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#407640 - 08/23/12 11:10 AM Anger
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
This morning I was angry. Seething.

Angry that my husband knew his pattern and married me anyway, knowing he would one day leave
Angry that he says he's gonna change his pattern for a harlot at work but not for the woman he married
Angry that one year after he dropped out of my life he decides to tell me about CSA
Angry that he doesn't appear to want my support
Angry that he didn't trust me when we were together
Angry that I didn't ditch when he checked out in year one
Angry that I always accepted his excuses
Angry that I backed him at every opportunity when I only ever had partial information
Angry that we had a really good life but he dumped it all
Angry that I didn't expect more in my marriage
Angry that I was sucker punched by him leaving...there was no conflict before
Angry that our marriage meant nothing to him
Angry that he didn't feel safe with me while we were together
Angry every time I hear "he's not the man for you. Move on."
Angry that when I see him it's like everything's peachy keen
Angry that he never let me in, that I never knew him
Angry that I still would support him and just want him to come home
Angry that he ditched his marriage for someone whom he says he doesn't know if he loves
Angry that I'm all over the map

I don't even know if I belong on this forum. I'm processing the effects of his behavior that resulted from CSA, but we're separated and rarely see each other. Right now the only one i can support is myself.

I go from compassion and understanding and wanting to reach out one day, to just wanting all his things out of the house and the divorce done the next. Then I feel guilty because I'm abandoning him and feeding right into what he wants to happen, just like I did when I told him, and did t know about CSA, that he couldn't live in our house if he was having an affair. But then I think of how I was manipulated and lied to by omission throughout my marriage. I never had a chance. I feel like it was all a lie.

I wish I had the CSA information before. It is at the core of everything that was wrong in our marriage...his online misogynistic BDSM activities, hiding, omitting, lying, withholding sex, my depression in response, and on and on. All against the backdrop of a really good life. I knew about my depression but only found out the other things after he left. It feels completely unfair that he tell me now, when he's been out of my life for a year. My heart shatters to think that he's not lying, omitting, withholding, etc, for the harlot at work.

Am I his spouse? Am I not? Do i even belong here? Is he working on things to save whatever it is with the harlot at work, like he said he was? Does he love her or not? It's like a kick in the guts with a steel toed boot. I get this info now and my compassion kicks in and I'm sucked back in again because I, like a fool, still love him.

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#407645 - 08/23/12 11:51 AM Re: Anger [Re: northernflicker]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
I want you to know how much your honesty about your feelings means to me personally. I also want you to know that, in my experience, your vulnerability and trust is a strength, not a weakness. You may eventually move on, or maybe not, but you are not to blame.

I want to tell you something. I was victimized as a child. Everyone's story is different. I sometimes think my situation was not as bad as some, or maybe a better way to put it is not as chronic or long-lasting. It was bad.

As a way to survive, I compartmentalized my life. I disassociated to an enormous degree, by which I mean that I felt disconnected from my emotions and even from my physical self. I would sometimes lie in bed and feel that the edge of my physical self was thousands of miles--an immeasurable distance--from my conscious self. And I felt terribly ashamed, twisted and sick. Unlovable. On some level, I think I resented my own wife for loving me. I accepted love from my kids, but not from anyone else.

My wife has her own issues. Her mom cheated on her dad when she was a kid, and her mom would take her along when she ran off with these other men. My wife once told me about lying on a hotel bed while her mother, drunk, had loud and rambunctious sex with a man on the next bed a few feet away. So my wife really had to be the grown up in her house starting in like sixth grade or something.

Anyway, I kept my true emotions apart from my wife for almost all of our relationship. I watched a lot of porn. I tried desperately to stop. But I felt compelled. I'd masturbate and feel ashamed. Masturbate and feel ashamed. Pretty much any time that I had moments to myself. I have learned through therapy that I had built a shame-cycle for myself, to prove over and over again that I was the cause of the pain that had been inflicted on me as a kid. By choosing to blame myself, I tricked myself into thinking I had gained some measure of control over a cruel world where terrible shit happens to people for no reason at all. The truth is that I didn't have control then, and I don't now. If a tree falls on me, I'll die. And it'll be just like that. And some monstrous people hurt other people for no other reason than they get an opportunity.

