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#411185 - 09/23/12 11:02 PM Hello, New and Unsure Here
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
Hello, I have been looking at this site for about a week now. I have been holding onto my secret for my whole life. I am 24 so my life has not been that long, but when dealing with this....15 years feels like 150 years. I finally told my wife about my abuse about 3 days ago. From the time when I was about 8 to 13 or so is when it happened. It was an older "friend" that did it. I am still a little foggy on exact ages and some details are hard to remember. Is that common? I remember the actual physical aspect like it was yesterday, but the details are a little foggy. Also, this just recently started to really bother me. I have lived with it for 15 years and thought nothing of it, but now it is a constant...i dont know...pain maybe? It was a same sex thing, and I have had a hard time with that. I thought I was gay for a long time. I still dont know if I am or not. Then, some of the things that happened are getting to me. Especially when I told my wife. No man wants to admit that he had to do things that like to another man. Then I had to tell her that I did nothing to stop it. I didnt tell. I didnt tell him to stop. I just shut up and took it. I remember the pain and while it was happening just wanting to be somewhere else. I also remember the feeling of the stuff that was not painful. Does that mean I liked it because my body responded? I do not know which is worse...remembering the pain or the pleasure. It all makes me sick to my stomach. I never planned on telling anyone. Now my wife knows and I do not want to even be near her. I feel ashamed and scared and stupid and weak and everything that is not man. There are so many emotions running through my body that I do not know how to deal with it. Well there is my story...my continueing sturggle!

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#411187 - 09/23/12 11:12 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
It is emotionally draining when you go they this part of recovery. I can remember so many feelings and so many emotions an thoughts surfacing all at the same time. I hope you find this place as helpful as I have. I wish you the best but to answer your question , no it is not uncommon. You are amount friend here and your not alone in your feelings.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#411191 - 09/23/12 11:46 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
Thank you, it is so hard for me right now. I hope it gets easier as the time passes, but for now....I cannot stop thinking about it at all. Another thing that has bothered me is when doing research on this, I found that a lot of people have this false idea that if you are sexually abused that you will in turn be an abuser. I could not imagine doing this to someone else. The first question my wife asked me after I told her was...Did you ever abuse anyone else? That has made me not want to tell anyone else about it. About 8 years ago, my cousin had child protective services almost take away her daughter. My mom ask me if I did anything to her, and that hurt bad. She believed me when I said no, but just the fact that she asked killed me. She did not know, and still does not, about what I went through. Now I fear that if I tell her, she will think that I did do something to her. The thought makes me sick and I spent so long thinking that everyone thought that I did something to my own cousin. I dont know, I just feel like I did back when it was happening. That if I tell, I will be in trouble. If I tell, I will get it worse then what I already had it.

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#411204 - 09/24/12 01:23 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1344
Hi TJP,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

The fact your body responded does NOT mean you "enjoyed" what was being done to you. The body is designed to respond to stimulation, whether or not that stimulation is desired. The body does not make a judgement about whether or not the stimulation is wanted, that determination is made by our brains. The fact your body responded means that your body was functioning as it was designed to do.

Whether or not you told that friend to stop is also not an indicator that you wanted him to do the things he did. You may have been paralyzed with fear or shock that he was doing those things to you. Not having said "no" is neither a sign of weakness nor shame.

And, yes, it is possible for one to derive physical pleasure even though they do not want the abuse. It is not uncommon for rape victims, male or female, to orgasm. But this does not mean that one wanted to be raped.

As for being foggy on the details, that is very common. During times of stress people can sometimes dissociate. The dissociation can be mild and things seem "dream like" or you can "go away" completely and have absolutely no conscious memory of the events.

I want you to look at something you said to your wife:

Quote:

No man wants to admit that he had to do things that like to another man. Then I had to tell her that I did nothing to stop it. I didnt tell. I didnt tell him to stop. I just shut up and took it.


The fact that he was older than you also meant he was bigger and stronger than you were. He purposefully chose someone he could overpower, physically and emotionally, to meet his needs. He didn't give any consideration to your needs or what his actions were doing to you, physically or emotionally.

You are putting the responsibility for what happened to you on yourself, instead of on the person who sexually abused you.

The responsibility and the shame belong to one person, and to one person only - that "friend."

You may have never planned to tell your wife or anyone about this, but as bad as it feels right now, it is healthier that you are talking about it. That constant pain you are experiencing is your mind's way of telling you that it is time to start dealing with this. Talking about this is not easy, but it will help you heal.

