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#411051 - 09/22/12 11:00 AM Re: survivors wanting to be alone [Re: HD001]
love Offline


Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37
Originally Posted By: HD001
It's hard to draw the line between being supportive and letting stuff slide and being a doormat.


Yes, exactly how I have felt for so long. Being so torn in all the directions as it's such a complex situation. I'm am curios to how your husband tests you. Is this a pushing away type of testing?

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#411128 - 09/23/12 04:14 AM Re: survivors wanting to be alone [Re: love]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 236
Loc: us
yes it is. he seems to do thing to convince me he is unlovable and when I forgive him and tell him I still love him he does something worse. He resents me for trying to get him to talk about his feelings, for wanting him to get help, for telling his parents. I am the devil the woman the pushes him toward his pain, and I am the person that it is easiest to hurt because he knows I will forgive him.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#411206 - 09/24/12 01:25 AM Re: survivors wanting to be alone [Re: love]
Yerac Offline


Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 45
Loc: Southern CA
.

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#411255 - 09/24/12 01:19 PM Re: survivors wanting to be alone [Re: love]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 236
Loc: us
Yerac. I loved your response thank you for putting it into words so simply. I think that is what my H is feeling. That is what I. Remember feeling as well I remember being afraid to meet the person I was on the inside the girl who wasn't defined by fear and anger. My H pulls away when he thinks I'm trying to see the real him. This thread is a great reminder of why it is so important to try to not take anothers actions personally. It is hard when you feel like the one you love the most doesn't want to connect with you but as yerac pointed out it is because to do that it means that the survivor must connect with himself and trust that you won't reject him and that can be so scary.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#411270 - 09/24/12 02:25 PM Re: survivors wanting to be alone [Re: love]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Wow, that is so helpful for me too. Thanks yerac and HD

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#412374 - 10/06/12 11:13 PM Re: survivors wanting to be alone [Re: love]
love Offline


Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37
Thank you everyone for your helpful responses. I've been away from here for awhile trying to focus on myself, yet the pain never leaves.

We're not involved right now and it is technically over, but I am left feeling emotionally beaten up and bruised up inside from so much confusion and pain. I am trying to really hear what everyone posted, but I find myself asking how do you differentiate between sexual abuse symptom and what the person actually wants as an individual?

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#412507 - 10/08/12 05:51 PM Re: survivors wanting to be alone [Re: love]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
I think D. summed it up well, not long after we met,barely friends at that point, we were discussing relationships and he said "It never feels quite right when you can't give all of yourself."

So true and, so hard for us (yes I too am a survivor) to do. We know too well how others react, we expect it and, we don't want it. Pity, telling us to just get over it, we're crazy, it wasn't that bad, didn't happen, etc...

Even when we do find someone we are semi okay with, it takes a lot to build the trust and the attachment (which by the way is never quite "normal" for us. Even if we manage that, knowing there are times when we need to take and cannot give in a relationship is hard.

We want to give, always but, sometimes that's just not possible. Then we get this internal guilt trip going on, start accepting things in the relationship that we shouldn't (infidelity, little white lies, etc...)Then said relationship goes to hades, and it's our fault because we couldn't give when we should have.

Yes we know logically that isn't the case, but it sure doesn't change how we feel. Let that happen a couple of times and we are running for the hills long before there is any chance of a serious relationship. So, you manage to get us to hold still for a bit, and we fall in love with you, well I think you see the obstacles in out heads that make it really hard for us to ride out the storms and think we are doing okay by you.

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