My wife and my sex life suffered. We just weren't connected on an emotional level, so it was hard for her to connect on a sexual level. As for me, I was always ready to fuck, and she resented me for it. I think she used a fair amount of manipulation. For instance, she would consent to sex sometimes, even when she didn't want to, and then would pout and emotionally punish me later. She would say crappy things about how much I wanted sex. Or she'd say no, constantly, to everything I wanted to do, or tried to do to turn her on. The truth is that we loved each other tremendously, but we had a HUGE level of dysfunction when it came to intimacy. And I blamed her. I don't want to make it seem like the whole thing was her fault. I blamed her and blamed her and blamed her. And I also manipulated her. I said she was frigid. I accused her of not loving me.

My point is that we had a complicated relationship, full of love and resentment. I was immature. I hadn't grown up to be a man. I hid my desire for pornography and masturbation.

And then I had an affair. The worst part about the resentments and complications at home was that I'm a charming guy, tall, muscular, smart, both professional and rugged and a dedicated dad. LOTS of women find me attractive. I understood for years that women find me attractive because I don't have affairs, and that was one of the ways that I kept myself faithful. I used all kinds of tricks to stay away from other women, even as I'd fantasize about fucking them and all that. I knew it was all a bullshit dream that would vanish the minute I touched it. But I never prepared myself for a woman who would come across my boundaries and jump right into my life and my pants. Anyway, I had a weird shitty affair, but the strange thing is that, because she was on the inside of my fucked up ideas of myself and the world, I felt a tremendous degree of intimacy with her. I have since realized that the intimacy was false. She didn't know me, and I didn't know her. And even as she and I continued our relationship, I started to lie to her, and so even that false intimacy began to vanish. But, it was a compelling intimacy, because I was sick of the lies, sick of holding myself apart from the important people in my life.

The affair came out because the other woman's husband found out by spying on her computer. She called me and told me. The guy was a suicidal freak, so I was afraid that he would come to our house and shoot me or something. I couldn't handle the idea of putting my wife and kids in danger, and so I told her the truth. It was hard to get out. I lied and lied and lied about the degrees of the affair, the sexual part of which had ended by then. The truth slowly emerged. I thought she'd kick me out of the house, but she didn't. Just out of her bed. I slept in the basement. My wife told me to never have contact with the other woman again. I haven't. I called her and told her never to call me and that we were done. It was beautiful. I needed that bitch out of my life. She was a destructive, selfish, horrid creep. And mean. She had an affair with me, I think, to be cruel to my wife as much as anything else. She befriended her before she went after me, but she got even more tight with my wife after the affair started! It was terrifying in a way.

I also went straight into therapy, because I knew that my problems were too big for me alone, and I wanted to be the man that I knew I could be. A good father. A good partner and husband. A good man. And mostly a good person for myself.

I guess by good I mean honest, open, trustworthy, true, dependable, passionate, accepting, mature.

It took a few months, but I started talking about the abuse I suffered as a child. I had never "forgotten," but I had pushed aside those memories and defined them not as abuse, even though I would sometimes get images of the horrible things that had happened.

Anyway, all that was something like four years ago. My wife and I are still together. She has had a tough time lately, because she feels like I'm being distant again. She has said over and over again that she's "waiting for the other shoe to drop." But at other times we have a great time. We have fun together. We love and support our kids. She's a wonderful mom, and the smartest and best person I've ever met.

And yet I want you to know that I still struggle with wanting to keep my feelings hidden from her. We still have some dysfunction in our sex life, although I've learned so much about my boundary issues (they were trampled as a kid and so remain weak, and so I need to establish them in other ways) and everything else about trauma, PTSD and what-not. I take medication. I'm absolutely dedicated to being a father and a partner. But I'm not perfect. I still masturbate a lot, sometimes to porn. Although I try not to feel guilty about it now. I guess I think of it as just one of those things. I like to do it. I don't make a big deal out of it or anything. I vastly prefer being intimate with my wife.

