, we second guess & doubt ourselfs quite often. That goal line keeps moving. We want to give up. But, that little boy is depending on us, there are times when I think that he should lead as I make some pretty emotional & mental mistakes in dealing with this.

Once again, young Pete extends to his young brother Mark, his compassion, understanding, hope & love, in staying the course.

Once again, big Pete, extends to his hurting brother, Mark, his compassion, understanding, hope & love and the courage to stay the course.

We can do no less for that young boy within us as HE is US.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.
Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#411995 - 10/02/12 01:26 PM * [Re: MarkK]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:24 PM)

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#412063 - 10/03/12 07:27 AM . [Re: MarkK]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:35 PM)

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#412074 - 10/03/12 10:14 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
ok, i've tried twice already to answer, the last time i was putting my last period in place and the stupid PC rebooted.....
so - one more time...

Life - you are too young to be thinking about "meeting the same fortune" as me. Breathe. Slow down. I understand the feeling, but you (hopefully) still have some health to get you outside for walks, maybe bike rides? anything to stimulate other areas of your brain while working your muscles.
And BREATHE

Gary - "epic meltdown" ... i like that phrase .. it belongs in a poem ... or song .. or something ... mind if I run off with it? No? Kewl - thanks for sharing it! smile
Seriously tho - you're right - the fact I'm still in here trying to dig out means ... something. My brain appreciates it I guess - but my heart ... it's just not in it anymore.

Moose (Pete) - my good friend. We have walked a few miles through these forums side by side - passed each other sometimes or been on parallel routes. Your consistent, steadfast friendship is a mighty help and reminder that I can always go at least another day. Thank you for being who you are!

Sam - backwards is the new forwards? I missed that announcement wink
Seriously - the analogy was on spot and well timed. As always, you come through with some truth that deserves being examined.
Thanks!!

Pero - thank you. My mind understands what you are saying, but my heart thinks that if this is my best i'm in serious trouble. And right now, I'm being led a lot by the heart. Tho I do appreciate your sharing!!

Scott - I know I've responded once - but you reminded me of something big. I did say no more after Kirkridge, then 4 years later - I was back. But I still didn't make it thru the last exercises frown I do have intentions of going again in two years and making it through ALL the weekend. And that is a goal - something to hold onto. Thank you for helping me think about what I [i]have[i] gained from the WoRs.
_________________________
the story
https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#412077 - 10/03/12 11:40 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Well Mark I like your responses to all of us smile
Now question to your heart, what have you done these last years that was good about your recovery?
Give us something, anything smile ?
You know when I've read Victims no longer I was very surprised when I've read somewhere how many survivors are perfectionist at one side and at other have negative self image buried deep down.
Well your reply to all of us as well as your kind of "dissatisfaction" that flips from time to time somehow reminds me on all of that.
Please forgive me but I'm trying to keep open discussion on all this matter, there are a lot of others who are feel the same, it is just difference in number of back steps I should add smile


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#412221 - 10/04/12 11:16 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
I've attended two WoRs.......
I'm starting my 5th year with the same T

I am a perfectionist - full of negative self image and self hatred.

But I'm not sure I understand the dissatisfaction that "flips from time to time"... and hoping you can give some comprehension in that area.

ps - nothing to forgive, my friend. I'll discuss as long as people are wanting to.

so ... did I answer your questions?
_________________________
the story
https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#412341 - 10/06/12 11:18 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Wow you did some successful and good things for yourself and your healing man smile
Are you saying that you are back to your T that you fired before last WoR smile how come ?
Yes you answered me more than enough.
Well my remark about dissatisfaction - you see some association to that came to me when I've read some your post/poem where you haven't been lets say so positive, but I can't recall exact occasion. Maybe I chose poorly that word, sorry.
How are you doing these days ?

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#412363 - 10/06/12 07:47 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
I thought most of my posts (especially poems) are not so positive... maybe it's just my view point..
Regarding the T - no, not the one I fired right before the last WoR - the one I dropped last October. He and I had a pretty bad disagreement, loud, ... anyhoo - at the WoR they were going over mindfulness with us, having us breathe, relax, think of a safe place - and BLAM! His office came to my mind. There we were, in my mind's vision, in his office like we had been before I erupted. So - figured my subconscious still considers him a safe place - so I'm back with him and we're building back the relationship and heading forward.

I tell everyone I'm doing fine because I basically am. I'm not hurting myself, they don't have to worry about hiding my own medications from me, and no one's threatening to put me in 72 hour hold. This is a big improvement in a little over a week. (I'm telling you - I crashed and burned when I came home from the WoR and had no support). I now have my T back - and I've started back with the men's CSA support group I used to attend on Tuesdays.

I suppose I answered more than enough this time too... it's a habit I'm falling into - my T says it may have to do with the fact that I'm writing in my blog more and releasing more stuff in my poems. Sounds reasonable to me.
_________________________
the story
https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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