If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

There are several books you might find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in January.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#411205 - 09/24/12 01:23 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1344
.
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#411209 - 09/24/12 02:17 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
I have been looking for book. Thank you for the insight. I am glad I found this site because I have nobody to talk to that has been through this, therefore, they do not even know what to say. My wife still has not said anything in person. She has text me about it, but she feels awkward actually speaking to me about it. You have definitely opened my eyes to different factors. Now I think it is on me to make myself believe it. Everything you said makes 100% sense, and I can read it and say "yes that is true" the hard part is believing that I am not gross, or I am not different in any way. Again, thank you for your post, and I hope that I can open up more as to what happened, but this is still so new to me. I have not even told my wife that it has happened more then with just this one person. He had a friend that he would bring in to join in the "fun" as he put it. Then it happened like 2 other time with different people. It wasnt as bad with them because I was almost used to it. I began to expect to have sex with every friend that I had. It was almost normal for me. So, I am just taking my baby steps from the starting line on this long long journey. I am glad and thankful for the help here. This community seems to be ver helpful, understanding, and willing to help.

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#411214 - 09/24/12 03:12 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1344
Hi TJP,

Your wife may not know what to say. I am certain she is in shock. It is not everyday that someone finds out the one they love has been abused. Telling others about the sexual abuse is similar to telling people you have a serious illness - they are uncomfortable and do not know what to say.

Your wife may need a therapist of her own to help her through this healing journey. Should you decide to tell her about this site, there is a Friends and Family forum where she will receive a lot of information and support. There is also an area for Friends and Family in chat.

Expecting friendships to turn sexual is one of the effects of being abused by those whom you called "friend." The boundaries were blurred and friendship (or what was presumed to be friendship) and acceptance became linked with unwanted sexual activity.

I am so very sorry to hear that your wife asked you if you abused anyone just because you were abused. That myth has caused male survivors more harm than anything else.

Just becuase a male was sexually abused does NOT mean he will become an abuser!!!!

You can read information both about how that myth started AND the research which debunks the original research resopnsible for that myth, here. Unfortunately, too many in society believe that myth. Law enforcement, attorneys and judges also believe that nonsense, even though there is NO basis in fact for it. Sadly, the fact a male has been sexually abused has been used as "proof" that he will be a danger to children, and he may lose all contact with his kids for no other reason than someone again asserted that myth as "fact" and it was believed.

One of the biggest societal challenges we face is debunking the myths regarding males who have been sexually abused.

You are not "gross." You are someone who was harmed in a way you never should have been harmed, by someone who said he was your "friend." Not only did he take advantage of you, he encouraged others to do the same. What is gross is what he and the others did, and the fact they abused their power and the trust you had in them.

Baby steps is the way to start this journey. And though it may feel lonely and isolating at times, you are no longer alone.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#411215 - 09/24/12 03:31 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
Thank you for your support. I think that is exactly what I needed to hear right at this moment. I am currently at work and I am on the verge of a break down. Your kind words have made me able to avoid this break down for one more day. I appreciate the help and I will be buying those books soon. Do you know if I can get them at a book store or do I have to order onlline?

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#411244 - 09/24/12 11:55 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1344
Hi TJP,

Those books are available at the larger bookstores and bookstore chains. They are also available online and may be less expensive if purchased that way.

Another option would be your library, though experience tells me there are usually only a few copies and they are not only "out" but usually late to be returned.

If you have a Kindle, or if you download the Kindle Reader, you can purchase the digital format and download the book immediately.

When you are feeling like you are on the verge of a break down, or that the anxiety/ rage/ etc. are such that you feel you are about to lose it, wander into chat. Though it isn't always populated the moment you get there, guys are wandering into the lounge all day. Someone will be along so you can talk and get real-time support. If, or when, you have privacy, there are hotlines you can call for support.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#411262 - 09/24/12 01:50 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Dear TJP,

It takes tremendous courage just to take the steps you've taken. And the fact that you are doing so at 25 is amazing to me. I kept my secret for 42 years and it destroyed my life. You have the opportunity to make a life as a whole healthy person. Run with it.

When I first started dealing with it the most helpful thing I heard was "It wasn't your fault". I had to hear it about 500 times before I really believed it. Believe it my friend. You're in good company.

Gary
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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