But anyway, I just wanted to pour out some thoughts, because I want you to know that other people have been in your situation. Or at least similar situations.

Stay strong. Keep healing. Seek therapy. Listen to yourself, and understand your own dysfunctions and the complicated situations that you're willing to live with. You know, we all make compromises. And we all take stands that we need to take.

Good luck.

Bob

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#407650 - 08/23/12 12:51 PM Re: Anger [Re: northernflicker]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Wow. Robert. Thank you for being so open and so honest. I see a lot of my H in what you wrote. I know it is tough for survivors to come here and post, but I have gained incredible insight from nearly all who do and you are no different.

Northern: I just went through an insanely difficult week of dealing with my rage. I went as far as to take it out on someone (actually, my H's emotional mistress, and in all honesty, she picked a fight with me and deserved the nuclear rampage she got in return). But the anger, while slightly muted, left me hollow. It felt like another thing I had let take control of me.

I am not sure how it came to be, but in working through this rage, this anger, that consumed me all last week, I realized what was really going on: I was consumed with fear.

I was fearful of my marriage ending. I was fearful that the 12 years I gave to my H had no meaning. I was fearful of starting over, alone, nearly 40 and not so much as a child to show for all the years of love I gave my H (although I am glad we don't have children going through this - it's a mixed bag). I was fearful of losing my H completely over to his demons.

And once I realized this fear - I some how let it go. I wish there was some better way to describe it.

It's weird. I go from the deepest, darkest anger I have ever known, to a simple realization so cathartic that I have felt a little high ever since...

My life will go on. It may not include my H. I will be happy. I will have a full life. I am no longer mourning what I thought my life was going to be - that life is over - gone. I am okay with that life being over and gone. I am free.

I haven't fully processed it all, but I know that in allowing myself to explore the anger, to really embrace and work thought it, that I had a kind of breakthrough (?) that has gotten me to this point.

I don't know what all of it means yet, but coming out of the anger is like coming out of a fever-dream. It's soul-crushingly awful in all its glory, but I think it is part of the process and you have to let it happen.

That's me anyway.

Good luck on your journey. Be kind to yourself.

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#407669 - 08/23/12 02:54 PM Re: Anger [Re: northernflicker]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Thank you, Valkyrie. I appreciate what you wrote. Good advice, too. And thanks for sharing your own thoughts and stuff. Anger is a whole other issue for me. I might write about it at some point, but I've only commented on it a bit here and there.

And thank you, northern, for expressing your anger. Good luck. Keep seeking, and keep healing.

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#407672 - 08/23/12 03:38 PM Re: Anger [Re: northernflicker]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 704
Loc: NJ
Wow Bob.... really, WOW.

I find myself increasingly trying and failing to understand the place from where my husband made all of his decisions in the last 6 years. The more I try to understand, the more I feel distant and disconnected from him. I just can't understand.

What you just wrote, however, is very clear and gives us wives who are struggling with infidelity and CSA something to think about.

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#407682 - 08/23/12 04:56 PM Re: Anger [Re: northernflicker]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Thank you, esposa. Good luck to you, and keep healing. It gets better.

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#407685 - 08/23/12 04:59 PM Re: Anger [Re: northernflicker]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Thanks for opening up Robert
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#407704 - 08/23/12 06:40 PM Re: Anger [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Yes, thank you. Each of you.

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#411527 - 09/27/12 11:37 AM Re: Anger [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
.

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#411565 - 09/27/12 04:48 PM Re: Anger [Re: northernflicker]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I am sorry you are going thru this. Your husband should step up and tell his mom that you are his wife and first in his life.. Do you know what he is telling her? I mean maybe he is saying things to her for extra attention?? This is a lot of what is going on today in marriages. Men are still holding on to mommy and not putting their wives in their right place and that is ahead of their moms, ahead of their dads and ahead of the kids. It is simple but hard for some men to do. A mans wife should be held with the utmost respect. I hope your situation gets better an he comes to his senses.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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