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#411221 - 09/24/12 06:56 AM IS IT COMMON FOR MEN TO ACT OUT AT MIDLIFE?
tina Offline

Registered: 08/14/12
Posts: 12
After reading alot about sea and acting out it seems alot of men do this on a longterm basis meaning in there 20"s on up. Is it common for men(especially married men with a regular sex life) to only act out later in life (midlife 40's-50'S)? My husband told me he never had thoughts of men until is 40"s.

#411277 - 09/24/12 04:27 PM Re: IS IT COMMON FOR MEN TO ACT OUT AT MIDLIFE? [Re: tina]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 809
Loc: NJ
Tina, I am super sorry that you are going through what you are going through. Sounds to me like he doesn't really have all the answers and that probably creates a great state of anxiety for you. Hang in there - focus on you - and support him if he's willing to try to sort through some of this stuff with the help of someone who knows how it goes.

From all of my reading and obsessing post disclosure, it seems that this is actually really the age where most men finally come face to face with these issues for real. I have read that this is the age for example that men are triggered by their sons or daughters turning the same age that they themselves were victimized. Things like that. In fact, I think that men in the 20s and early 30s who are dealing with the effects of CSA are more likely not the norm.

Just my opinion.

#411349 - 09/25/12 07:45 AM Re: IS IT COMMON FOR MEN TO ACT OUT AT MIDLIFE? [Re: tina]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Well Tina this is why they call it a mid-life crisis, LOL

Yep this is what we do sometimes, reason being that we have been told that if we forget about what happened to us, it will go away, fact is that it does not, it festers in our brains for years and years until it cant do anywhere but out, and this usually happens in our 40's.
Main thing is not to panic now, this does not always meant that he wants to run of with a bunch of guys and change his life.
Thinking of and actually doing are different things.

Try and get him into therapy for the CSA and see if he is keen to try it.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
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#411357 - 09/25/12 10:47 AM Re: IS IT COMMON FOR MEN TO ACT OUT AT MIDLIFE? [Re: tina]
northernflicker Offline

Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
My husband sure did a runner in his mid-forties, though not with a bunch of men. He was consistent with what whome says - his mantra was its in the past, it doesn't matter. I knew nothing of his past AT ALL, including his CSA until a month or so ago. He is still with the coworker he cheated on me with. I cannot sacrifice my life and happiness to his journey, especially since I'm not physically part of it right now. It felt like I was abandoning him by doing this for a time, but I realized that by not moving on I was abandoning myself.

As hard as it will be for you, your husband needs space and support (possibly from afar) to deal with what he's processing right now. It won't be fast or easy to resolve. You need to practice extreme self care. Get therapy for yourself, with an expert in male CSA, and work to become the best and happiest and most fulfilled you can be.

#411459 - 09/26/12 12:47 PM Re: IS IT COMMON FOR MEN TO ACT OUT AT MIDLIFE? [Re: tina]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 414
You're doing the right thing, northern. And you will be happier because of it, I'm sure of that. But don't forget that all change is hard. Even good change. Sometimes especially good change.


#411460 - 09/26/12 12:52 PM Re: IS IT COMMON FOR MEN TO ACT OUT AT MIDLIFE? [Re: tina]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 414
But... as for the subject of this thread... I meant to say that "mid-life crisis" or whatever it is... may just be kind of a coincidence. You know, we survivors of sexual assault try to deal with it ourselves for awhile, typically. We live with buried shame and guilt. We learn to disguise our true feelings. And as a result, we often don't know shit about our true feelings. Why do I feel this malaise? I don't know. Why did I cheat on my spouse? I don't know. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know.

And we hide all this bullshit until it comes bursting out, which it does eventually, often when our kids are the same age as we were when we were abused. Or often because the shit simply hits the fan! It does that sometimes, you know.

And so here we are.... Trying as men to pick up the pieces left over from broken children.

Good luck. You should know that you're not alone. So should your husband. He's sadly normal, in a way. I hope you can find some peace. Definitely try to focus on and find the simple pleasures in life, and enjoy the hell out of them when you can. Because if CSA is involved, shit can get pretty damn serious and pretty damn heartbreaking and sad and horrible and sobering and painful pretty damn fast.

But on a brighter note.... This will get better. Things do that. And on the other end of it all, your husband might just turn out to be a guy who knows himself, is much more comfortable in his own skin.

Take care,

#411504 - 09/27/12 02:27 AM Re: IS IT COMMON FOR MEN TO ACT OUT AT MIDLIFE? [Re: tina]
aksnowyowl Offline

Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
Hello Tina,
My H had massive breakdown for three years in his early forties. Got messed up with drugs, gangs, and prostitutes (and this from a hardworking catholic family man with a successful business). From his perspective it was all about releasing tension that had been building for years.

I've done my best to help create a relationship with little tension, but I don't know how successful we've been. Seems it's still there just comes from different places.

I heartily recommend a book called Navigating the Middle Passage by James Hollis. It's about mid-life crises and includes insights on men and women. The writer is a very respected and well known jungian psychologist. Very short too:) I found that it had information pertinent to all people, regardless of their history with sex abuse. sex abuse becomes another layer of stressors. I got from a guy in his forties who said it may help me understand my H, sure enough! I have since loaned it to my dad, my mom, and my ex:)

#411864 - 09/30/12 09:47 PM Re: IS IT COMMON FOR MEN TO ACT OUT AT MIDLIFE? [Re: tina]
rebecca24 Offline

Registered: 07/15/09
Posts: 34
Loc: AZ
Tina: Yes it is very common for men to act out, the mid life criseis begins about 45 to 50 and peaks during this time. They will act out because they do not feel respected or they dont have an activity that holds their interest such as a hobby. Men hopefully will change how they relate to the opposite sex and slow this process. Hope this helps


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