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#411542 - 09/27/12 01:17 PM How God sees me???
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
I started typing this as a reply to Traveler's thread, but felt by the time I got to the end of it that it would probably just end up railroading or detracting from things. So here's what I had going:



I really really struggle with this.

I "know" what God says about me, but receiving it, and accepting it is so hard.

While my father didn't sexually or even physically abuse me, his distance and non-involvement really makes so much in my life difficult, from figuring out my own role as a father and even my role as a man.

This whole father thing is definitely a raw wound in me right now and I certainly don't have the answers to fixing it.

I even said to my wife last night that I feel utterly stupid as a grown man to admit that I need someone to be a father to me. I need those things I didn't get, but how in the world does one get that once you're all grown up? I certainly don't have any men in my life or even at my church that I can even begin to imagine filling that role. And if someone tried, it surely wouldn't take long for them to run away as they realize the utter destruction laying just beneath the surface of my broken and shattered heart.

And at the same time I haven't a clue how to let God fill that role and even struggle to accept and truly believe that He even wants to.

I truly do NOT know how to connect with other men. I feel like I'm a leper on the outside of a group of healthy people. I've never felt like I've belonged to this "Club of men" that seems to exist. I don't feel like a man. I feel more like some other entity that just has male plumbing, but not really a man.

Yet in all this, I know God is really the only answer. I keep praying. Keep asking for the healing He promises. I know some here would say that that is just proof that He doesn't exist, but He's answered enough prayers in utterly amazing ways, so I know beyond any doubt that He's there. I just struggle with the idea that He might actually care and want the little misfit, tainted, and broken creature that I am.




(The other thing my wife told me last night was that every time I utter the words that I'm feeling like I'm in a really good place that there is surely a huge crash right around the corner.) At least it's a little reprieve before I fall back into the pain.

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#411543 - 09/27/12 01:33 PM Re: How God sees me??? [Re: JustScott]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Hi Scott,

Reading your words brings familiar pains to the surface. I know exactly how you feel and the questions you ask. Feeling disconnected from others, and feeling like a leper of a broken man. Yes. I've been there, and I sometimes still go there.

I have found that a belief in my Higher Power is critical for recovery as well. Absolutely. I have also found that being in the company of other men (real physical company) searching and reaching for similar recovery offers me healing. I do this in Alanon (12 step group). There's a large list of meetings in my area, and the Alanon meetings with a focus on adult children (of alcoholics) has been an endless source of connection, healing, learning, discovery, and connecting to my Higher Power. Because of the nature of alcoholism, most families with drug addiction issues has a survivor of CSA in them. And you'll find many survivors of CSA in Alanon.

Are you in a support group of a similar take? Like an ASCA or a ACA, or a Alanon or an ISA group? They're all spiritual based groups. I highly recommend it.

I know that you'll find what you're looking for. The truth is, you ARE what you're looking for. Self love, self trust, confidence, and authenticity are what you're wanting. Without the veneer of self hatred and self loathing. Free of self ridicule and judgment. You'll get there soon after you *know* and *feel* that you are worth loving.

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#411553 - 09/27/12 02:25 PM Re: How God sees me??? [Re: JustScott]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
Sadly no, no local groups of any type for men.

Ok, there is one, and years back when I was seeing a therapist I mentioned it, she thought it was a great idea. (It's an SLAA group). So I attended for awhile....

After attending for a few months I came to the realization that only a few were in that group because they wanted help. Most were there under the terms of their parole as registered sex offenders.

So one night after I listed to a fellow hog the entire time (and no, the leadership didn't stop him from doing it), talk about how he has done time for abusing children (boys specifically) and how the previous week he had spent an entire day at the local mall basically flirting (because he said he really wanted a relationship with this kid (yes he even said 'kid')) with a young clerk at one of the departments stores and that said clerk eventually calling the police over it and him running out of the mall but the police catching up to him, and then he shared about being accused of flashing the clerk (which of course he stated emphatically he didn't do....) and then he spun off into this tirade of the whole world being just out to get him.......

Well needless to say after that I night I didn't go back, and after sharing the whole story with my therapist, she agreed it was not even remotely a safe environment.

So that's really all I've found locally in any way shape or form.

I would love to have a group of some sort, but it just isn't here. I've been working (feels more like fighting) with the local crisis center about getting one going, but it has become very clear to me that their "desire" to get one up and running, is purely lip service. The one counselor there I spoke to, and after much emphatic insistence that they DO help men..... finally admitted that no one there had any training or experience or even material for helping men who had experienced sexual abuse or assault.


Edited by JustScott (09/27/12 02:25 PM)

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#411557 - 09/27/12 03:16 PM Re: How God sees me??? [Re: JustScott]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Hi Scott,

That sucks to hear. Living in smaller areas does impact access to resources like that, and it is usually up to the sufferer to build the network of support they need to have in the first place.

If there isn't an Alanon meeting in your area, maybe you could start one? Find the local Alanon / AA office for your area, and they can provide support to build such a network. Lots of resources online to assist you as well. People do it all the time.

Best of luck,

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#411561 - 09/27/12 03:49 PM Re: How God sees me??? [Re: JustScott]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
I've been working on getting something started for years. Maybe someday it'll actually come to pass.

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#411577 - 09/27/12 07:40 PM Re: How God sees me??? [Re: JustScott]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3373
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Scott -

with one exception (step-father physically and sexually as well as verbally and emotionally abused me) i could have written your post that began this thread. and i think that rejection and neglect can be every bit as devastating to a boy as overt abuse. i find it impossible to separate them in my thoughts and feelings. so i do indentify with you very closely.

i can't say that i have the answer. it is starting to get better for me. i've already shared some of the bigger steps. i don't think that those experiences and what i've gained from them are necessarily transferrable. but if they can give you some encouragement that there is hope - i am glad for that. i don't know what made the difference... this T, this pastor, my mental/emotional state right now, the alighnment of the planets (LOL) - other experiences? it is all a mystery to me.

