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#411608 - 09/27/12 10:57 PM time marches on...
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
I decided to do a search for the leader of the small clique in the scout troop that terrorized me when I was 11-12. I found him – still in the same small town – and the only one in the US with that combination of 1st and last name. Even without paying for a complete report, I learned the following: He went to college and ended up in a low-level supervisory position in a relatively small, not very prestigious company. He married and had 4 kids. He has recently retired. He is only 3 years older than me. I found his home address and phone number.

It was the strangest sensation. I felt guilty and fearful – almost like a stalker. Almost like I was scared he was going to catch me again. So strange to think of him being old enough to retire.

He was like a Norse god to me – big, buff, and blond. His bullying and abuse was so impersonal. I was one of the smaller, younger boys and he was the biggest and strongest and a “natural” leader (- I HATE that stereotype!) Therefore he seemed to feel it was his duty to “initiate” me. That “normally” consisted of being “pantsed” or totally stripped at the beginning of an all-troop event like a camp-out and it could go several ways from there. It usually included being chased around and tackled and roughed up a little – along with some inappropriate touching and lots of mockery and sometimes degraded by having various substances dumped or smeared on the victim’s body. I honestly can’t remember all of what happened next but I do remember a mental “snapshot” of being compared to him physically and being totally humiliated by it.

Maybe for other boys it wouldn’t have been as traumatic, but for me – with my previous experiences at home and school, it was devastating. This was supposed to be “fun” – supposed to “build character” – supposed to help me “bond” with other boys – supposed to “make a man” of me – supposed to give me “memories that will last a lifetime.” That last one was true, unfortunately.

I won’t try to contact him. I’m sure he has not the slightest clue about how his careless actions affected me. I doubt that he did anything abusive to anyone else once he “grew up.” He didn’t really seem to care that much or take much pleasure or interest in it. And I’m sure he wouldn’t even remember me. I can’t wrap my mind around the idea of him aging though. I still see him as that peak of youthful perfection and myself as that helpless scrawny wimp.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#411610 - 09/27/12 11:18 PM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1596
Loc: New England
Traveler Lee,

I did a search trying to find my rapist too. No luck. Just as well probably.

Your guy is probably a fat burned out wrinkled old man now. At least get some satisfaction in that picture.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#411630 - 09/28/12 02:21 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I know where one of mine lives at. It is the same house where he abusers me at when his mom babysat me. He lives there still. The other was my uncle. They are both about the same age and I think about 8 years my elder. It is hard not to go there and want to lash out.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#411633 - 09/28/12 02:39 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
Dragon Boy Offline


Registered: 09/18/12
Posts: 29
Loc: uk
I'm glad you decided not to contact him Lee. I recently contacted one of my abusers. It was a painful experience and she treated me coldly while making sure I knew she was still in charge in a very subtle way. She refused to answer my questions. The one thing it did though was to help me to accept the truth when someone I told about the contact and a little about the past with her told me she was a typical abuser and the 'good' things she did were nothing more than grooming. That helped me to start healing. The contact with her did not.

As tempting as it may to see him to on a more equal footing, what you found and the reaction you got could well hurt more than it helped. He's hurt you too much already. I'm truly sorry for what he put you through.

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#411737 - 09/29/12 04:46 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i appreciate the comments, guys.

i go back and forth on this - thinking that the guys in scouts who abused me were cruel monsters - and then thinking - they were just thoughtless kids who were caught up in a mob mentality like frat hazing. i don't know. i know how it felt - and that was bad - and the effect on me was serious and long-lasting. but it may have been the cumulative effect of it on top of everything else that had happened to me. maybe i was just especially vulnerable and fragile at the time.

but one thing that i got out of looking this guy up is just seeing him as an ordinary person. and that makes it easier to drop the long-lasting fear and anger and do some forgiving. not excusing - but cutting the ties that bound me to him and letting myself stop feeling controlled by all the negative feelings.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#411738 - 09/29/12 05:03 AM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:36 PM)

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#411752 - 09/29/12 10:08 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi Lee,

I hope this helps you move on. I think it's important for us to get past any idea of the abusers as monsters. Turning them into monsters grants them enormous power forever. Monsters are scary. Keeping them as monsters in our minds perpetuates that scariness.

Abusers are pathetic people who do terrible things to people who are a lot weaker than they are. They're like exceptionally devastating bullies. They're not monsters. The problem they're part of is a human problem. I still somehow see CSA as a giant social disease.

