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#411563 - 09/27/12 04:13 PM Acting Out
providence84 Offline


Registered: 07/10/12
Posts: 4
Loc: RI
I feel like this place is safe enough to put something out here without to harsh of judgement, and also get back some good advice, insight, suggestion, support, etc. This is something that I've struggled with alot lately. Frankly it's something I've struggled with my whole life since the abuse and it's weighing heavier now than ever before, not sure why. Since I was in my late teens/early 20's I've behaved like somewhat of a sexual deviant, at least that is how I see it. Despite identifying as a straight guy, and only ever entering into straight relationships my entire life, and really truly feeling like a straight man, throughout the years I have continually engaged in brief sexual encounters with men. I use the word brief because with the exception of one person, they were single isolated meetings that didn't last long, were strictly sexual and absolutely nothing else beyond that. I usually meet these people via the internet, communicate for a short period of time, meet for the purposes described above, and then it's done. I have always sought out a specific type - in that they were older than myself, preferably married or in a relationship, often times like myself, as I felt as though they offered the best discretion. What I have come to realize is that the thing I am most attracted to are the moments prior to actually meeting these people in person. I think of it as the "chase" - it's the period where I am being sought after heavily, overly complimented on my appearance, engaging in explicit and highly sexual chatting, and overall excitement at the prospect of being sexually stimulating to this person. In the beginning, chatting was sufficient for me and I got what I was looking for from those situations. It escalated from there to either exchanging pictures or meeting in person because the accolades would increase and their desire to really engage in sexual contact was evident and I fell in love with those feelings of being wanted and lusted after. The first time that it ever reached the point of actual physical contact, it was almost as if I felt obligated to just do something because we had been in communication for so long, and there might have been some heavy guilt laid on by the person who angrily referred to me as a tease. Now I won't lie and say that the sexual contact wasn't pleasurable, surely it felt good in the moment, however without fail after every interaction, I crash. Just a complete draining of all of the energy and life from my body. Every single time, I swear to myself that it's the last time I will do something like that, because I never walk away feeling good about anything, not myself, not life in general. The aftermath really is a horrible experience. I am beyond disgusted with myself in those moments. It eventually passes after some time and I know deep down that the need to do it again, the excitement will undoubtedly come back, the question just becomes, how soon. I liken the whole thing to a drug addiction because honestly that is really what it feels like. I've never been addicted to any kind of drugs in my life, but from what I see in the media or hear directly from people, the feelings and thoughts that they experience when addicted to drugs doesn't seem all that different. It's a powerful need that I can't shake and absolutely have to fullfill. If I try and brush it to the side and not act on it, I can't focus on anything until I do something about it. I feel so stupid saying it, but I truly feel like it's so powerful and too strong for me to fight off.

I'm not single, and in fact I am in a virtually happy and committed relationship with someone, there are even talks of marriage. I've read some of the posts from partners here and what they go through in their lives and how traumatic the experiences their loved ones have put them through - and I can't help but feel like my relationship is the same - I know it is the same. We are a ticking time bomb waiting to explode when the sad truth of how I conduct my life is uncovered - and every bit of the turmoil that will unfold is my fault. I don't want this lifestyle to be my destiny - I want better for myself and everyone else in my life. But I can't help but feel like the damage is done and there is no recuperating from the bad choices that I've made. The current program I am on isn't safe or healthy, firstly for the girl in my life, and second for myself.

I feel the need to put this out there because I hold onto this reality myself. Nobody on the planet, aside from the people I meet for these encounters, know the truth. I wanted to unload a little bit of it because for one, it is so heavy, and two, I truly want to stop doing this to myself and others - I just don't know how.

Thanks for listening

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#411567 - 09/27/12 05:11 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1529
Loc: New England
Dear providence,

You are not alone. many men here report acting out in the same way.

I wanted to give you some input from my own experience as a Str8 man who has compulsively sought out anonymous sex with men. First let me tell you that I stopped it. Stopped cold turkey. Once I started dealing with my abuse, I began to realize that I was just re-enacting my abuse and that revolted me. I also realized that the kind of sex I was seeking was degrading and I was just punishing myself, because after all I am just a cum-dumpster, or so my perp would have me think. Finally I realized that the sex and the situations were getting riskier and riskier, and eventually I would end up dead, or with some disease that could impair if not kill me. The "high" I got from the sex was just another drug I was using to escape the pain of being raped at 13.

Consider getting yourself into therapy. And keep posting. It took alot of courage to put this out there. Keep it up and you always have brothers here who have your back.

Gary
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#411568 - 09/27/12 05:30 PM Blank [Re: providence84]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK
c


Edited by steveb121 (08/02/14 05:28 AM)

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#411661 - 09/28/12 11:10 AM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Providence,

Your story sounds a lot like mine. You're not alone.