Dude - i'm over 60 now and i've been nursing this "raw wound" as you so aptly put it - for 55 years, looking for a cure. i don't know if it will ever be totally healed. (you probly remember what a mess i was when i first came here - and you helped me along.) but i am seeing some new growth recently in areas of my life that i had pretty much given up on. and i'll take what i can get. hoping and praying for some relief for you, too, Scott.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#411632 - 09/28/12 02:25 AM Re: How God sees me??? [Re: JustScott]
ALIVE 3n1 Offline


Registered: 12/24/11
Posts: 76
Loc: Throne Room of God
Scott,

Who is God to you? How did you come to your conception of God? Are you fully integrating the attributes of God in your conception of who he is?

These are not just the patronizing answers of omnipotent, omniscience and omnipresent. These three words are a good conceptual starting point, but they are not the full revealed apprehended definition.

This might change the receiving and accepting part of who you are to him.

Another thing to contemplate is this idea. Did you choose God, or did God choose you?

When you use scriptural proofs to answer these questions your prayers might have already been answered.

Personally, it is truly amazing the answered prayers continually surrounding us. It is whether we are looking for them.

Soli Deo Gloria

Alive

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#411652 - 09/28/12 08:09 AM Re: How God sees me??? [Re: JustScott]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
:-)

Your questions are the same ones in essence that I've already begun to work on and in answer to prayers God has already begun to show me.

I know in my struggle to accept/receive that it boils down to trust. Do I truly trust God in who He is and declares Himself to be?

Interesting enough, last night after having devotions with our kids, my wife told me to read hers for the day (we use the YouVersion Bible App). So I opened hers and read it... and it was definitely just for me, BUT it wasn't the one she had read that day, it had advanced to the next day already. The verse that went along with it was:
Isaiah 43:25
"I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, And I will not remember your sins." (Emphasis mine of course). That was the part that stuck out to me. It's not for me or my sake.... It's for His. I struggle with that at the same time that it really hits me and changes my perspective. For His sake???? What the Heck does He get out of forgiving someone like me? Does it even really matter if there is an answer for that question? I don't know.

Here's the rest of the devotional that I read that my wife sent me to but wasn't what she had read at all:
Quote:
You have a relationship with yourself.

Did it ever occur to you that you have a relationship with yourself? You may have never given it much thought, but you spend more time with yourself than anyone else, and it's vital that you get along well with you because you are the one person you never get away from.

We should love ourselves, not in a selfish, self-centered way that produces a lifestyle of self-indulgence, but in a balanced, godly way that affirms God's creation as essentially good and right. We may be flawed by unfortunate experiences we've gone through, but that doesn't mean we're worthless and good-for-nothing.

We must have the kind of love for ourselves that says, "I know God loves me, so I can love what God chooses to love. I don't love everything I do, but I accept myself because God accepts me." We must develop the kind of mature love that says, "I believe God is changing me daily, but during this process, I will not reject what God accepts. I'll accept myself as I am right now, knowing that I will not always remain this way."


So yes, I'm lonely right now. I never learned to connect with others, and struggle to trust others enough that I could even connect. I long to have others I can be close to, I long for a father figure to help me heal. None of that changes who God is.


To answer the question about the attributes of God, that's interesting too, because it's also an area that I've been working on lately, also as a result of the devotions with the kids. Those devotions have touched on the "reasons" for the 10 commandments, but from the perspective of what each commandment tells us about God. It's very interesting. I think my comment at the beginning though touches on that. It's more about trust... I "Know" it, but how much do I really believe it?

Which is 1 part brokenness in terms of trust and the other part actually boils down to pride. I've touched on this before, but in my woundedness and brokeness, there's that part of me deep inside that "in pride" somehow believes that I'm different than other people, I'm somehow horrible and worthless enough that I'm beyond that Grace and Love of God.... might not seem like it's pride, but when you really look at it, that's exactly what it is, and it's born out of the sinful nature. It's not a conscious then though, it's just there under the surface, born out of lessons taught through abuse and neglect.

I just want to add that it's really good to see so many active in this forum lately. It's was quiet and lonely in here for quite some time :-)

Solus Christus


Edited by JustScott (09/28/12 08:10 AM)

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#411727 - 09/29/12 12:48 AM Re: How God sees me??? [Re: JustScott]
ALIVE 3n1 Offline


Registered: 12/24/11
Posts: 76
Loc: Throne Room of God
Scott,

The brokenness and unworthiness is exactly what is required of the Christian. This is ultimately the death of the flesh. We in our carnal nature cannot of our own volition willingly put to death our selfish desires/nature. Isaiah is the perfect example of confronting the holiness of God. We completely become undone when we realize that it is for God's own pleasure that he delivers us from our sin.

I would like to think that I know exactly what is needed for my conformity into the likeness of Christ, but alas this is my error. I do not have the ability, desire, or strength; let alone the knowledge of what the end creation would look like. I think I know what I need/desire for completion into what I perceive to be a completed vessel of glory...But is this true? On what basis can I know what is ultimately good for me? I look around at the rest of fallen humanity and see bits and pieces of what I think are good things that I missed out on, but did I really miss out?

What did I miss out on? Am I coveting what God has given to someone else? Am I not thankful for my wife, kids, friends family? In my frailty I shake my fist at God and say "[/b]I didn't deserve this!!!"[b]

What you think you want is not necessarily what you need.

Soli Deo Gloria

Alive

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