You just saw a truly exceptional bully in the weakness of age. Again, I hope this helps you let him go.

Best wishes,

Danny

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#411757 - 09/29/12 12:01 PM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1778
Lee

I can relate--I have tracked down my abuser--learned where he went to college, when his mother passed away, and where he lives. I have, in the past spend time searching for anything and everything about him. I did not feel like a stalker but rather a truth seeker--did he hurt others. I have sent him a letter, with my old home address and only gave him my first name (I crossed out my last name before sending) just to let him know I was remembering what he had done to me. I even drove to his house and sat across the street looking and wondering. From the appearance one could tell he was not home. I even drove to the church where he assists on weekends--I sat in the parking lot but could not go in. I was physically sick from seeing where he lived and worked.

Strangely, I was so torn--I despise him and he repulses me, while a part of me feels he made us feel special. This part of me disgusts me-nothing special about being raped--but my T tells me it is the emotional aspect of the abuse--making the child believe he was special, hand picked and what we did was only shared to make one feel special and loved. It is sickening but the internal battle of these emotions persist.

Will I go back to see him-I do not know--I feel he is older now and if I go to him it would be like an adult taking advantage of child and now I would be taking advantage of an elderly person (I do not know his physical or mental condition). So maybe it will be best to let sleeping dogs lye.

I have to admit I still search periodically to see if I can found anyone that has come forward but nothing.

I also fear if I see him, it may not bring closure or relieve the hurt and pain. I fear I may relive the abuse in front of him.

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#411955 - 10/02/12 02:46 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
!TRIGGER WARNING! (in 2nd half)

i KNEW it was too good to last! I was feeling pretty good – and then – BANG! – feel like I got kicked in the gut by a mule.

a couple more memories about scouts came back – and at first I was OK – I thought – I can handle this – but now I’m not so sure. the first one I’m pretty sure I know what happened - total recall.

One time we were on a winter camp. all of us – the whole troop of about 40? guys were together – “sleeping” in the same large cabin – practically wall-to-wall. it was very cold – at least 6 inches of snow outside. after lights out, the real “fun” started. at first just goofing around, lots of talking, jokes, dirty talk, trading insults, then scuffles, pranks – and it eventually escalated to a near riot. The older, bigger guys were dragging or dumping the younger, smaller or weaker boys out of their sleeping bags. I was one of those that would have been a usual victim, but I was so insecure and such an outsider that I had only been able to find a spot for my sleeping bag on the perimeter – under a table – right against the wall. Lots of flashlight beams waving around and spotlighting the action. As the craziness reaches fever pitch, the victims are being stripped to loud catcalls and thrown outside into the snow and forced to run around the cabin naked before being let back inside. I am terrified. I burrow down as deep as I can and huddle against the wall – too scared to move, make a sound or even breathe. For some reason no one notices me or thinks of me – and I escape that round of bullying. that memory i hadn’t thought of in years – and though I consider it abusive - I wasn’t really triggered by it. I was thinking – I can do this.

Another time – I remember waking up in a 2-man tent in the woods. It was chilly and damp and foggy out – around dawn – and I am feeling very sad and lonely. I lie there crying but trying not to make a sound. I am afraid to wake up my assigned tent buddy, Tim. But I wish he would wake up cause I feel so bad. We are a pair of misfits and outcasts. He is hard of hearing and wears a hearing aid. He misses a lot of what goes on. I have very poor vision and wear thick bifocal glasses. He is a late bloomer – and I am an early bloomer – and those differences also set us apart. Both of us are awkward and hopeless at any activity that requires physical strength, agility, skill or coordination. We are naturally pushed together by default – but also by choice - because we feel a kinship. At first that is all I remember - and then this comes:

I remember the night before – we had stumbled through the trees to our tent holding hands to help each other with the uneven footing. I guess we had both left our flashlights in the tent and it got dark before we got back there. then Tim and i are in the tent and in our sleeping bags talking - and we hear footsteps outside, crunching and rustling through the dead leaves. we don’t know whether to be excited or afraid. sometimes there is a surprise activity or ceremony after dark. or sometimes one patrol raids the tents of another patrol. or sometimes it is just independent pranks. we wait, holding our breaths…. That is the part I remember and am sure about. At first that was all I remembered - and then …

I don’t know for sure what happens next. I have vague impressions – but am not sure if it is a real memory – or a dream – or my imagination. this is what is bothering me.