Like Gary said, keep posting. Until you get yourself into therapy, posting here is a great step in the right direction.

Are you a student or grad student in Prov, by any chance? If so, there might be some good resources for you to get started on seeing a therapist.

Send me a private message if you want to talk more.

Jim
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#411665 - 09/28/12 12:12 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey Providence,

One thing I really want to impress on you is that you should never feel guilty or ashamed of yourself. By the grace of God, I didn't engage in this kind of acting out, but that's probably just random, honestly. But I want you to know that all of us have done things we're ashamed of, mostly so we could soak ourselves in shame and feel disgusting. If you want to read more of my thoughts on the subject, just click on my name and read some of the posts. Or just meander through the topics on this forum. All of us wrestle with this same issue.

Otherwise, let me just repeat a simple message... therapy, therapy, therapy.

And also, I sure appreciate you coming here and opening up. Here's what I like about these forums. I've lived with a lot of secrets in my life. I am so accustomed to creating little secret lives, places where my fucked up self can indulge in shame and guilt. It's painful. It's alluring. It hurts. And yet I have this habit of creating and recreating this pattern. Therapy helped me to recognize that pattern. Therapy helped me to stop it. And this forum has become a healthy place for me to express my thoughts and feelings with other guys who share my issues, and nothing is off the table. All of it is OK to talk about. There are no secrets here.

Keep coming. Keep writing. You're going to be OK. Things will get better. You're going to be able to have exactly the life that you want to have. This is how you'll get there.

Bob

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#411666 - 09/28/12 12:56 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
lee55 Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 13
Loc: midwest
Dont feel alone. I too struggle deeply with such issues. I have only indulged with on line chatting, yet it gives me an indescribable high while doing it. I love my spouse deeply and the last thing I would ever want to do is to hurt her. She does know some of my background but not all. She points me toward religion which only makes me feel worse. Hang in there and know we are all good people.
lee

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#411670 - 09/28/12 01:34 PM * [Re: providence84]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:19 PM)

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#411671 - 09/28/12 01:34 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Providence,

Glad you were able to get that off your chest. We share similar issues. I have also engaged in sexual activities that caused bad feelings afterwards. Activities that could be thought of as addictions, because I knew in the end that I had no control over stopping. I still struggle with them.

Thanks for sharing your struggles here,

Caz
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#411691 - 09/28/12 04:19 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
Getting By Offline


Registered: 05/15/12
Posts: 8
Providence,

You can see from the thread, that there are guys queuing up to share the same story as yours. You're not alone.

Sometimes acting out (or "that sleeping around crap" as I call it with my therapist) is just a way CSA survivors go for a while.

My $0.02 is to repeat what some of the other guys said:
Find a good therapist.
The cycle can be broken.

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#411781 - 09/29/12 05:15 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hi Providence

There are so many similarities between our stories. Reading your story made me see more clearly what is going on in my own situation. So..thanks so much for sharing. I have always led a double life - good wholesome christian boy/man/husband and dirty sexual deviant. It never ceases to amaze me how the two polar opposites can both equally dwell inside my being.

I think the idea of the "chase" for us has a lot to do with power. On a subconscious level we feel a sense of power because we can 'make' them desire us sexually...because we ARE so sexally desirable. As a child we had no power over the situation but this time we are in charge - we can call the shots.

As for actually having sex with these men, underneath it all (for me) it is all about self loathing. I feel like I have no worth other than a sexual play thing. Afterwards there is always a huge feeling of regret. It has definitely became addictive to me. Sexual addiction is SO REAL. I totally understand the compulsion that drives you - it is SO powerful. The high can be so numbing...but it only numbs the pain so long before we are reminded of reality. These encounters ARE NOT REALITY - they are fake. Your committed relationship with the woman in your life is a REALITY. We need to choose to live in reality and not live in this fantasy world.

I am married with kids and believe me if you feel bad about it now it will only get worse if/when you get married. You need to try to deal with this before you think about marriage. It will not make it go away. If you push it down and don't deal with it - it will only come back with avengance.

Be STRONG!!! Healing Happens!
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#411797 - 09/29/12 11:16 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
providence84 Offline


Registered: 07/10/12
Posts: 4
Loc: RI
Thank you so much guys for your words and support. I was fearful that I might have guys telling me what kind of a major scumbag I am, and certainly - that is how I often feel. To know that it is something that has happened and that there is some hope for it to stop if I put in the effort and take the steps to heal, is profound.

Lee - your notion that it might be related to being in a position of power for once is so interesting to me. I hadn't ever thought of it like that, but if you really look at it closely, in those moments - we certainly are in a position of power. I never play the powerful role in those interactions - meaning I obey and the follow the lead - but everything before that, I am in control of what they access to. Really interesting.