!TRIGGER WARNING!


I think I woke up cold because my zipper is jammed on the sleeping bag and is open. I seem to remember feeling wet and sticky – and then touching it and seeing that my groin and belly are covered in cum. and I am not sure if it is mine – or someone else’s – or both – and if so – whose - and how many of them? and when Tim wakes up he won’t talk to me. that makes it even worse. and I wonder what happened and I don’t remember him being there last night except before the sound of footsteps – but where else could he have been? for some reason I am afraid that they might have made me do something with Tim or to him - and I am afraid to ask – and he won’t talk – and since I don’t know – I can’t even say I’m sorry. have I even done anything I should be sorry for? i feel terrible - but i don't know why...

then I forgot the whole event – until now. and now I only remember up to a point - and I’m not sure I want to remember the rest – but not knowing what happened and the nature of my involvement is really ripping me up. I hope to heaven I didn’t hurt Tim or do whatever I’m afraid they wanted (whoever “they” were?) I know I wouldn’t have done anything voluntarily. and now I feel sick.

i can't tell what was real and what may just be my fears - or sick imagination. how can you know?

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#411959 - 10/02/12 05:13 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3620
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on Lee,
must be terrible when suddenly lost memories show up like you have had it.
It could be that nothing terrible wrong happened, let's be optimistic smile ?
I've been many times awaken after I have had some wet dreams and must say that same picture is in my mind as you described. And feeling that something terrible happened I would have mainly because something sexual was there and as adults learned me that should be wrong.
You should consider to talk with your T about it. Maybe with some time you'll get to find more about it.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#412004 - 10/02/12 02:48 PM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Take care, Lee. Feel the feelings you have, and let them go. I don't know everything that happened to me, but I tell myself that I don't have to. It's enough to deal with the reality that I do have. And then I try to let the feelings go. Let them go, brother. And take care. You've got friends here who count on you, Lee. You're a good man.
Bob

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#412041 - 10/03/12 12:07 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Well, here’s the deal – I had already accepted the stuff that happened to me. I thought I knew all of it. And I had come to the point that I could say – and truly believe – that it wasn’t my fault. I really thought that I was just a passive victim that did not share in the responsibility for what was done to me at all. It was all 100% someone else’s fault and blame and guilt. Even though I still feel a residue of shame and twinges of guilt – I have been able to convince myself that those feelings were false and something I was conditioned to accept – forced upon me unfairly and unreasonably.

The difference is – with this new partial memory and the fears and suspicions that accompany it – suddenly I no longer feel innocent and victimized and imposed upon. Now there is the possibility that I was a participant – that I bear some culpability for some of what happened. Maybe I participated more actively. I feel implicated in whatever happened. And that is devastating. Especially if it means that someone else may have been hurt or affected by something that I might have done. It makes me feel like I might be as bad as those who did stuff to me. It is worse than just feeling like a dirty used victim. That was bad enough – and I could hardly stand it. It is more evil. I can’t take seeing myself that way. i don't want to be a perp - even an unwilling one.

Now I understand better the anguish of some of the other members here who were forced to participate more actively in both their own abuse – and scenarios that involved others, too. I sympathized with them before – but I couldn’t really stand in their shoes. Now I think I am beginning to get it. and it has really messed up my mind.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#412069 - 10/03/12 09:31 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Wow, Lee. Damn it. I'm so sorry to hear that. Damn it. Good luck, brother, and I'm sorry if it seemed like I was being dismissive above. You know, I sometimes kind of attack myself in my own head, yell at myself to get my shit together and to let stuff go. And sometimes I'm afraid I let a little of that crap out here on the forums. I don't mean to. I really feel for you. Sometime, when I get up the courage, I'll tell you my "abuse story." You might get some comfort from it. Or not. My situation was... just full of gray areas. Shit I did. Shit others did. Me laughing while others did stuff. Bad shit all around. Bob

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#412117 - 10/03/12 11:29 PM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
it's OK, Bob - i wasn't offended. and please don't punish yourself. i appreciate any response that is well-intentioned - even if it doesn't exactly scratch where i itch. and i'd appreciate hearing more of your story when you are ready for that.

i saw my T yesterday and got some good insights. i'll post more once i have a chance to sort it all out and put it into words.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#415848 - 11/10/12 07:21 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
!!!TRIGGERS!!! The rest of the story... !!!TRIGGERS!!!

My partial memory of scout camp and waking up in distress led to some very low days emotionally. I think I have resolved that now.

From things I overheard other guys talking about at the time – but didn’t understand then, I know there were “circle jerks” taking place among some of the guys. From what I remember – it seemed to be a totally voluntary and acceptable and “fun” activity – which I was not invited to participate in. Until that night – when I think I must have been the “guest of honor” at a private surprise party. I think there must have been at least 2-3 of them in the tent working on me – and another couple who took Tim away for his “special time.” The two of us never talked about it afterwards but I think we both knew what had happened to the other – and were both ashamed to say anything – but also took comfort in our shared victim-hood. I am now quitesure that i did nothing to Tim. and that is a great weight off me. I have no proof of what actually happened in the gaps – but this explanation seems like it all fits and has the feel of truth to me.

And that got me to thinking – why is it that it was fun for the others but so destructive for me? Well, DUH! – of course - it’s like the difference between mutually desired intercourse and rape. It is not the act itself that is so harmful – but the intent and motivation of the act and the respective roles, attitudes and emotional responses to it. On one hand you’ve got willing, voluntary, consensual sexual acts, with shared decisions and equal responsibility – with pleasure as the result. On the other hand you’ve got unwilling, forced, coerced acts, with a powerful dominator and a weaker, more vulnerable victim. In the 1st case, the effects may be negligible. In the 2nd case, the results are long-term feelings of violation, worthlessness and suffering.

So then I’m thinking – why in the world do I seek out pictures of scenarios that parallel these events? (another argument in support of this explanation.) Wouldn’t it be more logical to avoid them like the plague? Why would anyone want to revisit any of the traumatic events that screwed him up to begin with?

And I think the reason is this – once I discovered photos of hands jobs and mutual MB and circle jerks, at first the fascination of it drew me in – seeing stuff that was similar to what I had experienced. It was as if everything made sense and I recognized it and it felt familiar. It comforted me to feel that I was not the only one this had happened to. It almost seemed like seeing pictures of it made it more “normal” or OK.

In the pictures I saw, it seemed like everyone was having a good time. They all seemed to be accepted and proud of their appearance and their accomplishments when the time came. They were all enjoying it and getting a big thrill out of it – all things I never got. If I ever did reach a climax – I don’t remember it. What I remember is being aroused and then left frustrated and not being able to do anything about it. I wasn’t going to ask them to keep going. And I didn’t want to continue it myself – as if I was willingly participating.

The second reason is - by revisiting these more benign versions of similar events, I was trying to transform my gang abuse event into a friendly circle jerk or affectionate mutual MB session. In some of the one-on-one scenarios – the guys actually looked like they were best of friends. I could control every aspect of the reenactment – which pictures I looked at, the appearance of the players, how long the session would last, when I reached climax, etc. I was in charge – and could direct and manipulate all the variables – as I hadn’t been able to do in real life. I was probly trying to nullify or negate or neutralize the negative aspects and effects of the events and bring them to a more positive outcome – change the script to create a happy ending. Trying to convince myself to accepting it and going with the flow so it wouldn’t feel so much like a violation but more like the consensual fun times that were pictured. But the photos don’t really help – they just provide a momentary escape. And of course they are all staged. So now I am trying to rid my memory of the memory of those images as well as deal with the memories of real events and partial memories that leave lots to be inferred.

SIGH...

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#415854 - 11/10/12 10:02 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 755
Loc: Southeast USA
I know what you mean by tracking down perps from the past. I know my way around public records, court documents, deeds/titles etc. Before being triggered a couple of months ago, I felt the need to track these guys down. One is now in his 60s and living in Atlanta. This was my friend's stepdad who humiliated us by staging fights between us. He is twice divorced and is now retired from the banking profession He now invests in real estate.

The other one---the one who assaulted me at camp is also twice married and twice divorced. He lives up in Virginia and works for a small company outside of Richmond. He has two kids---one is a gymnast.

Neither has turned up on registered SO lists. Still, I have to wonder. I'm not going to pay either one a visit. I have thought about sending perp one a letter and leaving off my name and address. He'll know who it came from. But...I don't want to give him the satisfaction of still having power over me. The second perp has enough trouble with two DUIs and a domestic charge. I'm sorry for the family, but karma is a bitch.
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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