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#411798 - 09/29/12 11:16 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
providence84 Offline


Registered: 07/10/12
Posts: 4
Loc: RI
Thank you so much guys for your words and support. I was fearful that I might have guys telling me what kind of a major scumbag I am, and certainly - that is how I often feel. To know that it is something that has happened and that there is some hope for it to stop if I put in the effort and take the steps to heal, is profound.

Lee - your notion that it might be related to being in a position of power for once is so interesting to me. I hadn't ever thought of it like that, but if you really look at it closely, in those moments - we certainly are in a position of power. I never play the powerful role in those interactions - meaning I obey and the follow the lead - but everything before that, I am in control of what they access to. Really interesting.

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#411876 - 09/30/12 11:09 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
I can relate in my own way. I opened up my own can of worms with online escort ads (and some other stuff.) There is an addiction that takes over when trying to make contact. I am working on this issue and need to change. I am not currently in a relationship, but I would like to be in one some day, in a situation where there was love and affection and caring, and honestly my behaviors do not match well with what I would more ultimately want. Thanks for sharing and take care of this issue so that you can be the person you want to be.

Eric

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#411905 - 10/01/12 12:42 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Providence,

I just have to add something. I am SO IMPRESSED that you owned all this stuff straight-up. That's damn brave of you. You're a good person, and your courage will serve you and your wife, if/when you get married, and your children if/when you have them. I know some survivors of CSA who felt worried that they couldn't or shouldn't have children or be in a committed relationship, because of what they might do/who they might become/or what truth might come out.

I think for myself I thought that nothing would be more painful than accepting the truth, not of what happened to me, but about the stuff I did. The shameful, disgusting blah blah blah shit I did. But the truth is that, while it was hard to be honest, it was MUCH harder to keep it hidden and to live with the weight of guilt and shame. That burden is one you can do without, brother.

Take care. You're on the right path. And as I said before, I admire the hell out of your courage. Keep it up!

Bob

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#411906 - 10/01/12 12:44 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey Eric,
I just want to say the same thing to you, too. I'm interested in how you're dealing with the escort stuff. Good luck.
Bob

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#411912 - 10/01/12 02:30 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
Hi Bob,

I'm trying to put barriers in the way. And really it is only an issue when I have been drinking. So I am working on that issue as well. Mostly nothing happens, other then sending texts out. But some lines have been crossed. Basically it is a behavior I don't want to engage in, yet find myself doing it "again". Another thing I am trying to do is get my life together, create some sort of meaning if you will. I think a big part of my problem was that for so many years I did not really make anything out of life, just skated along trying to get by day to day. But for me, as things started to get better, when I realized I was capable of much more, there was also the realization that I sort of wasted a lot of time just getting by. So yeah, trying to step things up a bit and maybe catch up a little if you will, but also have some bad habits that need to be addressed along the way. This stuff can be hard as you get older because it steered your life for so many years. Hard to let go of what was lost, but I also clearly see numbing oneself from this pain creates potential for more loss down the line - it doesn't really help one dig oneself out of the hole they are in, it really only digs things deeper. So trying to change those things. Some stuff is better, but still room to improve. I had some ideas though, things I can focus on. I have not given up on that.

Thanks,
Eric

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#411916 - 10/01/12 03:49 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Good luck, brother. I'm amazed at how you're writing about this in such a straight-forward way. Just don't beat yourself up about it. I mean, what's done is done. CSA survivors spend so much time knocking ourselves around. It's important to forgive ourselves. I hope you can get into therapy, if you're not already.
Bob

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#412031 - 10/02/12 09:58 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
Hi Providence,

I didn't mean to cut in on your thread. But I could relate. For me, because I am not in a relationship and have issues letting people in, I think I have tried to substitute. But it is a bad road and slippery slope to a real bad place. So looking to change how I have been. Anyway, be easy on yourself. And know that change in a positive direction is going to lead to better outcomes.

Eric

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#412279 - 10/05/12 01:54 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
providence84 Offline


Registered: 07/10/12
Posts: 4
Loc: RI
Not cutting in at all Eric - if you can post and get something back for yourself on something related or even not - I think that is a good thing.

Robert1000 - thanks for the nice words. I don't feel like a brave or courageous person, in fact just the opposite. It's a fairly toxic issue for me and I was just desperate to put it on the table and at the very least not let it remain as this deep dark poisonous secret.

Thanks again guys!

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#412303 - 10/06/12 12:22 AM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
WVguy Offline


Registered: 09/22/12
Posts: 18
Loc: Upstate New York
Providence I am in the EXACT same boat as you, with the only difference for me being that I tend to seek out older women. I know the compulsion to do it, how awesome it feels because "Hey this person wants ME!" and then the total guilt afterward about what you've done. This is probably one of the biggest habits I am hoping to break with therapy, because I know it doesn't do me any good and it only screws up the real happiness in my life and I don't need that fleeting moment when something much better is at home. But it's damn hard to deal with it I agree completely

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